Venting Annoying

[Aphid]

I feel like I've been so annoying lately, I'm unsure what it is, maybe an instinctual need for attention or something, but I feel like I've just been a bother in most online spaces lately. I am exhausting and manic constantly and I'm so, I don't know, I feel I don't contribute a positive value to any conversation. Just feel like a set piece. To my partner, my family, my friends, I don't know, just lately it's been dwindling down to, me realizing that I really should CTB. I give no value, serve no purpose, cause others to hurt, I generally just, cause issues.

Just feel really annoying I guess. Realizing that hey maybe, you should shut the fuck up and empty your head of anything. Maybe you should just stop speaking, maybe you should stop coming to sasu, and actually stop speaking here forever, and die without telling anyone. That's been speaking to me the most, an alone death. It would be more dignified than what I have given. What I've done. I don't know,

I'm rambling just, fuck I just want to mean something, other than an annoyance. I want to be good enough, I want to be enough I want to change I want to be better but it's not going to happen no matter how hard I try. Awful annoying people die and are forgotten, like me

This seems so edgy I fucking hate it but it's just what's in my head right now, I'm going tobed

 

[MessyNonsense]

I remember reading somewhere something about some indiginous cultures believe people exist in the same way rocks and plants do; not to serve a purpose, just to be and exist, and that's fine and that's enough. In our western society (idk if you're from a western society) we're programmed to feel like we have to serve a purpose or we're worthless or we're not fulfilling our duty to our loved ones, society, or the world. But what if we're just here to exist as we are, to have experiences, to grow sometimes...

For what it's worth, you don't sound edgy or annoying to me at all. In fact I relate a lot to what you're saying, as I often feel like I come across as annoying too, both online and in person. (Autism and stuff makes me type a lot in online spaces and be very verbose in person)

 

[Exedra]

I don't know what you're like usually but to me you don't sound annoying at all. I relate a lot, actually. A lot of times I feel like everything just goes to shit because I opened my mouth, hell sometimes it feels like I'm even breathing wrong.

However, just because you feel annoying and even if others tell you you're annoying, I still feel like there's people here that would actually really enjoy your presence. Even when others here find you annoying, that's their problem, not yours. You're in a horrible place mentally and everyone here deserves compassion equally in my opinion (with a few exceptions of course)

This might not mean anything from some random stranger, but you're good enough. For me, for sasu, for your partner, friends, family. Just existing is meaningful enough, it's okay to not try so hard and completely burn yourself out all the time. Wanting to change is good, but try to have some grace when you have trouble with it. Your value isn't tied to what you do and don't do, you have value just cause you exist(ed). If you do decide to ctb, I'd love to at least be able to send you well wishes