Isadeth
Visionary
- Jun 12, 2020
- 2,538
I'm happy to read that you're still with us and finding support from everyone along the way ♡ Your story is so genuine. I hope you are doing well. Xx
Step40
Member
- May 30, 2020
- 31
@Garbage Person
(I hate calling you that because you really don't deserve that name!!)
I'm so glad we have continued to be in touch,
will definitely do so through pm.
I think your complete honesty really touched a lot of people's hearts here, so before you even realised it, you were helping those who are alone.
Your super brave and amazing
Big loves xx
(I hate calling you that because you really don't deserve that name!!)
I'm so glad we have continued to be in touch,
will definitely do so through pm.
I think your complete honesty really touched a lot of people's hearts here, so before you even realised it, you were helping those who are alone.
Your super brave and amazing
Big loves xx
pickajack
Student
- Jul 17, 2020
- 115
@Garbage Person !!! So stoked to read your recent post. Your handle should honestly be "Wonderful Person". More apt :) So pleased that you are getting support in an environment where you feel safe and comfortable.
I had been lurking this site for a couple of weeks. It was your thread that pushed me to make an account. Not to be creepy, but your journal thread really touched me (and obviously lots of other judging by the outpouring of support ).
Take Heart Wonderful Person :) we are all rooting for you :)
I had been lurking this site for a couple of weeks. It was your thread that pushed me to make an account. Not to be creepy, but your journal thread really touched me (and obviously lots of other judging by the outpouring of support ).
Take Heart Wonderful Person :) we are all rooting for you :)
Oooooooohhhhhh, better you than me with the needles, hahaha! I HATE needles!
Actually, I'm such a chicken shit when it comes to needles. I'm so scared right before they do the poke, and then when they finally do it, I'm like, what was all the fuss about? I spend more time being a chicken than it actually takes to get poked, hahaha!
You'd think I'd learn from this, but no, not me. I still get spooked every time I know I'm about to get poked.
Yet, I handled natural childbirth at home just fine, hahaha!
I'm telling you right now, you are friends with quite possibly the craziest nose in the world!
I, too, want to know what life is like for you in the crisis center. Are they still treating you well? Because, if they aren't, I'll send my imaginary friends over there to bite their noses!
I have five of them, and they are super fast and super loyal to my nose friends, so let me know if anyone bugs you in the slightest.
And, oh, I am so glad that your brain scan turned out fine. You really are lucky. Do you believe in guardian angels or in divine intervention?
I'm not the religious type, but, when things like that happen, it makes me wonder.
Well, get all the rest you need, my darling nose, and do please keep us posted. When do you get out of the crisis center? When you do, I'd like to give you some money if we can find a way to get it to you.
It won't be a whole lot, but I really would like to support you. I know what it's like to have no money, it really sucks. But now I have some b/c I got a settlement after getting hit by a car, so I would love to help you if you will accept.
Just PM me and we can talk about it more.
Bye for now, from your fudge sickle nose friend.
And love always,
Your left nostril
Hey Nose, I just tried to PM you but I have trouble PMing some members for some reason. My computer is even more tempramental than I am, hahaha!
Hi Nose, I just tried to PM you, but my computer wouldn't let me. I have trouble PMing some members for some reason. My computer is more tempramental than I am, I swear it!
So, please PM me when you can if you want. I have an idea!
I was wondering if you are getting lonely there. If so, and if you feel comfortable, maybe you could give me the number to where you are staying and we can actually chat, as in hear each other's voices.
Or, I can give my number to you and you can call me, whatever you feel comfortable with the most.
Yeah, I know, some on here will say I shouldn't do that, but you have touched me in a way that no one else has on here, and I am really drawn to you.
And, I know how horribly lonely being stuck in a psych ward setting is. I was hospitalized twice, and literally the only things I had to look forward to were the pudding snacks and the visits and calls from fam and friends.
So, if you get lonely, I'm here. Just don't text me, I can't read them b/c my phone doesn't read them. But my computer will read a PM if you write me.
Just putting it out there...
I hope you are doing well.
With much love and gratitude,
Your right nostril!
And sorry my last post was so fucked up! I hate, hate HATE my computer sometimes!
And, sorry my last post was so fucked up. My computer has a mind of its own! NOSE!
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Garbage Person
Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
- Jan 17, 2020
- 305
@Lostandfound7 You're amazing as well. I'm always happy to see your posts and know you're around. Love you greatly and hope all is well! Big ol' hug and kiss right back!
@NewOrder Thanks for that. It's not too bad. It has been a weird day. There was only one other person here but they were just escorted out by police after threatening staff and yelling for about 2 hours straight. It's not that kind of facility, so he had to go. I was faced with the option of staying here alone for the next seven days and possibly having no home again after that, or go stay in a shelter a few towns away with 40 people and shared rooms. I want to be in a good environment that's calm while I put in applications, so I decided to stay here. There's a really nice garden, full kitchen, my own room, and great staff. It's not assisted living, so I just go about my day as anyone else would. You only get 10 days here total though, so the clock is ticking. If the shelters are full when I leave, it's back to the car and I'm okay with that at the moment.
@pickajack I'm glad you joined friend, the support here is great no matter what routes you choose to take. I'm glad my thread touched you in some way, I'll definitely be around and hope you will as well.
@Cupcake I had pudding twice today and made sure to touch my nose! That's amazing that you gave birth at home, naturally, really cool actually. I really wonder about things like guardians or fate. I've had a few close calls in car accidents that really made me wonder. The timing of the cop was very odd, it went down like it was rehearsed. Life is incredibly strange at times like that. I remember telling the nurse, "if I had the option to be alive and free, dead, or stuck in the ER, the ER would be my last choice". She laughed and assured me I was lucky and that someone was watching over me. Im not the religious type either but things are just weird and spark curiosity of such things for sure. I'm so happy to have you as a nose friend. Your posts always put a huge smile on my face and the world would lose a gem if it lost you. As far as the clinic, I can leave anytime I want if I choose but they give you 10 days maximum. They usually house up to 10 but can only take 3 right now. We just lost one and now it's only me and staff. Treatment here is outstanding so far. People from all wakes of life. I would love to chat in any manner you feel comfortable. Feel free to PM me your number. I would have never expected an offer for money, I don't exactly know how to articulate how it would make me feel. It's certainly a resource that I need, but I feel I should handle it on my own and always have felt that way, I can't even panhandle anymore as it would make me feel bad. Your support, and very essence means so much more to me than money ever could. I love you so much! Please stick around!
@Isadeth Thank you! I'm feeling okay tonight. I'm sitting outside just enjoying the summer night. There's a steady breeze that is just so soothing. I hope you're doing alright tonight as well.
@Step40 Yes! I'm happy to learn more about you and form that connection, it's nice to have someone to chat with. I really appreciate the support. You're an amazing individual yourself, please keep your head up as well! I'll always be here for you.
I haven't done too much today. Just filled out forms for public housing in the area in case I don't end up in a place too soon. No idea how long the list is, but Im sure it will be a while. Covid doesn't help a bit. It's nice to be the only one in the crisis center now. I'll kind of miss the guy that was here, but he was a threat to staff and they aren't allowed to touch us here so that doesn't fly. He was deaf and I enjoyed smoking together outside. I don't know ASL but usually have an easy time engaging with them if it isn't too severe. He had a very sad life and I wish that man the best. We were in the ER together, I always heard him yelling but never saw the guy until I came here. I plan on putting in applications all day tomorrow and making callbacks to places I've already applied. Hopefully something will come of it. Thanks again for all the support. I'll post some more if I think of anything I missed. It has been a smooth day. Much love to all.
@NewOrder Thanks for that. It's not too bad. It has been a weird day. There was only one other person here but they were just escorted out by police after threatening staff and yelling for about 2 hours straight. It's not that kind of facility, so he had to go. I was faced with the option of staying here alone for the next seven days and possibly having no home again after that, or go stay in a shelter a few towns away with 40 people and shared rooms. I want to be in a good environment that's calm while I put in applications, so I decided to stay here. There's a really nice garden, full kitchen, my own room, and great staff. It's not assisted living, so I just go about my day as anyone else would. You only get 10 days here total though, so the clock is ticking. If the shelters are full when I leave, it's back to the car and I'm okay with that at the moment.
@pickajack I'm glad you joined friend, the support here is great no matter what routes you choose to take. I'm glad my thread touched you in some way, I'll definitely be around and hope you will as well.
@Cupcake I had pudding twice today and made sure to touch my nose! That's amazing that you gave birth at home, naturally, really cool actually. I really wonder about things like guardians or fate. I've had a few close calls in car accidents that really made me wonder. The timing of the cop was very odd, it went down like it was rehearsed. Life is incredibly strange at times like that. I remember telling the nurse, "if I had the option to be alive and free, dead, or stuck in the ER, the ER would be my last choice". She laughed and assured me I was lucky and that someone was watching over me. Im not the religious type either but things are just weird and spark curiosity of such things for sure. I'm so happy to have you as a nose friend. Your posts always put a huge smile on my face and the world would lose a gem if it lost you. As far as the clinic, I can leave anytime I want if I choose but they give you 10 days maximum. They usually house up to 10 but can only take 3 right now. We just lost one and now it's only me and staff. Treatment here is outstanding so far. People from all wakes of life. I would love to chat in any manner you feel comfortable. Feel free to PM me your number. I would have never expected an offer for money, I don't exactly know how to articulate how it would make me feel. It's certainly a resource that I need, but I feel I should handle it on my own and always have felt that way, I can't even panhandle anymore as it would make me feel bad. Your support, and very essence means so much more to me than money ever could. I love you so much! Please stick around!
@Isadeth Thank you! I'm feeling okay tonight. I'm sitting outside just enjoying the summer night. There's a steady breeze that is just so soothing. I hope you're doing alright tonight as well.
@Step40 Yes! I'm happy to learn more about you and form that connection, it's nice to have someone to chat with. I really appreciate the support. You're an amazing individual yourself, please keep your head up as well! I'll always be here for you.
I haven't done too much today. Just filled out forms for public housing in the area in case I don't end up in a place too soon. No idea how long the list is, but Im sure it will be a while. Covid doesn't help a bit. It's nice to be the only one in the crisis center now. I'll kind of miss the guy that was here, but he was a threat to staff and they aren't allowed to touch us here so that doesn't fly. He was deaf and I enjoyed smoking together outside. I don't know ASL but usually have an easy time engaging with them if it isn't too severe. He had a very sad life and I wish that man the best. We were in the ER together, I always heard him yelling but never saw the guy until I came here. I plan on putting in applications all day tomorrow and making callbacks to places I've already applied. Hopefully something will come of it. Thanks again for all the support. I'll post some more if I think of anything I missed. It has been a smooth day. Much love to all.
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AvaAdore
When will it be?
- Jul 20, 2020
- 159
I have been lurking here for a long time but just like PickaJack I also felt the need to create an account just so I could post in your thread.
I wanted to say I'm glad things are better right now for you and like others on this thread I can heavily relate to a lot of what you have discussed here.
I am also a parent. I went through a really rough time in my life where my child was separated from me. That's mainly what keeps me alive is because I love my child so much that I wouldn't want any misunderstanding of why I couldn't stay here anymore. My child is too young to understand and too dependent on me.
My best advice is to keep going as long as you can because your children will be able to decide on their own if they want you in their life and there is nothing their mother can do to stop that.
Also I wanted to know will you keep posting in this thread or will you make a new topic in the recovery section?
I wanted to say I'm glad things are better right now for you and like others on this thread I can heavily relate to a lot of what you have discussed here.
I am also a parent. I went through a really rough time in my life where my child was separated from me. That's mainly what keeps me alive is because I love my child so much that I wouldn't want any misunderstanding of why I couldn't stay here anymore. My child is too young to understand and too dependent on me.
My best advice is to keep going as long as you can because your children will be able to decide on their own if they want you in their life and there is nothing their mother can do to stop that.
Also I wanted to know will you keep posting in this thread or will you make a new topic in the recovery section?
Garbage Person
Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
- Jan 17, 2020
- 305
@AvaAdore Hey, I'm really glad you joined and welcome! I definitely relate completely. My kids are the number one reason I'm still glad to be here. I owe it to them really, they didn't ask for this, same as any of us here. The least I can do is not contribute to their pain. It really is tough, I can't wait to see them next. It breaks my heart to miss out on so much time with them. I greatly appreciate your advice and totally agree. I hope things are decent for you at the moment. I plan to just keep posting here for now. It helps me to be able to look back, this is the only thing I keep of my own personal history. It is turning into a recovery, so it really just depends on rather or not any mods take issue with the material here. I started this thread suicidal and even attempted while giving live updates until I couldn't, so it seems it could fall here as well. It could potentially help someone either way. I should have taken pictures of the setup that day, as the foil seemed to work for protecting the interior of the car and I just had the grill setup in my passenger seat. The hospital confirmed that it would have likely done the trick, my CO levels in the blood were very high for the amount of time I was in the vehicle. I'm convinced that it would be a peaceful way to go. I didn't even care about the heat after a while. To answer your question though, I'll post here for now. I was going to update the thread with what I've done today but I'll likely do it later today as I'm exhausted and pretty much ready to crash. I have an interview tomorrow and I might be able to work out the insurance job depending on a few things. I found out that my stay here is covered and that was a huge relief. I'll be around and post more later today. Feel free to pm me or anything. Thanks you SS folk
AvaAdore
When will it be?
- Jul 20, 2020
- 159
I am look forward to being able to send PMs. I just got to get my post count up first before I have the permission.
I have been working as an insurance claims adjuster for over 5 years. I moved out of state at the beginning of May this year and started to apply to other insurance companies so I could continue to work. I just recently started with the company I am working for now.
I had been dealing with a lot of stress with the move, being unemployed and then of course this covid pandemic. Now that I am employed once again I feel a bit more stable but I still go through intense feelings of wanting to just walk away from everything due to the heavy weight of responsibility I feel.
I have been working as an insurance claims adjuster for over 5 years. I moved out of state at the beginning of May this year and started to apply to other insurance companies so I could continue to work. I just recently started with the company I am working for now.
I had been dealing with a lot of stress with the move, being unemployed and then of course this covid pandemic. Now that I am employed once again I feel a bit more stable but I still go through intense feelings of wanting to just walk away from everything due to the heavy weight of responsibility I feel.
Garbage Person
Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
- Jan 17, 2020
- 305
@AvaAdore You definitely took the words out of my mouth. It is hard not to just walk away from it all. I've felt that with pretty much every decision I've ever made, especially within the last year. I am happy to hear you're feeling more stable, that always helps with comfort. Nothing is ever perfect, there's always some sort of trade off and then it's back to wanting to walk away it seems. I know the insurance field myself, though you're definitely a veteran compared to me. I just have two years under my belt. I'd give the company names but I'll save it for a pm, as it would easily give away my exact location. It can be such a draining field, to me anyway. It's looking like I might be getting back into sales. That interview today went too well and she seemed far more interested in using me for sales, talked for an hour. We talked about how interviews are so hard to guage when someone has good credentials, well spoken, and has been on both sides of the desk. You know what they want to hear, and you just sell yourself. All of the conversation just lead to her wanting me to sell parts. I'm too good at being a bullshit wizard and just taking them for a ride. I almost hate that about myself, I don't know when to play dumb, especially now that I'm sober minded. So, I guess I'll be selling people overpriced shit that they don't need, once again. I have to ask, is your user name a Smashing Pumpkins reference? That's what keeps coming to mind the few times I've typed it.
Today was pretty much just another productive day. I feel like I spent about three hours on hold between various organizations and companies for a small fraction of actual conversation time. Most news today was neutral or skewed towards the negative. Our libraries all have time limits on how long you can visit and I've yet to find a work space for the insurance gig. Hopefully, they'll postpone my hire date for the next round if they have one. I'll just work on getting into a place of my own for now. I just texted my ex to give her an update on things. I don't know if she knows about my attempt or not. Some locals know and my family, but I didn't tell anyone on that day aside from here. I've yet to mention this site to anyone and plan to keep it that way. It's here for those who seek it themselves. I'm excited about the prospect of seeing my kids soon, whenever that day comes. I got to talk with @Cupcake today and that really made my day. When you read this, know I'm thankful for you and that you'll always be my nose diamond. Anyway, I hope all is as well as it can be for anyone reading this. Given the nature of the site, I always assume the worst but I can still wish you well. It's the thought that counts, right? Supposedly? Allegedly.
Today was pretty much just another productive day. I feel like I spent about three hours on hold between various organizations and companies for a small fraction of actual conversation time. Most news today was neutral or skewed towards the negative. Our libraries all have time limits on how long you can visit and I've yet to find a work space for the insurance gig. Hopefully, they'll postpone my hire date for the next round if they have one. I'll just work on getting into a place of my own for now. I just texted my ex to give her an update on things. I don't know if she knows about my attempt or not. Some locals know and my family, but I didn't tell anyone on that day aside from here. I've yet to mention this site to anyone and plan to keep it that way. It's here for those who seek it themselves. I'm excited about the prospect of seeing my kids soon, whenever that day comes. I got to talk with @Cupcake today and that really made my day. When you read this, know I'm thankful for you and that you'll always be my nose diamond. Anyway, I hope all is as well as it can be for anyone reading this. Given the nature of the site, I always assume the worst but I can still wish you well. It's the thought that counts, right? Supposedly? Allegedly.
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SterileMoth
Who knows man
- Jul 9, 2020
- 74
I'm glad to hear you're still here, I was just thinking about you earlier and wondering what had happened. Glad I stumbled upon this thread again! Even though I'm "watching" it I didn't get any notifications (maybe I'm doing it ... wrong? Somehow?) It sounds like things have been going pretty well, all things considered though! It's always nice to see a glimmer of hope, even if it's someone else's.
Garbage Person
Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
- Jan 17, 2020
- 305
@SterileMoth Yeah, I'm trying to stay positive. I've changed a lot of habits that seem to be helping my mindset. I've known too many people that never bothered making any changes to their environment, and habits, just sinking further and further down into the hole. I still have no hope thinking about the state of the world and humanity, as it's just a constant shit show and always has been. At the least though, I can set small goals for myself and follow through. I want to help those who seek it and are willing to help themselves. I love concepts like unity and instilling a sense of passion that seems to be dying out. Everything lacks so much passion these days. It's everything now, selfish and comfortable. From warfare with unmanned drones and simly pulling triggers, to sending messages with no real human touch/art or anticipation. Specialty shops dying out, replaced with huge parking lots, brick and mortar. Even malls are dying. Everything is severely under control by a small group that care about no one. I can't change any of that but I can at least sow seeds of positive change. I just called a local nursing home to enroll in their CNA program and I hope I'm selected as it's completely paid for. Plan to take the ACT later this year, just need to refresh my mathematics knowledge. I can't focus on the world at large anymore, I can only be selfish but in a good way. Rather than indulge, I seek to assist. The fact I'll be dead someday brings me comfort. So does the fact that this planet will likely naturally eliminate us from its surface for being such a plague on its ecosystem, raping its resources dry. We deserve it. I just want to die comfortable with what I've put out rather than with a wimper and regrets, lost potential. I'm not hopeful, only motivated. There's no use in me being bored anymore when there are so many stones unturned. I'm focused, not distracted. I'm alert, not perverse. I only hope to extend a hand and have someone reach out and take hold to climb together rather than fall into oblivion. It's no race, it will catch up with me eventually. I no longer fear death, I look forward to it, but I've got work to do for now.
AvaAdore
When will it be?
- Jul 20, 2020
- 159
@Garbage Person yeah I chose my username from the Smashing Pumpkins song. I just went and watched the video for it for the first time. I don't know how I missed it before. It's one of my favorite songs from them. I would type more but I'm supposed to be working right now. I just found out our claims office will be closed for the rest of this year. I like working from home but it can be distracting too.
Garbage Person
Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
- Jan 17, 2020
- 305
@AvaAdore Nice. Always was a fan of them, and that video is one of my favorites from them. If there's a band that never fails to make me nostalgic for the 90's, it's Smashing Pumpkins.
AvaAdore
When will it be?
- Jul 20, 2020
- 159
Would your ex at least be open to allowing you to see your kids on something like Facebook video chat?
Hi Nose!
Hi Nose!
I just got through reading all your new posts, and I love how hopeful you are still are. It really is a good motivater for me to try and find things to be hopeful about as well.
Talking to you the past few days has been a huge highlight for me, too! I love your voice. I like to imagine what kind of food people's voiceare, and yours is Italian cheese and sausage ravioli. The whole made stuff, not the shit from a can, though when I was a kid, I LOVED the canned raviolis and Vienna sausages. Now they make me wanna puke, hahaha!
The Smashing Pumpkins are one of my favorite bands. My two fave songs are the one that starts with "The world is a vampire." I can't remember the name of that particular song, but he feels like a rat in a cage. That song.
The other song I like is called Today. He says it's the greatest day, and it always makes me feel happy.
When my dad was alive, we used to listen to all sorts of music together, and Smashing Pumpkins was definitely a band we both enjoyed. RIP Daddy! I miss you so much!!
Anyway Nose, I hope you get good rest. Bryan, my tree of laziness, will be coming to you in a while, as I promised. He is really good at helping you sleep, especially if you imagine sleeping in one of his upper branches and having him rock you in a gentle breeze. But watch out! He can make you oversleep if you aren't careful, hahaha!
Bye for now, from your fudge sickle nose friend!
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Garbage Person
Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
- Jan 17, 2020
- 305
@AvaAdore I think so, though I'd have to download what I need to do it. I have Zoom right now, I'd push for that. I ditched all things Facebook years ago, but I could just make a fake profile. I'm sure things will come together soon enough regardless. Hope you're doing well, I'll shoot you a pm here in a moment.
@Cupcake Hey nose friend! I'm glad you're still getting something out of my posts, it definitely still helps me reflect. Even if you're feeling hopeless sometime, just remember your story you told me about in this thread. Think of the breath of your children coming from those cute noses! Those are both great songs, despite all his rage. Your dad sounds like he was a cool dude. Thanks for sending over Bryan, I assume he'll be here in an hour or so. I know I'll sleep well tonight. I have Italian in me, so maybe sausage ravioli and Italian cheese is fitting, I'm just glad I'm not canned. I eat that canned shit a lot if I'm camping or fishing. It's cheap and it works. Maybe I should be canned. I'm cheap and I work, sometimes. I'm sure I'll give you a call tomorrow! Good night NOSE!
Today was alright. I've been kind of down today, not terrible though. Just feeling like an alien as things kind of blur as well. I know what I'm doing, but I can't figure out why tonight. It's the first night since I was released from BHU where I've found suicidal thoughts creeping in again. My pay from the shift I worked wasn't much and as I approach my last day in the crisis center, I'll be giving up all the comfort and grand pillars of support. There's a mcdonalds on the other side of the privacy fence. It's a stern reminder of the world I'll be discharged back into. I lost my right to own a firearm with that attempt, it would take a lot of time to appeal the decision. I find myself questioning if I should just do it again but do it right and hang myself deep in the woods where no one would likely find me. Everything is just an indoctrination process and I'll always just be the product of my environment. I have another interview Friday with a rental store, delivering items to customers. It is all just nothing to me tonight. I feel frozen in time as everything moves around me, constantly fighting with myself and being a fence sitter with most current issues. I keep setting short term, day to day goals but I'm losing sight of what the end game is, aside from dying. I read my past posts that are more positive, but I'm not seeing many desires no matter if I'm in a good mood or not. I keep pushing for the kids, but I just feel emotionless tonight. I wish I could be more positive with this post, but Im just feeling foul. I'll probably try this again in the morning or something so it doesn't just turn into rambling or ranting, it's already a bit of both. I wish you well tonight.
@Cupcake Hey nose friend! I'm glad you're still getting something out of my posts, it definitely still helps me reflect. Even if you're feeling hopeless sometime, just remember your story you told me about in this thread. Think of the breath of your children coming from those cute noses! Those are both great songs, despite all his rage. Your dad sounds like he was a cool dude. Thanks for sending over Bryan, I assume he'll be here in an hour or so. I know I'll sleep well tonight. I have Italian in me, so maybe sausage ravioli and Italian cheese is fitting, I'm just glad I'm not canned. I eat that canned shit a lot if I'm camping or fishing. It's cheap and it works. Maybe I should be canned. I'm cheap and I work, sometimes. I'm sure I'll give you a call tomorrow! Good night NOSE!
Today was alright. I've been kind of down today, not terrible though. Just feeling like an alien as things kind of blur as well. I know what I'm doing, but I can't figure out why tonight. It's the first night since I was released from BHU where I've found suicidal thoughts creeping in again. My pay from the shift I worked wasn't much and as I approach my last day in the crisis center, I'll be giving up all the comfort and grand pillars of support. There's a mcdonalds on the other side of the privacy fence. It's a stern reminder of the world I'll be discharged back into. I lost my right to own a firearm with that attempt, it would take a lot of time to appeal the decision. I find myself questioning if I should just do it again but do it right and hang myself deep in the woods where no one would likely find me. Everything is just an indoctrination process and I'll always just be the product of my environment. I have another interview Friday with a rental store, delivering items to customers. It is all just nothing to me tonight. I feel frozen in time as everything moves around me, constantly fighting with myself and being a fence sitter with most current issues. I keep setting short term, day to day goals but I'm losing sight of what the end game is, aside from dying. I read my past posts that are more positive, but I'm not seeing many desires no matter if I'm in a good mood or not. I keep pushing for the kids, but I just feel emotionless tonight. I wish I could be more positive with this post, but Im just feeling foul. I'll probably try this again in the morning or something so it doesn't just turn into rambling or ranting, it's already a bit of both. I wish you well tonight.
GravityUtilizer
Born to lose
- May 22, 2020
- 737
Don't worry about that; I have major swings of outlook with my depression too. Some days optimistic, some days suicidal. I'm just plodding on trying to make more of the optimistic days. And you've just been through a hell of a lot.
AvaAdore
When will it be?
- Jul 20, 2020
- 159
If I was you I would at least be sure of what I wanted to do before I made that final decision to CTB.
Hey @Garbage Person
Long story short I had to create a new account. I've to wait 24 hrs before a pm but once I do I will.
Sorry your having a shitty day, big hugs from across the pond. S xx
Garbage Person
Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
- Jan 17, 2020
- 305
@GravityUtilizer Glad to see your post, I always enjoy your responses. Definitely relate on all fronts. I feel like all I can ever do is just bide my time and wait for the bad feels to pass. It wouldn't be so bad if it was the feelings alone, but they lead to the negative thoughts. Still trying to figure out exactly how to circumvent all of that and turn it around into positive thoughts or just nothing. I guess meditation helps some people but I find that easier on the good or neutral days. The bad days just make me want to stay in bed or hide in some drainage pipe or under an overpass. I'm so used to being tossed away, it's why I'm garbage person. I think I crave profound and lasting connections with others, but I'm not sure such a thing exists. I hadn't thought about it until last night, but I'll likely always be a hopeless romantic as well. I continue to psych myself up for jobs and academic prospects, but it's hard not to just abandon it all and even myself. It's all I see and it's all I feel like I know. If I have to choose what carries value, than by default, none of it really has any. Everything Ive chased after was never caught, I just had to make due with what came along in my life. It's really discouraging, all of it. I can't thank you enough for the response. I'm not glad that it's the same for you, but it's nice to have someone, and others as well, that can relate. I hope you're as well as you can be today and that it's an optimistic one.
@AvaAdore Yes, I agree. Similar to what I just mentioned, I have to bide my time. I wouldn't want it to be spontaneous like last time. I want to give it time and see I the good days come back. I just know the stress is about to come back and it's so overwhelming. I'm not stressed out in the crisis center, but I still have to deal with the odd day here and there where things appear bleaker.
@Funkymonks Hey, too bad about the old account. It's all good, I'm somewhat better than last night but I'm kind of just taking the day off. It might have just been induced by burnout. So, it's a lazy day. Hope all is well with you and I look forward to chatting again. Take care for now.
@AvaAdore Yes, I agree. Similar to what I just mentioned, I have to bide my time. I wouldn't want it to be spontaneous like last time. I want to give it time and see I the good days come back. I just know the stress is about to come back and it's so overwhelming. I'm not stressed out in the crisis center, but I still have to deal with the odd day here and there where things appear bleaker.
@Funkymonks Hey, too bad about the old account. It's all good, I'm somewhat better than last night but I'm kind of just taking the day off. It might have just been induced by burnout. So, it's a lazy day. Hope all is well with you and I look forward to chatting again. Take care for now.
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@Garbage Person, quite possibly burnout as you have said.
Yes a lazy day, catch up on sleep eat some food, everything can wait a day.
Chat tomorrow
Yes a lazy day, catch up on sleep eat some food, everything can wait a day.
Chat tomorrow
Garbage Person
Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
- Jan 17, 2020
- 305
I've done jack shit today. Accepted a job offer, got an interview about city housing, read a bit of The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman (almost finished, excellent read), and dwelled on the fact that I lack personality and social skills. I really dread going back into the world. I've gotten far too comfortable at the crisis center, regardless of how much I've been accomplishing. I want to move to Mars at this point, just break away. The beauty of this planet is tainted by us, it's overpopulated, suffocating. It should shake us off like fleas. I bitch, but I have no alibi. I'll be a slave to the dead presidents like the rest, merely tax cattle. It's so depressing. I don't think I suffer from depression, I just think they've lost the sale with me is all. I'm not impressed, I don't like it. I feel like a child whining about fairness and getting his way. I don't know how to escape the grasps of modern day America without ending it. I wish I could narrow my view. However, I'm still trying. I keep telling myself to put some good into the world, go for that degree in social work. I have a heart and I feel like I'm a dying breed. There's so many in that field that don't give a shit about the clients or patients because that's all they are to them, "clients" and "patients". We're people. There may not be an end to evil in America, but there could be a good startup of positivity and true prosperity in the "living" sense, it just needs to start with individuals and grow in strength with number.
Current feels:
Current feels:
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@Garbage Person boy, you never quit and that's your alluring charm. I know for a fact that you can pull through and make it work again. Just don't stress yourself too much by listing out your weaknesses and flaws. "Personality and social skills," if anyone goes through what you have might lose his sanity forever. Yet here you are, telling us about your life, your daily routine, and alike. Trust me, friend, it takes a lot, a whole lot to keep standing after surviving "that."
Garbage Person
Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
- Jan 17, 2020
- 305
@Vinay4853 Nope, I tried to quit and failed. Would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for the meddling, piss filled police officer. I suppose I'm thankful. I can live and continue to bitch about it. I'm not so self righteous that I really think I can make any difference, but at least I can stick around for my little ones and try to set a good example, be there for them when they face the inevitable problems life throws them. Maybe I'll find peace along the way. I might make a recovery thread as I feel these posts no longer belong here. I've been thinking about it all day. What I'm facing and what I've faced is really nothing. Arrests, loss, breakups, family disfunction, substance abuse, unemployment, homelessness, and feelings of every color and shade, these are problems many face and I'm absolutely no special snowflake. I appreciate that you recognize that I can pull it together and make it work. Like I stated before, I'm not hopeful, just motivated. This will all just build character and strength for me. Unless I end up chained to some radiator in a dingy basement while people torture me, I doubt it could ever get worse. The world will get worse, but my own personal life likely wont. I don't see myself catching the bus anytime soon, but I'll always have the ticket in my back pocket for a really fucked up contingency plan if things somehow go tits up again. I'll always be the creepy one to society at worst and a ghost at best. Fuck em though, I wouldn't want to be a part of that club anyway. I'm getting older and they can stay off my lawn as soon as I have one for them to keep off of. I just plan to help take care of people who are elderly, alone, disabled, or dying. The ones that need somebody there just to function, or maybe need a presence during passing, or to help console grieving families. I've mentioned so many times here that I don't know what I want anymore for myself. So many people know and they just need a hand, maybe mine will do. I'm selfless, why kill myself when I've been dead inside for so long anyway. I'm already a ghost. I'll be around friend, I appreciate all the love and support. I'll continue to chat with the friends I've made through pm and calls, and might make a recovery thread if it will help anyone. From here on, I'll likely only come back to this thread if I choose to shut the door for good. You're all so fucking incredible. It's good to know I can come here for peace of mind and good wishes if I exit rather than anxiety inducing begging and pleas to go on suffering.
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I thoroughly enjoyed our talk today Nose. How was your visit with your brother? Did you expect him to come over, or was it a total surprivs?
Hope you don't mind me asking.
Anyway, please don't only write on here if you are going to shut the door for good. I love coming back here and reading what you have to say, even if you don't feel like you've made any progress. You always have such creative and thought-provoking things to say, and I think it's important for you to keep writing, even if it's just a journal for you.
One of my ighlights is looking at your thread, even if ee've just talked mere hours ago, so please don't leave this thread Nose!! I, at least have the blessing of getting to talk to you on the phone, but others aren't so lucky, and if you left, I think a lot would wonder about you.
Anyway, I'm not trying to pressure you, I just love you so much, Nose, and you write so well, and even when you think you are writing depressing posts, they are actually uplifting in a lot of ways.
Bryan's coming over in a little less than an hour. But, he's already got very lazy plans for you, so I hope you are down for sleeping and then sleeping some more, haha!
Good night Nose!
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