Venting Anhedonia / despair

[BloodStainedAntlers]

I honestly dont know which is worse. I keep oscillating between feeling nothing at all and feeling immense despair and pain. When I'm feeling nothing i wish i felt something even if it was despair, but when i feel pain and despair i wish i could feel nothing at all. It's a neverending cycle of suffering. Either I suffer from the lack of feeling or I suffer from the allconsuming despair/pain i feel. What's even the point of living a life like this. This is no life, this is barely an existence. Saying this here won't change anything either and I'm not sure why I'm even writing this. I wish I could be free of all this torment.
But here I am, another day of dragging myself through existence.

 

[enso]

Hello!

When you wrote this post, what did you feel?

When you feel despair, what you usually do? What makes you suffer from the lack of feeling? Isn't it despair too? Is there really period without any feelings and emotions that you can describe?

There is no point in life, neither in happy one, nor in unhappy, nor in any other else. It just is.

As Marcus Aurelius said almost 2 thousand years ago: "We are all creatures of a day: both the one who remembers and the one who is remembered. Everything is ephemeral - both memory and recollections. The hour is inevitable when you will forget everything; and the hour is inevitable when you will be forgotten. Always remember that soon you will be no one and nowhere." He was an emperor of a Roman Empire, it seems like his status or age that he lived in didn't change anything.

Biology itself dictates us to live, to keep living even under hardest circumstances. Many of whom don't want it, die without children or by CTB. In fact, it is a natural selection. These, who want to live, have higher chance to replicate their genes.

Anyway, we are under influence of both genetics and memetics (memes in context of Richard Dawkins "Egoistic gen" as a particle of cultural information). So, it is not even "we", who live, it is genes and memes.

As Samuel Butler said: "The chicken is the egg's way of making another egg". It is how it is

 

[ctb_warrior]

I honestly dont know which is worse. I keep oscillating between feeling nothing at all and feeling immense despair and pain. When I'm feeling nothing i wish i felt something even if it was despair, but when i feel pain and despair i wish i could feel nothing at all. It's a neverending cycle of suffering. Either I suffer from the lack of feeling or I suffer from the allconsuming despair/pain i feel. What's even the point of living a life like this. This is no life, this is barely an existence. Saying this here won't change anything either and I'm not sure why I'm even writing this. I wish I could be free of all this torment.
But here I am, another day of dragging myself through existence.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
I can feel you. These days, even I don't do the things that I used to love earlier. I used to love playing games. I don't feel like playing. I loved chocolate, i don't feel like having them.
I don't know if there's a solution to what you are facing, may be if you contact a good psychiatrist with proven success who can administer the right chemical drug for you.
I had a female friend, now she's married, she used to feel the same way as you are feeling. She consulted a psychiatrist and she was given some mood lifter, she reported that she felt better after taking those medicines.
So, may be, there's hope to get rid of this feeling without having to go from the planet.

 

[BloodStainedAntlers]

When you wrote this post, what did you feel?

nothing. or moreso i felt the lack of feeling anything much.

When you feel despair, what you usually do? What makes you suffer from the lack of feeling? Isn't it despair too? Is there really period without any feelings and emotions that you can describe?

When I feel despair I cant do much other than sit with it and write about it and dream about finally ending it. Its a loud and painful suffering, one that I can physically feel in my body. And the suffering from lack of feeling is more like a mental suffering. I cant feel anything and i cant even feel bad about it. I know what i should or could feel but i dont feel it and its like I'm a hollow shell. That is an unpleasant was of existing, which is in a way a kind kf suffering, even if i cant really feel it. Its just there. And i suppose anhedonia itself is also a feeling, just like "nothing" is also "something", so yeah maybe there is never a time where i feel nothing at all. Its probably not even biologically possible, but i dont know.

There is no point in life, neither in happy one, nor in unhappy, nor in any other else. It just is.

As Marcus Aurelius said almost 2 thousand years ago: "We are all creatures of a day: both the one who remembers and the one who is remembered. Everything is ephemeral - both memory and recollections. The hour is inevitable when you will forget everything; and the hour is inevitable when you will be forgotten. Always remember that soon you will be no one and nowhere." He was an emperor of a Roman Empire, it seems like his status or age that he lived in didn't change anything.

Biology itself dictates us to live, to keep living even under hardest circumstances. Many of whom don't want it, die without children or by CTB. In fact, it is a natural selection. These, who want to live, have higher chance to replicate their genes.

Anyway, we are under influence of both genetics and memetics (memes in context of Richard Dawkins "Egoistic gen" as a particle of cultural information). So, it is not even "we", who live, it is genes and memes.

As Samuel Butler said: "The chicken is the egg's way of making another egg". It is how it is

you're very good with words, this was a very interesting and thought provoking reply. Thank you for sharing.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
I can feel you. These days, even I don't do the things that I used to love earlier. I used to love playing games. I don't feel like playing. I loved chocolate, i don't feel like having them.
I don't know if there's a solution to what you are facing, may be if you contact a good psychiatrist with proven success who can administer the right chemical drug for you.
I had a female friend, now she's married, she used to feel the same way as you are feeling. She consulted a psychiatrist and she was given some mood lifter, she reported that she felt better after taking those medicines.
So, may be, there's hope to get rid of this feeling without having to go from the planet.

Maybe I should talk to a doctor and see if medication could help. I dont think it will change the fact that i dont particularly want to live and that I'm here against my will, but maybe it'll get me to a point where it's more bearable or even enjoyable to stick around until death eventually takes my hand.
It's quite hard to try and keep myself alive when being alive feels like such a drag.

 

[NonEssential]

I can still distract myself with video games somewhat but I'm filled with despair when my mind isn't focused on a fictional world.

 

[ctb_warrior]

Maybe I should talk to a doctor and see if medication could help. I dont think it will change the fact that i dont particularly want to live and that I'm here against my will, but maybe it'll get me to a point where it's more bearable or even enjoyable to stick around until death eventually takes my hand.
It's quite hard to try and keep myself alive when being alive feels like such a drag.

Ahh.. i can relate.. I'm being administered lithium for suicide ideation. But it has not been able to stop it because, my suicide ideation is not a mental illness but a conscious decision.
And you are right the idea is to feel better while you are here on the planet so you can enjoy life a lil better atleast.
True buddy, it's difficult to keep oneself alive.
Everyday feels like a struggle. I no longer wake up with enthusiasm. Because when i can't do what i want, when the system forces me to do something else in order to survive and pay taxes, it doesn't excites me

I can still distract myself with video games somewhat but I'm filled with despair when my mind isn't focused on a fictional world.

I used to distract myself with chinese drama 1-2 years ago. It was not a bad distraction.

 

[BloodStainedAntlers]

Because when i can't do what i want, when the system forces me to do something else in order to survive and pay taxes, it doesn't excites me

god this is so true. i have no idea how there are people that are genuinely happy and at peace in a world like this. the planet is wonderful, dont get me wrong. Its a magical and mystical little floating rock in the universe. But the systems mankind has created are unbearable, both for us and for the planet. It's quite sad, really.

 

[ctb_warrior]

god this is so true. i have no idea how there are people that are genuinely happy and at peace in a world like this. the planet is wonderful, dont get me wrong. Its a magical and mystical little floating rock in the universe. But the systems mankind has created are unbearable, both for us and for the planet. It's quite sad, really.

Exactly bro.. i totally agree.. This planet is magical and mystical and one of the most amazing places in the entire universe. There are so many breathtaking spots on Earth that will leave the viewer awestruck.
But the systems that mankind has created are unbearable and horrible.
It's created by the elites for the elites.
As you've used the word magical , let me add something, our minds are incredibly powerful and the world govts are aware of it and they have done secret researches on it too. Still they don't teach us.. Because, if we get empowered who will work for the elites in 9-5 for their growth and to pay for medical bills and die in a hospital icu.

 

[enso]

Thanks for your response!

When I feel despair I cant do much other than sit with it and write about it and dream about finally ending it. Its a loud and painful suffering, one that I can physically feel in my body. And the suffering from lack of feeling is more like a mental suffering. I cant feel anything and i cant even feel bad about it. I know what i should or could feel but i dont feel it and its like I'm a hollow shell. That is an unpleasant was of existing, which is in a way a kind kf suffering, even if i cant really feel it. Its just there. And i suppose anhedonia itself is also a feeling, just like "nothing" is also "something", so yeah maybe there is never a time where i feel nothing at all. Its probably not even biologically possible, but i dont know.

It really sounds like a suffering. It, indeed, is not "nothing", it is something painful that being suppressed by some parts of your brain to keep you sane. Other parts just don't understand it. Our limbic system doesn't have speech centers, so it can not make us understand anything by words like during our regular mind analysis, it can speak with us only through body - though tears, body spasms, numbness. These all are signals.

If it is not the secret, how do you sleep? Do you have stable sleep schedule? How about your food routine? Is something is off here and you sleep not so much time or eat just a little during a day, all these can be symptoms of depression.

you're very good with words, this was a very interesting and thought provoking reply. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you for you kind words!

Maybe I should talk to a doctor and see if medication could help. I dont think it will change the fact that i dont particularly want to live and that I'm here against my will, but maybe it'll get me to a point where it's more bearable or even enjoyable to stick around until death eventually takes my hand.
It's quite hard to try and keep myself alive when being alive feels like such a drag.

You really can just try! If it will not work out, what will change? But if it will, just imagine, how much you can get from it?
I think that we are all biorobots, if I can say so All this chemistry in our organism fully influences our feelings, thoughts. If balance of neurotransmitters change - we change.

If you look in your past, when you were a child, was there any meaning for life? What was the difference between you then and now? Did you need any explanations, great meanings to continue living? Anyway, you did.

Just imagine, some people never think of things that you think about. Some people never thought about suicide in their lives. Do people really "freely choose" to think about anything or not to think? Or is it something that makes them think about it?

Therefore, I would like to say, many things reeeeally can change with therapy. I personally know people, who started taking antidepressants, they just totally changed. One of my friends described it like that "Firstly you still see all these thoughts, but they weigh less and less with each passing day. And You are totally aware when that happens. After some time they just stop to appear in your head"

 

[BloodStainedAntlers]

If it is not the secret, how do you sleep? Do you have stable sleep schedule? How about your food routine? Is something is off here and you sleep not so much time or eat just a little during a day, all these can be symptoms of depression.

My sleep schedule is anything but stable. I have periods of intense insomnia and then other times where i sleep through almost all of my free time and at night. For the past month my insomnia has been insane (worse than it already was before) as a side effect of a medication i had to take temporarily. I coukd finally stop the medication 2 nights ago but my sleep is fucked and my mental state doesnt let me sleep much either.

Eating habits are more stable, though i also had troubles with food for the past month (also side effect of that same medication), but its been getting a bit better. Though I now have to start taking my adhd medication again for uni, and these kind of kill my appetite too but it will get better as my body gets used to the medication again. Otherwise i have some phases where i dont eat a lot when im feeling very low, but its not super super bad, i just eat less than usual and have less of an appetite.

 

[enso]

god this is so true. i have no idea how there are people that are genuinely happy and at peace in a world like this. the planet is wonderful, dont get me wrong. Its a magical and mystical little floating rock in the universe. But the systems mankind has created are unbearable, both for us and for the planet. It's quite sad, really.

I think humankind is a 100% product of this planet and nature itself. It didn't came from anywhere else. All other kinds too. All these cities, nations, technological developments or genocides, infanticides, racism, all these are parts of a nature. 99% of all once lived species are extinct. If it would not be nature, it would just not happen.

I am sorry for how it sounds like

Personally for me it gives more acceptance towards everything. All this is just extended phenotype. Beavers build dams, spiders make webs, ants build colonies and etc. People do the same (except of webs, hahaha) and more

 

[BloodStainedAntlers]

You really can just try! If it will not work out, what will change? But if it will, just imagine, how much you can get from it?
I think that we are all biorobots, if I can say so All this chemistry in our organism fully influences our feelings, thoughts. If balance of neurotransmitters change - we change.

Yeah you're right. I really have nothing to lose here, quite literally. Other than my life but like.. the medication wont make that worse haha.

If you look in your past, when you were a child, was there any meaning for life? What was the difference between you then and now? Did you need any explanations, great meanings to continue living? Anyway, you did.

I dont really remember much of my childhood, it was not the best of times, but i do remember feeling drawn to death quite early. I dokt think i thought about the meaning of life that much, i just accepted that i have no choice (i was unaware that suicide was an option at that age), and while i did regularly wish to get a terminal illness or get ran over, i though that was a normal thing to think about and i just kept living.

Therefore, I would like to say, many things reeeeally can change with therapy. I personally know people, who started taking antidepressants, they just totally changed. One of my friends described it like that "Firstly you still see all these thoughts, but they weigh less and less with each passing day. And You are totally aware when that happens. After some time they just stop to appear in your head"

that honestly sounds fucking amazing. My partner has also been on antidepressants and it completely flipped their life around. They used to be extremely depressed and suicidal, now they are joyful, social, and love their life. I have no idea how but i guess it must work somehow.

I think humankind is a 100% product of this planet and nature itself. It didn't came from anywhere else. All other kinds too. All these cities, nations, technological developments or genocides, infanticides, racism, all these are parts of a nature. 99% of all once lived species are extinct. If it would not be nature, it would just not happen.

I am sorry for how it sounds like

Personally for me it gives more acceptance towards everything. All this is just extended phenotype. Beavers build dams, spiders make webs, ants build colonies and etc. People do the same (except of webs, hahaha) and more

fair, thats one way to look at things. Maybe we were just wired to create these fucked up systems until sometime it'll collapse and we'll go extinct aswell

 

[enso]

My sleep schedule is anything but stable. I have periods of intense insomnia and then other times where i sleep through almost all of my free time and at night. For the past month my insomnia has been insane (worse than it already was before) as a side effect of a medication i had to take temporarily. I coukd finally stop the medication 2 nights ago but my sleep is fucked and my mental state doesnt let me sleep much either.

Eating habits are more stable, though i also had troubles with food for the past month (also side effect of that same medication), but its been getting a bit better. Though I now have to start taking my adhd medication again for uni, and these kind of kill my appetite too but it will get better as my body gets used to the medication again. Otherwise i have some phases where i dont eat a lot when im feeling very low, but its not super super bad, i just eat less than usual and have less of an appetite.

You're so good that you already take your medication!

If something brings you discomfort, just discuss it with your specialist too. Some medication can have serious side effects for one person and literally no side effects for other one. Medical treatment is made to make you feel better, first of all!

that honestly sounds fucking amazing. My partner has also been on antidepressants and it completely flipped their life around. They used to be extremely depressed and suicidal, now they are joyful, social, and love their life. I have no idea how but i guess it must work somehow.

Yeah, definitely! Your partner is just an etalon example of how much it can help!

 

[BloodStainedAntlers]

You're so good that you already take your medication!

Well, I kind of had to as it was a prophylaxis medication. I travelled to a country with my parents where it's strongly advised to take prophylaxis so I didnt have much of a choice. But im relieved that i could finally stop taking it, it definetly wasnt helping my mental state w the side effects..

But yeah, i think I'll talk to my doctor about potentially trying antidepressants. Its worth a try i suppose.