...and nothing of value was lost.

[kinzokukae]

just read this whole thread, it's really investing seeing you slowly climb out of the hole life's dug for you (: i hope things work out eventually, keep us updated!

 

[Good4Nothing]

He got in his car with the charcoal over 8 hours ago.
I think he may be gone.
@Garbage Person : Are you still there?

 

[Uzera]

Looks like this is the end of my road. I've spent the last several months being a pro at flip flopping on what my plans were. It has been a lifetime of redefining rock bottom, there was always a new low. Had I been asked yesterday, my plan was to live out of my car. Im down to $450. The grim reality is it isn't enough to sustain myself until I can find new work. I'm also uninsured, meaning that I would likely lose my home the first time cops get nosy. That, or they'll just beat me to death, they excel at that these days.

I woke up today and immediately asked myself "what do you want?" It's a question I can't answer anymore. I feel like I've had it all. Over the last week, I kept telling myself to just thrust myself into a difficult situation and let the new found suffering take the wheel. Maybe it would lead to answers or some newfound passion. I still wonder if it would help, but these years prove otherwise. With this fever dream of a year serving as the perfect backdrop to a come apart, I feel absolutely hopeless today. If I run out of that money and can't get by, I'll be left to only terrible methods (drowning, chucking myself under an 18 wheeler, etc.) I'd likely just take a seat by the water and let myself go.

I've made calls to local gun shops to see what my options were for cheap 12 guage shotguns, and it's good. I still have enough that I can go shopping in a few hours, and give myself three days to rest and relax prior to my exit. I'm still sitting here trying to pull all sorts of mental gymnastics to find another line of thought or another way, but I'm just drawing a blank. I'll give some sort of update after I've acquired what I need or if I choose to back down. I just know I could use the support regardless. It has been brutal lately with no real silver lining.

me

I haven't been taking any time to entertain myself with any media lately. I decided to watch something, as I've just hanging out in town tonight outside a laundry mat. I'd highly recommend Waking Life to anyone who hasn't already seen it. Its easily my favorite film and I revisit it every few years. It's visually striking (uses the art of rotoscoping), and serves as great dive into the essence of the human experience, dreams, and the world around us. It's composed mainly as sets of conversations, stories, and poetry. It's excellent, check it out if you're in the mood for such a thing. The themes in the movie are generally more inspiring and thought provoking than the scene posted, but this one keeps with the themes of SS.

Okay so alot of thoughts. First waking life is a favorite of mine such a creepy and moody movie. Have you seen a scanner darkly? It's by the same director and has the same rotoscoped thing I love that stuff. As far as the suicide stuff goes it always hurts when I hear someone whos final push is money/living situation. Ive spent alot of time on the streets and I used to live out of my sleeping bag and busked to get by. It seems from some of the other posts though you already know how to hustle so that's good I guess I know stuff like that can be kind of a grind and it can wear on you but I know sometimes I've had to do it. I wish I could help in a more concrete way. When I was struggling though it seemed like someone would always throw me a rope eventually and it seems like you might of got a little bit of that. I hate to tell people to have faith but sometimes you should I think. I would also think about being honest about you're situation but not in a way that's trying to guilt trip people. If people know you're sleeping in your car they might provide help they wouldn't of otherwise provided but you have to do it in a way that makes you not look desperate. If you come across as trying to make them feel bad or desperate they can get scared and run off but if you look like someone who's trying to make it and making an effort(and not trying to put themselves off on others) people will sometimes offer to help. When I only had a sleeping bag I never really tried to ask for help but alot of people would offer because I wasn't forcing a burden on them and a I was trying to pay my own way. For example if someone knows you're sleeping in your car they might offer to let you park in their yard and take a shower now and then. Yeah acting like that is a little bit of a con but it's not like you're stealing or anything you're just being honest with you're situation. The trick is to not expect anything from it, just be honest. I know at rock bottom it's hard to see the future or want anything. You do have support here from people who do care. Anyways feel free to PM if you want to talk. Be careful out there.

He got in his car with the charcoal over 8 hours ago.
I think he may be gone.
@Garbage Person : Are you still there?

I forgot to the look at the other pages before I replied. For some reason my brain thought it was a new post. Really sad. Even I believe in right to die, it's still fuckin sad.

 

[who doesn't matter]

I hope you are okay buddy.

 

[who doesn't matter]

@Garbage Person, I really hope you are still around. I believe that your life will be back on track.

 

[Lostandfound7]

@Garbage Person pm'd his info (full name, age, city) to me yesterday, so I will confirm his passing this week and inform here..♡

 

[Step40]

@Garbage Person pm'd his info (full name, age, city) to me yesterday, so I will confirm his passing this week and inform here..♡

Thank you. I've been so sad thinking about him.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Thank you. I've been so sad thinking about him.

Ur welcome luv...Yes. Same here...

 

[FreddieQuell]

Very sad. You are and have been an inspiration to me @Garbage Person as I'm sure you've been to many following along with your story. I hope you're still with us but if not I hope you've had a painless and peaceful passing

 

[Goaway]

a tragic story
a tragic story

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

Hi @Lostandfound7. Any information or updates on our brother @Garbage Person

 

[Lostandfound7]

Hi @Lostandfound7. Any information or updates on our brother @Garbage Person

Hey luv..Nope..I checked this morning (FB, local news) and nothing yet...

I'm considering calling a # I saw on FB, but not sure if I should do that...

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

Hey luv..Nope..I checked this morning (FB, local news) and nothing yet...

I'm considering calling a # I saw on FB, but not sure if I should do that...

Thanks for your response. Do what you think is best. If you learn anything, please do share.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Thanks for your response. Do what you think is best. If you learn anything, please do share.

Def will do, love...Checked the # and ironically, it's someone with the exact same name, age, and city/state, but not him:/

Nothing yet in his local news..

 

[who doesn't matter]

Just when we think someone might live through, get over his tough days. His life was about to get better.

 

[Garbage Person]

 

[Lostandfound7]

View attachment 39590

 

[Good4Nothing]

I'm sorry your plan fell through, but I'm glad you're back.

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

View attachment 39590

Glad to have you back @Garbage Person.

 

[Smudgedlines]

Been watching this thread hoping you'd be back

 

[pickajack]

@Garbage Person, sending you support and encouragement.

 

[who doesn't matter]

At least something good happened today.

 

[GravityUtilizer]

Glad you're alive! Is that wrong? You should write your life story. The title of this thread would also make a good book title.

 

[Cupcake]

Glad you're alive! Is that wrong? You should write your life story. The title of this thread would also make a good book title.

Oh my god!! I am so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so happy that you are back!!!!

I read your entire thread, and it was so refreshing to see your writing style and how you journaled everything.

I have to tell you something very special. You will probably think I am crazy, and I guess I am, but you are very, very much a nose!

I'll explain.

When my firstborn daughter came into this world, I was so afraid that she would die or that she was dead because she was so very quiet. I am blind and couldn't see if she was ok just by looking at her.

So, I'd touch her nose to make sure she was ok b/c I didn't want to disturb her peaceful sleep.

When I would touch her sweet, adorable little button nose, beautiful, angelic warm air would wash over my fingers from her tiny, tiny nostrils, and I was instantly reassured that she was ok.

Ever since then, noses have been a very big part of our lives. She is six now, and she calls me Nose and I call her Nose. I also call people who are very special to me a nose, and all my friends call me Nose in return.

You, Garbage Person, are so very much a nose! Despite what you named yourself on here, you are not garbage. You are a nose!

Unless, you don't want to be one. That's ok, too. Noses are never forced on anyone.

But, whether you decide yes or no, you will always have a special place in my heart, nose or no nose.

I love everyone here actually, but your thread really touched me deeply.

Feel free to PM me if you want, I check them pretty much every day. I'd love to get to know you and support you if I can.

Love always,

Your Nose friend

 

[Lostandfound7]

Welcome back, my Love @Garbage Person !!!♡♡♡♡
I can't wait to hear from u!

(I was having the same trouble posting for 2 days also..)

 

[Garbage Person]

Cool, message box is actually working now. So it was obviously a failed attempt. I was starting to feel uneasy and signed off of here that morning. I reclined my seat and just turned up the radio. I'd say I was in there for about 25 minutes or so after signing off based off of how far into Dvorak's 9th. I remember becoming pretty dizzy, and then tired, suddenly didn't care about the heat and felt alright. I was close to passing out and heard a car door. Of all people, it was actually a cop searching for a place to piss. I knew I was too far into it to call it an art project. I opened the door and he asked me "what's this all about", I just said "you know" and honestly just broke down. He said I was lucky he found me, it wasn't a road they patrol, and it was actually pretty well hidden. I'm still shocked that it transpired the way that it did. He called for an ambulance and they took me to the local hospital. They ran pretty much every test you can think of, kept me on oxygen all day, and monitored the CO in my blood until it was at normal levels. Obviously, I was on suicide watch there until they could find a behavioral health unit to send me to. I had to wait there for two days total. I considered making a run for it but had no idea where they stashed my belongings and clothes. I would have just been some loon on the run in a hospital gown and I knew I'd get swarmed by security anyway. They sent me a hospital near St Louis where I spent three days in their BHU. The doc had already prescribed me Citalopram for when I arrived. I had the right to refuse but just said fuck it and took the big pharma dick, maybe it will help.

The unit there was alright I guess, pretty much a waiting room. Apparently Jerry Springer is now a judge for some people's court show, I don't watch much television anymore but that shit made me feel like I really died and woke up in some alternate timeline. Had some wild dreams while I was there, likely thanks to nicotine patches and the new, sterile, and bizarre environment I ended up in. At least it was better than being out in the heat. Three meals a day, a brief daily video chat with the doc, and mostly just tv and laying in bed while waiting to be discharged. Only spent three days there. For their privacy, I won't mention the other people in the unit. They all had problems of their own, many weren't high functioning. I missed this place and the people I've met recently while I was there. It was lonely and gave me some time to reflect on things.

Got a ride back into town that was organized by the BHU. Luckily got accepted into a crisis center which is where I'm staying now. The counselors and case workers here are fucking awesome. They're taking my wants and needs seriously and I'm able to discuss the same things I have here with like minded people that also have rough experiences, suicide attempts, and morbid fascinations.

Talking to them has really made me want to go to school for something related to all this so I can possibly help others in the future. Almost everyone I've interacted with, from the cop, the emts, nurses, and even the person I met from CO have all admitted to either attempting or contemplating suicide. We're all very alone, and some are completely miserable. I'll always be pro choice, I'll likely always romanticize suicide, but I really want to be there for others that feel just as alone as I have. I also don't want to sow the seed of suicide in my children. Even if they're raised to think I'm garbage, maybe someday they'll realize that I'm not or that I'm just as garbage as anyone else. Im ever changing and I have no idea what the future really holds but I know I want to try. I'm sure there are rough waters ahead for us all, but I definitely want to give this another shot.
@kinzokukae Thanks for that. I would have been under the assumption that I was permanently in a hole when this was posted. I'm very thankful to come back to the support, it means a lot.

@Uzera I absolutely love A Scanner Darkly as well, another great movie. I wish there were films that used this style, it's really appealing and unique. No need for sadness friend, all is well for now. Glad to meet someone else who has the experience and knowledge of how that lifestyle works. Ivery always tried to be independent to a point that it crushed me. I had to reach out for help eventually.

@FreddieQuell Glad you're still here man, I'm also glad you've enjoyed the thread. It helps to know people read it and get something out of it.

@Lostandfound7 Glad to be back and I can't thank you enough for looking into all this while I was gone. Looks like I put my trust in the right person on that, I appreciate it. You're fucking awesome.

@Vinay4853 Thanks for all your kind words, it always cheers me up a bit and I'm happy to see you sticking with me.

@Cupcake I will gladly accept the offer to be a nose. This was the cutest story I've read in a long time and seriously warmed my heart. I'm always around as well if you need an ear and I'll definitely shoot you a pm at some point soon, as I'd love to keep in touch as well.

@GravityUtilizer It's not bad at all, I'm happy to be here for once. I missed the hell out of this place and everyone while I was on watch, it sucked so hard.

@pickajack Thanks a bunch for the encouragement friend, it means more than could ever be apparent by words on a screen.

@Smudgedlines Thanks! I hope to continue to update daily though I expect the coming days to be far less entertaining than the last few weeks.

@CarbonMonoxide Thanks a bunch, it's good to be back. Not being able to post yesterday was stressful.

@Good4Nothing You're good for something here, any support is good support. Glad to be here at the moment.

@Step40 I'll definitely be around and keeping in touch with you if you'd like that, I know I look forward to hearing from you.

You're all amazing people. I'm happy that all of our paths have crossed here in this corner of the net. I'll continue posting as long as people actually want to read it. As I stated before, I don't expect this week to be exciting and I doubt I'll be randomly killing myself again, but who knows anymore lol. I do have higher hopes since I have some goals in mind, I just need to gain the momentum I've always lacked. I love you people and I couldn't be more thankful right now.

 

[Cupcake]

Cool, message box is actually working now. So it was obviously a failed attempt. I was starting to feel uneasy and signed off of here that morning. I reclined my seat and just turned up the radio. I'd say I was in there for about 25 minutes or so after signing off based off of how far into Dvorak's 9th. I remember becoming pretty dizzy, and then tired, suddenly didn't care about the heat and felt alright. I was close to passing out and heard a car door. Of all people, it was actually a cop searching for a place to piss. I knew I was too far into it to call it an art project. I opened the door and he asked me "what's this all about", I just said "you know" and honestly just broke down. He said I was lucky he found me, it wasn't a road they patrol, and it was actually pretty well hidden. I'm still shocked that it transpired the way that it did. He called for an ambulance and they took me to the local hospital. They ran pretty much every test you can think of, kept me on oxygen all day, and monitored the CO in my blood until it was at normal levels. Obviously, I was on suicide watch there until they could find a behavioral health unit to send me to. I had to wait there for two days total. I considered making a run for it but had no idea where they stashed my belongings and clothes. I would have just been some loon on the run in a hospital gown and I knew I'd get swarmed by security anyway. They sent me a hospital near St Louis where I spent three days in their BHU. The doc had already prescribed me Citalopram for when I arrived. I had the right to refuse but just said fuck it and took the big pharma dick, maybe it will help.

The unit there was alright I guess, pretty much a waiting room. Apparently Jerry Springer is now a judge for some people's court show, I don't watch much television anymore but that shit made me feel like I really died and woke up in some alternate timeline. Had some wild dreams while I was there, likely thanks to nicotine patches and the new, sterile, and bizarre environment I ended up in. At least it was better than being out in the heat. Three meals a day, a brief daily video chat with the doc, and mostly just tv and laying in bed while waiting to be discharged. Only spent three days there. For their privacy, I won't mention the other people in the unit. They all had problems of their own, many weren't high functioning. I missed this place and the people I've met recently while I was there. It was lonely and gave me some time to reflect on things.

Got a ride back into town that was organized by the BHU. Luckily got accepted into a crisis center which is where I'm staying now. The counselors and case workers here are fucking awesome. They're taking my wants and needs seriously and I'm able to discuss the same things I have here with like minded people that also have rough experiences, suicide attempts, and morbid fascinations.

Talking to them has really made me want to go to school for something related to all this so I can possibly help others in the future. Almost everyone I've interacted with, from the cop, the emts, nurses, and even the person I met from CO have all admitted to either attempting or contemplating suicide. We're all very alone, and some are completely miserable. I'll always be pro choice, I'll likely always romanticize suicide, but I really want to be there for others that feel just as alone as I have. I also don't want to sow the seed of suicide in my children. Even if they're raised to think I'm garbage, maybe someday they'll realize that I'm not or that I'm just as garbage as anyone else. Im ever changing and I have no idea what the future really holds but I know I want to try. I'm sure there are rough waters ahead for us all, but I definitely want to give this another shot.
@kinzokukae Thanks for that. I would have been under the assumption that I was permanently in a hole when this was posted. I'm very thankful to come back to the support, it means a lot.

@Uzera I absolutely love A Scanner Darkly as well, another great movie. I wish there were films that used this style, it's really appealing and unique. No need for sadness friend, all is well for now. Glad to meet someone else who has the experience and knowledge of how that lifestyle works. Ivery always tried to be independent to a point that it crushed me. I had to reach out for help eventually.

@FreddieQuell Glad you're still here man, I'm also glad you've enjoyed the thread. It helps to know people read it and get something out of it.

@Lostandfound7 Glad to be back and I can't thank you enough for looking into all this while I was gone. Looks like I put my trust in the right person on that, I appreciate it. You're fucking awesome.

@Vinay4853 Thanks for all your kind words, it always cheers me up a bit and I'm happy to see you sticking with me.

@Cupcake I will gladly accept the offer to be a nose. This was the cutest story I've read in a long time and seriously warmed my heart. I'm always around as well if you need an ear and I'll definitely shoot you a pm at some point soon, as I'd love to keep in touch as well.

@GravityUtilizer It's not bad at all, I'm happy to be here for once. I missed the hell out of this place and everyone while I was on watch, it sucked so hard.

@pickajack Thanks a bunch for the encouragement friend, it means more than could ever be apparent by words on a screen.

@Smudgedlines Thanks! I hope to continue to update daily though I expect the coming days to be far less entertaining than the last few weeks.

@CarbonMonoxide Thanks a bunch, it's good to be back. Not being able to post yesterday was stressful.

@Good4Nothing You're good for something here, any support is good support. Glad to be here at the moment.

@Step40 I'll definitely be around and keeping in touch with you if you'd like that, I know I look forward to hearing from you.

You're all amazing people. I'm happy that all of our paths have crossed here in this corner of the net. I'll continue posting as long as people actually want to read it. As I stated before, I don't expect this week to be exciting and I doubt I'll be randomly killing myself again, but who knows anymore lol. I do have higher hopes since I have some goals in mind, I just need to gain the momentum I've always lacked. I love you people and I couldn't be more thankful right now.

Nose! Nose! NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so glad you posted. I was wondering why you hadn't posted in a while. I was really afraid that you had some sort of brain damage from the carbon monoxide and weren't able to post anymore.

So glad to hear that's not the case. I'm also so glad that you are in a good place right now and are with awesome people, out of the heat, and able to eat three meals a day.

When I was in the psych ward for my bipolar disorder issues, I ate a lot of chocolate pudding snacks. If they have those there and you like chocolate, eat one and think of me and touch your nose! I'll be eating it right there with you in spirit. You are never alone, I kept thinking of you, even after we all thought you were a goner.

And, I'm so glad that you accept my offer to be a nose! The more, the merrier!

I, too, almost decided to leave last week. I even posted a maybe good-bye thread here, but ended up getting distracted by a friend in real life and broke my fast and then just haven't been able to get back into the mode of CTB so strongly after that, so I'm still here, and I'm glad. For now, anyway.

Yes, please keep posting! I love to read what's going on with you in your life. I really do hope you can go to school to learn how to help and support people who are suffering. You'll be really good at it b/c you know what it's like to experience wanting to end it and what suffering is like.

Well Nose, I don't want to write a novel, but I really am glad you posted. Please just take it a day at a time and enjoy having a place to stay as much as you can.

We're always here for you, and it's great for you to post, even if it isn't "entertaining" as you say. We don't need to be entertained, it's just nice to know how you are.

I love you Nose! Keep on fighting! You are strong!

Love always,

The Bridge Of Your Nose!

 

[Lostandfound7]

I have absolutely no words for u right now...I really don't...overwhelmed with joy..

All I can say is ur FUCKIN' AMAZING and u will b such a blessing to many others..

Giving u a great BIG (((((((((HUG))))))) and KISS!!!!XOXOXOXO...I fuckin love u, bro♡

 

[Garbage Person]

@Cupcake I can already say that I'd miss you dearly if you depart from this plane of existence. There are pudding cups here and I will definitely be thinking of you and booping my snoot the next time I indulge. I'll be sure to keep posting, even if comes down to just us in the thread. I'm actually really glad I didn't end up with brain damage. I was super paranoid when they did the brain ct scan. I got complemented on my veins as usual, that's always nice. Phlebotomists love me. I always tell them to have fun, I'm a pin cushion. I'm an odd one that actually likes the sensation of needles. Anyway, I'll definitely keep in touch with you through pm and this thread as well, going to get some rest. I love you dearly nose!

 

[Disco Biscuit]

I'm so glad you're ok. I came to the thread late but I feel really invested in your story and recovery now. You come across as such a smart, kind and self-aware person. How is life at the crisis centre?