another terrible day

[ineverlived]

a young neighbor of mine died in an accident today. The hearse came in front of our house, I could hear the family of the deceased crying. they were devastated in the middle of the street. I literally watched a rehearsal of my own death while watching what was going on through the window with my mother. my mother cried and hugged me, she said 'God should not let anyone experience this'..... she is unaware of everything... I don't know how to do this to my family, but it is impossible for me to live. I have been living with psychological problems since I was 12 I've always sabotaged myself without realizing it. I haven't had the strength to lift my arm for years because of depression. I've been lying to my parents that I went to college for 3 years and I don't even know why I did it. I'm 22 years old and I'm at the bottom.. there is no life for me to live. I am in excruciating pain. sry i wanted to write to the forum because I couldn't tell anyone...

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm sorry your neighbor died. I can imagine watching the aftermath just solidified any guilt you were already feeling. It seems you have a lot of damage to forbid 22 is still very young. Do you think it would be worth it to come clean to your parents about school? Do they know and are they supportive of your mental health?

 

[flightless bird]

she is unaware of everything

Never underestimate people and never hurt those who love you dearly. I think you should tell them about your problems and at least see how they react.

 

[nopointinlife]

How did you make your parents think you were going to college? They never asked about grades, friends, majors, etc?
While coming clean may feel like the end of the world, you owe it to your parents to be upfront about it. I too hid a major life secret from my parents thinking if they found out about it that my life would be over. I lied to their faces for several years about it. One day, They found out by pure stupid chance, their jaws dropped to the floor and they wouldn't talk to me for weeks. After a while, they grew to accept it, and eventually embraced it. Although they seemed to be OK later about it, they did completely disinherit me…and I never knew about it until they died.

 

[ineverlived]

I'm sorry your neighbor died. I can imagine watching the aftermath just solidified any guilt you were already feeling. It seems you have a lot of damage to forbid 22 is still very young. Do you think it would be worth it to come clean to your parents about school? Do they know and are they supportive of your mental health?

I'm an introvert, I've never been able to talk openly about my problems to my family. but they know something is wrong. I've been physically down for years, getting weaker. They say they're worried, but they don't know how serious the situation is. I cannot ask for help from them. i feel so guilty for lying to them.. I'm not a kid anymore, and I feel like it's too late for help. I must be punished for my mistakes

How did you make your parents think you were going to college? They never asked about grades, friends, majors, etc?
While coming clean may feel like the end of the world, you owe it to your parents to be upfront about it. I too hid a major life secret from my parents thinking if they found out about it that my life would be over. I lied to their faces for several years about it. One day, They found out by pure stupid chance, their jaws dropped to the floor and they wouldn't talk to me for weeks. After a while, they grew to accept it, and eventually embraced it. Although they seemed to be OK later about it, they did completely disinherit me…and I never knew about it until they d

ofc they are asking and im lying them every single day. they think im leaving the house to go to school, but im wandering the streets alone you know...

I am enrolled in a school by the way. But I can't go, it's like a force is blocking me.

 

[JamesUK]

College is massively overrated nowadays. A desire to learn new skills and better yourself is a great thing and an important part of life, but often these formal and corrupted institutions are not the best place for this.

Exercise is pretty great if you're well enough. I hope you're at least wandering somewhere pleasant.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm an introvert, I've never been able to talk openly about my problems to my family. but they know something is wrong. I've been physically down for years, getting weaker. They say they're worried, but they don't know how serious the situation is. I cannot ask for help from them. i feel so guilty for lying to them.. I'm not a kid anymore, and I feel like it's too late for help. I must be punished for my mistakes

ofc they are asking and im lying them every single day. they think im leaving the house to go to school, but im wandering the streets alone you know...

I am enrolled in a school by the way. But I can't go, it's like a force is blocking me.

It's not too late to ask for help. Many people would kill to return to your age. They may be angry that you lied, but surely they'd prefer that to your dying. You clearly weren't in an emotional position to do school but got caught up in societal and familial expectations. That's under standable.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Punishment for a mistake is a pointless and cruel concept. You are not going to make it better for anyone by hurting yourself for what you've done, that is absolutely unnecessary. It is not too late to ask for help as long as you are physically able to do it and have people you can turn to.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds so awful and tiring what you have to endure and it must be so hard to deal with what you are going through. There really is too much unnecessary pain in this world. I doubt that such a thing as rock bottom even exists, if we think that things are terrible now then they can always get so much worse. It's why the existence of life is so tragic, but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[ineverlived]

It sounds so awful and tiring what you have to endure and it must be so hard to deal with what you are going through. There really is too much unnecessary pain in this world. I doubt that such a thing as rock bottom even exists, if we think that things are terrible now then they can always get so much worse. It's why the existence of life is so tragic, but anyway I wish you the best.

thanks

 

[cowie]

Are you interested at all in seeking treatment if the college lies weren't an issue?

 

[ineverlived]

Are you interested at all in seeking treatment if the college lies weren't an issue?

I guess yes. Without that proble my life is still terrible meaningless and painful, but if I could live a normal life since someday im gonna die anyway so i would tolerate the pain and not think of suicide