Venting another day off

[starlover]

Another day off and I have nothing to do, no one to talk to, no desires and no will. Just me and the pet today.

I've opened up YouTube, scrolled for a few minutes, closed it. Consider playing a video game, but do nothing. Open up Word to write, page stays blank. Nothing is fun, nothing brings joy. Considering going to get some weed, but barely want to do that. I get high and depressed, instead of just depressed. I'm really not sure which is better.

My husband, my family, friends, all with things to do and lives to lead. Me, I'm just here with the pet. Sitting quietly and staring at the door, until it's time to go outside.

My life is confined to four walls, a pet, a cashier job, and a TV where the only channels are "the amazing lives of your family and faraway friends." Watching the numbers on the clock change, until it's time to go back to work. And at work, watching the numbers on the clock change, until it's time to go home. With neither place being much more enjoyable than the other.

Every attempt I've made to build my own life, has failed. Every attempt at making a friend denied. Every career opportunity taken away, destroyed, or self-sabotaged. My entire life over the past 10 years has been me slowly but surely getting pushed into a solitary prison, despite my resistance. And now I'm here. Whoever or whatever wanted me in here, got their wish.

I can't wait to die.

 

[FuneralCry]

Existing certainly can be so futile and tedious, to me there is certainly no real relief from suffering in this world and it's very much understandable wishing to be free from it all, it sounds awful what you've had to go through. I wish you the best.

 

[Untimely]

Another day off and I have nothing to do, no one to talk to, no desires and no will. Just me and the pet today.

I've opened up YouTube, scrolled for a few minutes, closed it. Consider playing a video game, but do nothing. Open up Word to write, page stays blank. Nothing is fun, nothing brings joy. Considering going to get some weed, but barely want to do that. I get high and depressed, instead of just depressed. I'm really not sure which is better.

My husband, my family, friends, all with things to do and lives to lead. Me, I'm just here with the pet. Sitting quietly and staring at the door, until it's time to go outside.

My life is confined to four walls, a pet, a cashier job, and a TV where the only channels are "the amazing lives of your family and faraway friends." Watching the numbers on the clock change, until it's time to go back to work. And at work, watching the numbers on the clock change, until it's time to go home. With neither place being much more enjoyable than the other.

Every attempt I've made to build my own life, has failed. Every attempt at making a friend denied. Every career opportunity taken away, destroyed, or self-sabotaged. My entire life over the past 10 years has been me slowly but surely getting pushed into a solitary prison, despite my resistance. And now I'm here. Whoever or whatever wanted me in here, got their wish.

I can't wait to die.

you pretty much summed up how i feel exactly too