Another poem by alice

[anotherlastchance]

Not a single soul knows exactly how much it hurts
The days that are slowly going by.
And you wish so deeply to say goodbye.
When everything feels unreal.
And you don't know how to feel.
When you can't express yourself the way you actually want to.
Because everyone is busy and got so much to do.
When you pray, you will never wake up again…
And yet there is another day.
Why is it so hard for me to stay?

I wanne scream, I'm in pain, please help me!
But I don't even know where I need to be.
I stay silent, with too many thoughts and voices in my head.
'Just stay quiet' that's what they said.
And I have to listen or things will get harder.
They scream and yell and I fall farther.

When is it my time? I'm tired and over it.
I think I never get it…
Why am I like this? Why do I exist?
Not a single soul knows exactly how much it hurts.
But I can't keep it together.
I can't say. And I'm so sorry that I have to say that I will be gone one day.
Maybe too soon in your eyes, but it's time for my goodbyes.

 

[KafkaF]

I think it's beautiful. Sad but beautifully written.

*huge, massive, giant hug*

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Not a single soul knows exactly how much it hurts
The days that are slowly going by.
And you wish so deeply to say goodbye.

Why am I like this? Why do I exist?
Not a single soul knows exactly how much it hurts.

It's very isolating and unfair I think, because she used "Not a single soul knows exactly how much it hurts" twice. I've heard some people with schizophrenia hear voices that command them to kill themselves.

If I heard the voice "kill yourself now" 24/7, I'd go insane. It's like a brainwashing I guess. It's very understandable that she's suicidal.

I wanne scream, I'm in pain, please help me!
But I don't even know where I need to be.
I stay silent, with too many thoughts and voices in my head.
'Just stay quiet' that's what they said.

This is living hell I guess - what it's like to have terrifying psychosis is inconceivable to me.
I saw visual hallucinations when I swallowed 100 allergy pills in 2014 (dose for adults is 6 pills a day. This wasn't a CTB attempt - I did it just to distract myself.) I saw several people who didn't exist, but It wasn't scary, because they didn't say anything - they were just using their phones.

And I have to listen or things will get harder.
They scream and yell and I fall farther.

I imagine "thought police" monitor me 24/7 and they warn me and even punish me whenever I don't observe their rules. Usually we think we can think about anything as long as it's all in our head, but what if a tyrant is also in your brain? This is a very unusual torture I guess.

When you can't express yourself the way you actually want to.
Because everyone is busy and got so much to do.

Does she have little chance to open up?

I wish her peace, preferably during her lifetime, but unfortunately it seems that she tried most of possible treatment and still have a lot of symptoms.
Thank you for sharing her poems.