anorexia is a slow suicide.

[eeeeeedeeeeeden]

I've been in recovery for three years now and it is utterly exhausting. It feels like dancing along a razorblade, ready to slip and split in half. It's a fatal disorder, a war to feel control that slowly rots you from the inside, knowing you are doing it to yourself and you can't stop chasing the high- despite organ failure the end awaiting you. It's a false sense of control, but so much more comforting than bitterly choking on the hope you'll get better, because it's a life-long recovery. It doesn't just go away. It'll haunt you for the rest of your life, clinging and sticking wherever it can. Even the shit you think is just a quirk of yours- it's another symptom of anorexia. Wanting to be sick enough to die just to ignore the pain you feel in every other aspect of life or maybe to feel some form of accomplishment, maybe to finally see yourself how youve always desperately wished to be. Whatever your reasoning is, it truly is a slow suicide unless you recover and even recovery feels like swandiving straight into an active volcano.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I relate to all of this. ana is a beast and I wish the world was better. people often don't realize how high up it is in fatality. but that all takes years, as we know the body can withstand a lot. right there with you. feel free to reach out.

 

[claracatchingthebus]

I've been in recovery for three years now and it is utterly exhausting. It feels like dancing along a razorblade, ready to slip and split in half. It's a fatal disorder, a war to feel control that slowly rots you from the inside, knowing you are doing it to yourself and you can't stop chasing the high- despite organ failure the end awaiting you. It's a false sense of control, but so much more comforting than bitterly choking on the hope you'll get better, because it's a life-long recovery. It doesn't just go away. It'll haunt you for the rest of your life, clinging and sticking wherever it can. Even the shit you think is just a quirk of yours- it's another symptom of anorexia. Wanting to be sick enough to die just to ignore the pain you feel in every other aspect of life or maybe to feel some form of accomplishment, maybe to finally see yourself how youve always desperately wished to be. Whatever your reasoning is, it truly is a slow suicide unless you recover and even recovery feels like swandiving straight into an active volcano.

i hate anorexia

it stole someone i cared about from me.

i feel so guilty about it. she had been through it before, but like... I didn't realize quite how bad it was. She was insulting me a lot and so we weren't talking as much. Stupid me, trying to put up defenses to not get hurt.

She didn't die of anorexia officially. But I know that's why. And when she started doing it again, worse of all, I was sort of cavalier about it, like "well, i can't stop you, it's your choice..." that sort of thing. I was just so tired, I used to beg her to eat when she was at her worst, I should have done it again. I was exhausted. And I didn't know how severe she was doing it.

I'm sad all the time now. In a fucked up way, I don't want to experience anything happy without her.

I'll tell you what I should have told her: please keep eating.

 

[finalgoodbye:(]

i hate anorexia

it stole someone i cared about from me.

i feel so guilty about it. she had been through it before, but like... I didn't realize quite how bad it was. She was insulting me a lot and so we weren't talking as much. Stupid me, trying to put up defenses to not get hurt.

She didn't die of anorexia officially. But I know that's why. And when she started doing it again, worse of all, I was sort of cavalier about it, like "well, i can't stop you, it's your choice..." that sort of thing. I was just so tired, I used to beg her to eat when she was at her worst, I should have done it again. I was exhausted. And I didn't know how severe she was doing it.

I'm sad all the time now. In a fucked up way, I don't want to experience anything happy without her.

I'll tell you what I should have told her: please keep eating.

You seem like you are putting a lot of burden on yourself about her death, it's not your fault, I'm sure she was suffering and she is in peace now

 

[eeeeeedeeeeeden]

i hate anorexia

it stole someone i cared about from me.

i feel so guilty about it. she had been through it before, but like... I didn't realize quite how bad it was. She was insulting me a lot and so we weren't talking as much. Stupid me, trying to put up defenses to not get hurt.

She didn't die of anorexia officially. But I know that's why. And when she started doing it again, worse of all, I was sort of cavalier about it, like "well, i can't stop you, it's your choice..." that sort of thing. I was just so tired, I used to beg her to eat when she was at her worst, I should have done it again. I was exhausted. And I didn't know how severe she was doing it.

I'm sad all the time now. In a fucked up way, I don't want to experience anything happy without her.

I'll tell you what I should have told her: please keep eating.

I'm genuinely sorry for the loss of someone you clearly cared for, but please understand you did what you could. When we slip back into the cycle or actively choose to- we know there's a high likelihood it is going to be the last time we do. It's a severe mental illness that shapes our thinking, habits and perceptions of others, we lose majority of control to gain another. It isn't your fault that she fell back into that headspace, telling someone to please eat can sometimes shift their thinking, but often times we are so hyperfocused in the mental disorder it doesn't help. Me personally, outside of recovery, I can't bring myself to eat no matter how much my poor partner tries to eat alongside me or gentle nudge me to consume something even whilst dealing with his own heavy pains of life. It was never, ever your fault that she lost her battle to anorexia and I sincerely applaud you for standing by her during her darkest times. Much love for you friend.

 

[claracatchingthebus]

i suppose it's good to hear that from both of you

it's hard... because she had anorexia but never went to a treatment place for it... and she officially just died of "natural causes" but like it was obviously anorexia that killed her.

her heart stopped... and she hadn't been eating enough. it's unclear for how long or how often, but i know it's anorexia, which was made worse by other things.

it just sucks. she was my favorite person. and i don't really know how to get past it. i'll probably join her from suicide, just don't know when. i don't believe in an afterlife, but miss her a lot. she was fucking a total bitch, but was awesome and wonderful... and like she was more fun and just funny than anyone. I feel like I could have stopped it if I had done things differently. I didn't realize the risk of her dying was so high. I could have paid for DBT or could have done more. She had mental health providers who all failed her. i hate that she died on me... and i don't really feel like other people will really ever even approximate her, which is a fucked up thing to say. I am just numb, no one else is as funny or cool. Fuck my life.