Venting Anhedonia is awful

[Malaria]

Been dealing with some pretty awful anhedonia as of late. I have no desire to do the stuff I usually enjoy doing. I just browse SaSu all day tbh...

I used to draw and learn languages. But lately I haven't had much interest in that. I used to use a software called Anki to review flashcards so I could learn Japanese, but lately I haven't been in the mood and the reviews I have to do pile up as a result of that.

Every time I draw now I have an inner voice telling me that I'm an untalented hack that will never amount to anything. I try to ignore the voices as much as I can, but it's too strong for me to ignore. I just get overwhelmed and then start sobbing uncontrollably. This didn't used to happen, I used to have a lot of confidence in my ability as an artist, but for over a year now I've been having this problem, and it's devastating to me.

TV shows aren't as fun as they used to be. I did rewatch some films from my childhood and enjoyed them, but I don't have the same excitement for them that I used to. I used to want to play video games, now I can't even muster up the motivation to pick up a controller. When I'm not at work, I just lay in bed all day and getting up out of bed, even when I need to eat or go to the bathroom, feels like the hardest thing in the world.

My dreams of becoming a professional artist/storyteller, plus learning Japanese, was one of the things that kept me from suicide for many years, but now I don't have the same desire anymore. And when I don't have that same desire anymore, I end up feeling like I have no purpose or reason to keep going on. I genuinely don't feel like I have any purpose or reason to live anymore. All the color in my life is gone. Even when I'm laughing or smiling, deep down inside I just want to stop existing. Doesn't help that some of my friends haven't been all that supportive or kind to me.

 

[theboy]

I'm sorry you have to go through these horrible times. I know it's hard because something similar is happening to me. It's hard for me to do things and I just want to lie down all day and play video games once in a while.

 

[casual_existence]

I had a similar dream to yours. Unfortunately putting in the work is unbearable. After a while I need to do something else.

It seems that anything that I do leads to the same feeling.

 

[untothedepths]

In the same boat. Doing anything feels like some sort of insurmountable task.

 

[Linda]

Did this start with depression? (In other words, was it depression first then anhedonia later?) If it did, then treating the underlying depression might help. If it didn't, then there seem to be a lot of possibilities, none of them very easy to deal with, and you would probably have to seek professional advice; it's beyond my expertise.

Would it help if some of your drawings got out into the wider world, and were appreciated by people? Is there anything you can do to make that happen? It would be nice to make a bit of money out of that, but, even if you don't make anything, getting some appreciation for your talent can only be a good thing.

 

[Malaria]

Did this start with depression? (In other words, was it depression first then anhedonia later?)

Good question. I would say the anhedonia came first and then the depression for me. Because even when I was in emotional distress before I had anhedonia, escapism often helped cheer me up. But once I stopped having the ability of feeling pleasure, that triggered a very deep depression because I felt like I didn't have a way to distract myself anymore.

Would it help if some of your drawings got out into the wider world, and were appreciated by people? Is there anything you can do to make that happen? It would be nice to make a bit of money out of that, but, even if you don't make anything, getting some appreciation for your talent can only be a good thing.

I have put my art out there in the world before and have taken commissions in the past. I don't do that at the moment for reasons I'd rather not go into on a public space because it's a story that is too vulnerable for me to feel comfortable to share so openly. Maybe I'll change my mind in the future. I have done vent art privately though, and that helps a little. I also did a drawing for my boyfriend for Valentine's Day this year, and that was nice, though I still had the feelings of insecurity.

 

[Linda]

Would you like to post one or two of your drawings here?

 

[Malaria]

Would you like to post one or two of your drawings here?

I don't feel comfortable doing that, sorry.

 

[Linda]

OK, no problem.

 

[parallelluniverse]

Been dealing with some pretty awful anhedonia as of late. I have no desire to do the stuff I usually enjoy doing. I just browse SaSu all day tbh...

I used to draw and learn languages. But lately I haven't had much interest in that. I used to use a software called Anki to review flashcards so I could learn Japanese, but lately I haven't been in the mood and the reviews I have to do pile up as a result of that.

Every time I draw now I have an inner voice telling me that I'm an untalented hack that will never amount to anything. I try to ignore the voices as much as I can, but it's too strong for me to ignore. I just get overwhelmed and then start sobbing uncontrollably. This didn't used to happen, I used to have a lot of confidence in my ability as an artist, but for over a year now I've been having this problem, and it's devastating to me.

TV shows aren't as fun as they used to be. I did rewatch some films from my childhood and enjoyed them, but I don't have the same excitement for them that I used to. I used to want to play video games, now I can't even muster up the motivation to pick up a controller. When I'm not at work, I just lay in bed all day and getting up out of bed, even when I need to eat or go to the bathroom, feels like the hardest thing in the world.

My dreams of becoming a professional artist/storyteller, plus learning Japanese, was one of the things that kept me from suicide for many years, but now I don't have the same desire anymore. And when I don't have that same desire anymore, I end up feeling like I have no purpose or reason to keep going on. I genuinely don't feel like I have any purpose or reason to live anymore. All the color in my life is gone. Even when I'm laughing or smiling, deep down inside I just want to stop existing. Doesn't help that some of my friends haven't been all that supportive or kind to me.

Hey Malaria, I actually relate to this. Except with music, I play music. Every day feels the same and I don't have the same enjoyment. Where do you think it has come from?

I wonder if I have set myself the expectation to be really good at something, and because I'm not, I'm in this limbo of feeling dissatisfied until I am good enough in my own opinion. I wonder if I have brought it on... or maybe it's cuz I'm 30 and life is different 0_0

 

[grahf]

Been dealing with some pretty awful anhedonia as of late. I have no desire to do the stuff I usually enjoy doing. I just browse SaSu all day tbh...

Me too, I abandoned my hobby lately and doing nothing

 

[dragonofenvy]

My dreams of becoming a professional artist/storyteller, plus learning Japanese, was one of the things that kept me from suicide for many years, but now I don't have the same desire anymore. And when I don't have that same desire anymore, I end up feeling like I have no purpose or reason to keep going on. I genuinely don't feel like I have any purpose or reason to live anymore. All the color in my life is gone. Even when I'm laughing or smiling, deep down inside I just want to stop existing. Doesn't help that some of my friends haven't been all that supportive or kind to me.

Yeah, it really sucks. When I was younger I felt like I had dreams and the potential to do them. I actually felt like putting forth the effort to achieve them. I slowly began putting in the effort, as I didn't think it was as achievable anymore. Not sure which came first. Then it just sapped away until I didn't even want to work anymore, not that the job was any decent. Now I'm like you, feeling like there's no anchor to the world and that I should just stop. I wish there was a way to want to do anything at all but when getting out of bed is, as you say, the hardest thing in the world it's pretty damn hard.

But hey, I'd rather be doing nothing than dealing with numerous mundane tasks constantly with almost no breaks for leisure like some people do.