...and nothing of value was lost.

[GravityUtilizer]

People are waking up to how unsatisfying a life of material gains can really be.

Alas not here in England.

 

[Garbage Person]

@GravityUtilizer Sadly, I don't think enough people here are either. Definitely more than ever, but not enough. Maybe it still does it for these people. I don't get it. I feel like most are probably screaming internally trying to constantly stay afloat, but maybe I'm wrong. A lot of them don't even really "own" their high value shit, they're paying it off with interest on top of it. Just seems like a waste of resources to me anymore. I don't know anyone that's truly happy.

 

[Garbage Person]

I can't do it anymore. I'm a broken product. I don't know if I'll be able to get any sleep first, but as soon the cool morning temps hit, I'm sticking that charcoal in the car. I need to tape all vents and give it a once over on the outside. Some piece of shit hit my car last year and my rear side door is fucked. I've had tape on the outside of it to keep the elements out. I need to make sure it's sealed though. I just can't roll the dice anymore. It's not worth it when you don't know what you even want. Maybe if my life hadn't reached this dumpster fire status, I could have worked it out. The daily struggle for mere dollars is completely ridiculous for me. Everything is crushing. Knowing that I can't get things together for that job I accepted is too painful. I can't go back to another factory, store, or whatever the fuck it ends up being. I don't fit anywhere. I don't even fit with the people that don't fit anywhere. My mind is just shot. I can't recover. I'll try to not just shit out my next post, but I'm in too much pain and I've decided this has to be it. Enough with the fucking flip flop. I can read my posts and know what I need to do. I can look into the eyes of another, and I know what I need to do. I can look in the mirror, and know it's time.

 

[Garbage Person]

I feel like such a failure for going this route but I just don't see any open paths or opportunities. I felt like a failure anyway. Right now I'm just trying to calm my nerves. I've got some decent time to kill and plan on just staying awake so I'm even more tired when it's time to close the door. I'm already at the spot and have put up some extra tape on the door. I'm confident it will work out as I'm just going to fill the little grill. I think my next step is to put a few layers of aluminum foil on the ceiling above the seat, passenger door paneling and controls, as well as the glove box to help control some of that heat and hopefully not melt everything or start a fire. The grill has legs that will keep it stable in a tray that will be filled with water. This should all work out, it's pretty last minute though. I'm out of resources and time, so it just has to do.

As cheesy as it sounds, I'm just listening to some albums I haven't heard in years to help calm me down a bit. Dark Side of the Moon is on now. Meddle was always my favorite, but I've heard it far more times and this seems appropriate anyway.

I plan on hand writing a note to the first responder. I don't want to shit on anyone's day, but sadly this will. I feel I like owe them an apology. I may get one last pack of smokes and come back here as well before I mess with the foil. Also have to make warning notes for the windows. Plan on keeping my ID taped to my shirt so it's easy for them to find. I'd like to leave some sort of note here, but I feel like this thread has definitely allowed me to express my feelings and thoughts as it is anyway. My mind is a zoo right now.

 

[Garbage Person]

The big concern of mine is the kids. The whole reason I joined here was to start a thread and look into suicide and parents. My ex has, and always will have full control over our children. Alive or dead, those kids will be raised to think I don't care about them. I have no one in my corner. My father isn't really involved in their lives and really just didn't seem interested in being the mediator for visits, even though the ex agreed that he was a good pick. I don't know what I could possibly leave behind for them, any of it will be destroyed or who knows. I just know that I love them. I miss them constantly. The moment she took them with her, my life became a hell that I could never have been prepared for. Couple that with the fact that no one really had my back, it's why I'm prepping to depart. What the fuck else can I do about all this? I think they might be better off not knowing me in the end.

I care too much about what people think of me. I know Im told often that I shouldn't, but what people think of you will greatly affect your life. All I mostly feel like I've been is abadoned (kicked out of every home, school, job, relationship), and most of what Im told is that I'm dumb, ugly, and shit. I've heard nice things here, and I hear nice things from bosses when I start jobs and especially interviews (I act confident, and know what they want to hear, just bullshit), same goes for the beginning of relationships, they want something from me though so of course they're nice and blow smoke up my ass. I suck at life, hopefully I don't somehow suck at death too.

 

[Good4Nothing]

I'm sorry it came to this, man.
I hope you find peace.

 

[Garbage Person]

@Good4Nothing Me too dude. Thanks for the kind thought. I appreciate you sticking around and reading all this bullshit. I sent you a pm that can be disregarded, as I'm not waiting until sundown again.

I fucked up and passed out, woke up to the sun already out. Luckily, it's cloudy and still kind of cool so hopefully this doesn't turn the car into an unbearable oven. It's still better than going through another day. Spent my last 10 bucks (aside from that stupid bag of change) on a pack of smokes. Last meal was a poor boy from a gas station cooler lol. I'm not bothering with any messages or notes, it just doesn't matter. I'm not anything special and leaving any notes just feels like some self important drivel. I'm not even sure why I'm bothering leaving a final message here but I've been posting for days, so fuck it. No idea if a report will be made but I'll leave my name with someone to confirm this. I never taped the vents, so I'll start there and then do the foil, take all my tramadol, and then light the charcoal and wait for it to burn down a bit. I hope things improve for anyone who found themselves here. I appreciate the community here, the information, and the right to die by my own hands. I'd say I love you, but those words were always followed up with pain and misery, so I'm led to believe they mean nothing at all. I'll just say thank you instead. Thank you.

 

[who doesn't matter]

Man, I really thought things were taking a good turn for you. I don't know what to say anymore.

 

[Garbage Person]

@Vinay4853 I thought so too. I don't know what else to do. I'm out of money, I don't feel like I have anyone that really cares. I'm lost. I just took my tramadol a moment ago and I'm about to load the starter. My car looks crazy, it's a pretty surreal moment really. I'm not parked anywhere that I had initially planned on. Off to the side in a vacant lot, not much out here but it's still peaceful. If a cop happens to roll up or something, I'll just tell him it's for an art piece. It's Sunday, I assume they're busy with dopers, domestic disputes, and hitting on gas station cashiers while sipping coffee. If I had any direction, I definitely wouldn't do this. It feels pretty fucked and I wish these circumstances were different. I had considered just abadoning or selling my car this morning and taking off on foot, hopping a train, or just hitchhiking out of this forsaken place, but once again, it feels like it would just be a dice roll as to rather or not I'd find anything worth living for.

 

[SterileMoth]

@Vinay4853 I thought so too. I don't know what else to do. I'm out of money, I don't feel like I have anyone that really cares. I'm lost. I just took my tramadol a moment ago and I'm about to load the starter. My car looks crazy, it's a pretty surreal moment really. I'm not parked anywhere that I had initially planned on. Off to the side in a vacant lot, not much out here but it's still peaceful. If a cop happens to roll up or something, I'll just tell him it's for an art piece. It's Sunday, I assume they're busy with dopers, domestic disputes, and hitting on gas station cashiers while sipping coffee. If I had any direction, I definitely wouldn't do this. It feels pretty fucked and I wish these circumstances were different. I had considered just abadoning or selling my car this morning and taking off on foot, hopping a train, or just hitchhiking out of this forsaken place, but once again, it feels like it would just be a dice roll as to rather or not I'd find anything worth living for.

Peaceful travels man. I just read through your whole thread, I'm sorry things took such a turn but I hope you find rest.

 

[Garbage Person]

@SterileMoth Thank you so much. I hope to rest well. This is the most important charcoal I've ever lit and I'm actually having a bit of trouble with it. Most of what I have doesn't burn well and I'm working with just a Bic lighter. If this paper and trash doesn't work, I'll have to try the pyramid stack and hope for the best. This is honestly a bit embarrassing. I should have bought some newspapers with that change.

 

[SterileMoth]

@SterileMoth Thank you so much. I hope to rest well. This is the most important charcoal I've ever lit and I'm actually having a bit of trouble with it. Most of what I have doesn't burn well and I'm working with just a Bic lighter. If this paper and trash doesn't work, I'll have to try the pyramid stack and hope for the best. This is honestly a bit embarrassing. I should have bought some newspapers with that change.

Leave it to life to add another complication so close to the end. With how everything's been going forgetting newspaper is understandable, I probably wouldn't even think of it to be honest! But I'm a fairly forgetful person haha. Hope you're able to get the hang of it soon or that something comes along quickly that changes things :)

 

[Garbage Person]

Yeah, it's good now. I originally used some sketch paper (told myself I'd pick up a new hobby, never touched until now lol) but it didn't burn right. I used some cardboard, receipts, and empty cigarette packs, and that did the trick. Just waiting for it to burn down. I had gorilla tape and clothes for the night night method as a back up anyway. If I couldn't bring myself to that, then my last option was slicing both arms and my neck. It's all good though, a peaceful and non violent death is what I wanted these days. I always thought I'd shred my thoughts with buckshot but nah, I can die appreciating my brain, all these thoughts.

 

[SterileMoth]

Yeah, it's good now. I originally used some sketch paper (told myself I'd pick up a new hobby, never touched until now lol) but it didn't burn right. I used some cardboard, receipts, and empty cigarette packs, and that did the trick. Just waiting for it to burn down. I had gorilla tape and clothes for the night night method as a back up anyway. If I couldn't bring myself to that, then my last option was slicing both arms and my neck. It's all good though, a peaceful and non violent death is what I wanted these days. I always thought I'd shred my thoughts with buckshot but nah, I can die appreciating my brain, all these thoughts.

Those thoughts are part of you! And as many people have pointed out you're very intelligent and nice, all the crappy thoughts in there included. I'm sad I didn't keep up with this thread earlier, would have been nice to interact a bit more, but I understand your decision. If I had the means I'm sure I'd be following close behind :) when it's time, it's time.

 

[Garbage Person]

@SterileMoth I appreciate that! It's nice to receive kind words before departing. Should be about another 30 minutes and I can bring it into the car. Just sitting here chainsmoking. No music, just birds. There's sirens in the background atm though. Kind of off putting. I doubt this will take long as I filled the starter completely full, I'm sure it's overkill. I might run unblock one vent and run the ac for a moment before I bring it in but I'm not sure. I would have loved to chat with you I'm sure. I'm sitting here wishing I would have found a partner but both times in my life that I tried to seek that, it fell through. I'm kind of glad though, hopefully those individuals went on to live happy lives and I'd feel too responsible of someone went with me.

 

[Step40]

@Garbage Person im sorry to be reading these last few posts, I was really hoping things would turn around for you. Your posts have been insightful and honest and I really hope you have the peace you deserve whatever the outcome.

 

[Garbage Person]

I hope I can be with my kids in spirit in someway. I wish I could take away some of your pain in my passing. I can't help but have this song in my head at the moment. It was played at an acquaintance's funeral who committed suicide, and Flogging Molly is great drinking music anyway. Feeling nervous at the moment but it will pass.


There's an unusual amount of flies that have found their way in the car. It's like they know death is here.
Once the door is shut, I'll be putting on Dvorak's Symphony number 9 played by the Berlin philharmonic orchestra. Not necessarily my favorite composer but it's what I'm feeling. After that will just be a playlist of various classical pieces. Should bring me peace.
@Step40 Thank you for that and being here with me. I'll definitely be thinking of the kindness of this community and a few good souls I've met over the last few weeks. Please take care.

 

[SterileMoth]

Having a partner would be nice, life already feels so isolating the company would be nice in the end, however life circumstances change so much its hard to make it happen like that. Itll have been 30 minutes by the time I post this I'm sure, I hope to hear from you before you leave at least one last time! If not that's understandable, I'm not sure how long it will take before you lose conciousness and typing out one final message in the midst of that would be difficult. Hearing sirens is always unnerving, my friend used to bug me because I'd freeze every time we were toking and a siren went off (he also lives right beside a police station), and now I get sketched every time I hear one. Even with weed, which is legal here now haha.
I hope the music you've chosen carries you out blissfully, and that you truly do find peace. You deserve it, whatever may happen, you deserve some peace.

 

[Garbage Person]

@SterileMoth Thanks! Im very thankful to have you and anyone else with me in these moments. I thought it would be burned enough to use by now, but I've been stirring it around a bit trying to make sure all the pieces are ashy, I still have a moment. They really are unnerving, I can't stand nosy people and cops. I've only seen a few people drive by but there's some tall grass between the roadway and where I'm parked. I'm only worried because I already put the signs up, I should have waited but I just wanted all the prep work done.

 

[SterileMoth]

I probably would have gotten that done first too, then spent every moment after agonizingly anxious that someone would see. It sounds like you're in a pretty secluded spot though so I hope that brings some ease, and if its early morning I'm sure not too many people will be out yet. At least it sounds like a relatively nice day, if I could ctb outside on a nice day, I think that would be great. Birdsong and nature always calms me down a little. I hope it's doing the same for you. Then again thunderstorms are beautiful too ... rain fall would be so soothing and fitting, in a way. I guess being surrounded by nature in general would be nice.

 

[Apathy79]

Great thread @Garbage Person - really enjoyed that song too!

Surprising twist in the last 24 hours I must say - had all the hallmarks of a recovery thread until then, but I've got no doubt you know what's best for you.

It sounds like a perfect finish tbh, if you couldn't make life work you sure sound like you've made death work. Peace

 

[Garbage Person]

Running the ac a bit. I've lost a lot of cloud coverage and the sun has already heated the cabin up quite a bit. There's quite a bit of charcoal, so I'm sure it's going to be an oven. I wish I had stronger pain killers but it's whatever. I mostly just don't want to get a headache. I hope to passed out before my body starts doing all the weird uncomfortable shit. Nitrogen sounds like it's the way to go for a peaceful exit, but it just wasn't feasible.

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

@Vinay4853 I hope this is progress. I've progressed to the next day and that's a small victory for me.

@Step40 Of course, feel free to ask anything that comes to mind. Thanks for the good wishes too. It does help, but it's kind of its own battle. I always feel like shit everytime I have to return to any town or city. Its hard to fight the urge to just walk off into the woods and not return, like a return to form. There's certainly nothing new or original about what I'm doing so I try my best to not give anything more meaning that what it really means. To society, I'm still just a homeless dude and a financial and academic failure, but it's clear that people still value the human experience and one another no matter the situation, especially in a park like this. Being in nature certainly helps me though. There's not so many distractions out there and it's just calming. I've always had a rebellious spirt, so avoiding the norm feels like its what I'm meant to do. I'm finally being myself and trying to learn more about myself at the same time.

@Lostandfound7 Things have been looking up as I move towards my goal of obtaining a job I can travel with. Thanks again for all the kind wishes.

The interview went too well in a way. It was for an auto detailer. In the end, she said I seemed over qualified and asked me if I'd be interested in a sales position if one becomes available. She said it wouldn't disqualify me from the pool of applicants for the detailing position, so there is still hope there. I hope I still get it. The weekly pay would be great for me right now and I kind of feel back to square one.

I feel like ass right now. I stayed up all night chilling with the dude that helped me fix the coolant leak. Offered for me to come over for a bit. I finally got to the stash house around 5 am. I ended up using the last of some shitty coke that I had and a little molly that was just all prepped on a plate. Wanted to just be done with it all but not let it go to waste. I sold part of the molly and traded the rest for a pharmaceutical that I hadn't heard of or tried. I researched it before making the trade and was offered a sample, so I took about 40mg at 9am. They are the 70mg vyvanse pills. If school was in session, I could probably cop 10 a pill from students. It seems to be pretty similar to adderall. After crashing from the shit early in the morning and using that, I just felt sluggish but yet speedy all afternoon. It was pretty terrible. I parked at a local library to do the video interview and then drove back to the park to sleep. Kept waking up drenched or to people at my window asking if I was okay. Burned the space between my index and middle finger by falling asleep with a lit cigarette, I couldn't keep my eyes open even though my heart rate was through the roof. I'm done using stimulants, at this point I'd have to seek them out anyway. The vyvanse is too long acting for my taste, seems like a weird hybrid that falls between amphetamine and methamphetamine. It didn't help me focus, just left me feeling out of it. Probably due to the cocktail thay went up nose and no sleep the night prior. I just wanted something to keep me going through the day but I was too exhausted.

I'm just blank right now after waking up. I'm really thankful for the people here that understand what it's like to just not be satisfied with life. I keep thinking about the times I'm missing with my kids, it's like a nightmare that plagues most waking moments for me. It especially hurts seeing what appear to be happy families, makes me feel like there could have been an alternate time line where my ex and I lived a satisfying life with our children. I keep wondering, if I'm such a piece of shit, why did she have two children with me in a three year span? It just doesn't make sense to me. I don't even feel like I can complain about anything without sounding like a spoiled child. Things don't go your way sometimes, I just have to carry on I guess. It sucks, really bad.

I've found myself eyeballing my charcoal and just wondering if shedding this vessel, this prison, is still my end game. I've spent such a great deal of my life idolizing and fantasizing suicide. I don't have a concrete theory on the afterlife. It feels like a waste of energy. On one hand, science seems to point towards something akin to pre birth, non existence. Then again, science seeks to destroy the ideals of mysticism and spirit. Maybe those things tie into giving things more meaning than what it is, similar to hallucinogens, religious ideals, and love. I'm just fucking lost, trying not to follow. Please be well, I'll likely be around tonight if anyone wants to chat.

I just discovered your thread and I have to say I'm impressed. I'm in a similar situation, kind of lost on this ledge between life and death. Your journal style of posting is refreshing after all the repetitive "I hate my life" type posts. I'll be following your journey as you continue figuring it all out.

 

[SterileMoth]

I hope it all goes well and that the ac doesn't interfere too much. I'm sure this will be a relatively peaceful way to go as well so long as it doesn't get too hot, I hope it is for you anyway. Safe travels man ♡ if you wanna PM till you pass out I'm here, otherwise I hope that you end up in a happier place.

Edit: accidentally hit post too soon ... oops.

 

[Garbage Person]

@SterileMoth It is bringing me comfort. The sound of the ac isn't, but it should help make the coming moments better. It has helped posting here, it helps keep my mind at ease about this and the support with kindness is great too.

@Apathy99 Yeah, I had no idea where I was heading. Glad you enjoyed the song and reading through all the posts. Life here, the human experience is such an odd one. It just became an albatross for me, like I'm just being dragged along yet dragging it along with me. Free will and choices we make for happiness feel like a trick, an illusion. I'm tired of being exploited.

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

Running the ac a bit. I've lost a lot of cloud coverage and the sun has already heated the cabin up quite a bit. There's quite a bit of charcoal, so I'm sure it's going to be an oven. I wish I had stronger pain killers but it's whatever. I mostly just don't want to get a headache. I hope to passed out before my body starts doing all the weird uncomfortable shit. Nitrogen sounds like it's the way to go for a peaceful exit, but it just wasn't feasible.

I respect your decision albeit a bit surprising. We all go through the motions of giving it a second chance. Even a third and fourth. Whatever happens, I wish you have the peace of mind you seek. We're here for you.

 

[Garbage Person]

@CarbonMonoxide Thanks for taking the time to read it. I needed a place to put my thoughts and experiences where others could interact. I also figured it would be refreshing after all the threads asking questions that all the resources here already cover and the occasional "if I jump out of a plane and douse myself in gasoline while swallowing all these poisons and a bag of dicks, will it work" type threads. I hope you find peace whatever conclusions you reach. I would never recommend that someone take their life, it's something we handle on our own.
I'm now in the car with the shit. I'll be here until I'm not. It's hot as fuck. Ac didn't matter one bit.

 

[Good4Nothing]

"if I jump out of a plane and douse myself in gasoline while swallowing all these poisons and a bag of dicks, will it work"

Thanks for the laugh, I needed that today.

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

@CarbonMonoxide Thanks for taking the time to read it. I needed a place to put my thoughts and experiences where others could interact. I also figured it would be refreshing after all the threads asking questions that all the resources here already cover and the occasional "if I jump out of a plane and douse myself in gasoline while swallowing all these poisons and a bag of dicks, will it work" type threads. I hope you find peace whatever conclusions you reach. I would never recommend that someone take their life, it's something we handle on our own.
I'm now in the car with the shit. I'll be here until I'm not. It's hot as fuck. Ac didn't matter one bit.

A bag of dicks. Had me rolling on the ground there. At least you won't describe the final moments as "I'm so cold", right? Anyway keep us posted. That's the way I'd like to go, with my sense of humor intact.

 

[Step40]

I hope your ok @Garbage Person