Permanoir
Student
- Dec 29, 2024
- 144
This post is scheduled as stated above, and if you are seeing this, then I was most probably successful with ending my life.
I'm writing this one day before my attempt, which happens 31/08/2025. I want to tell a bit of my story and why I chose this path and not any other. I was born in a third world country, and even if my family and I didn't have much, we managed to survive and life was okay for the most part. I was assigned female at birth and raised as a girl, and when the time came to join high school, I went to a girls' high school. Life was pretty normal, but it wasn't long before I discovered that I was intersex and that I wasn't even a girl at all (which happened a bit later). I had had my suspicions since around 13 (after googling what the word "intersex" means), but I dismissed them because I thought, "There's no way I'm not a girl if I was assigned one at birth, right?" And I told myself that even if I were intersex, then I would be at least one that leans more toward being female. I believed that I was a girl because everyone who knew me saw me as one, but I found it strange that those who didn't know me always assumed that I am a boy. I then had an identity crisis when I was in the girls' high school, caused by so much confusion, and this was when I first had suicidal thoughts—thoughts that never left my mind from then on. I made several attempts at taking my own life, but they were non-lethal. I changed schools, even going to one where I assumed a male identity, but they all didn't work out. After some medical examinations at 16, I found out for sure that I'm intersex and that I have XY chromosomes. I then moved to another country, taking my suicidal thoughts with me, and I now live as a boy. One might wonder how I survived these 4 years that I've known that I'm intersex, but I wouldn't say that I did, because the truth is that I've just lived by postponing the inevitable, knowing that I wanted to die all along. My family didn't do much to give me the support I needed, but I can't blame them because they were blind, as I was, to the challenges I was facing. They tried their best. I've lived four years of my life in utter confusion, darkness, but most importantly: lies. This is because I came to realize (very recently, actually) that my whole life was built on a wrong blueprint (being assigned female at birth), and maybe there wasn't much that could have been done for my life to feel bearable, even though it wasn't ever going to be normal. I feel fragmented, and I know that it would take so much time and energy to build myself up to what I would want to be. I have completely lost the desire to live this life. I have ruined so many aspects of my life, and it's only now that I can clearly see the cards that I was dealt after playing them poorly for a long time. I feel confident in the clarity I have now, knowing that the decision I'm making is fully mine, and the peace of mind that has come with it is inexplicable. I feel so alien and so wrong living in such a world where most people are male or female and where my issue is invisible. I have intentionally left out some parts of the story, such as how I feel about my family's grief, the point at which I discovered this site, and if I have tried any recovery methods such as therapy and medication.
I'll be using SN with some weak antiemetics because my Meto was stopped at the customs, and without benzos, but I don't want to talk about the method because it doesn't matter that much.
I want to finish by thanking this wonderful community for existing, because I wouldn't have found my method without it. I cherished the time we talked @complex. Thank you, everyone else, for reading. And I'm sorry if the tenses are weird, because you are seeing this a month from now and I'm writing from the present lol.
I hope that wherever I am going, I find the peace that I couldn't find in this world.
I'm writing this one day before my attempt, which happens 31/08/2025. I want to tell a bit of my story and why I chose this path and not any other. I was born in a third world country, and even if my family and I didn't have much, we managed to survive and life was okay for the most part. I was assigned female at birth and raised as a girl, and when the time came to join high school, I went to a girls' high school. Life was pretty normal, but it wasn't long before I discovered that I was intersex and that I wasn't even a girl at all (which happened a bit later). I had had my suspicions since around 13 (after googling what the word "intersex" means), but I dismissed them because I thought, "There's no way I'm not a girl if I was assigned one at birth, right?" And I told myself that even if I were intersex, then I would be at least one that leans more toward being female. I believed that I was a girl because everyone who knew me saw me as one, but I found it strange that those who didn't know me always assumed that I am a boy. I then had an identity crisis when I was in the girls' high school, caused by so much confusion, and this was when I first had suicidal thoughts—thoughts that never left my mind from then on. I made several attempts at taking my own life, but they were non-lethal. I changed schools, even going to one where I assumed a male identity, but they all didn't work out. After some medical examinations at 16, I found out for sure that I'm intersex and that I have XY chromosomes. I then moved to another country, taking my suicidal thoughts with me, and I now live as a boy. One might wonder how I survived these 4 years that I've known that I'm intersex, but I wouldn't say that I did, because the truth is that I've just lived by postponing the inevitable, knowing that I wanted to die all along. My family didn't do much to give me the support I needed, but I can't blame them because they were blind, as I was, to the challenges I was facing. They tried their best. I've lived four years of my life in utter confusion, darkness, but most importantly: lies. This is because I came to realize (very recently, actually) that my whole life was built on a wrong blueprint (being assigned female at birth), and maybe there wasn't much that could have been done for my life to feel bearable, even though it wasn't ever going to be normal. I feel fragmented, and I know that it would take so much time and energy to build myself up to what I would want to be. I have completely lost the desire to live this life. I have ruined so many aspects of my life, and it's only now that I can clearly see the cards that I was dealt after playing them poorly for a long time. I feel confident in the clarity I have now, knowing that the decision I'm making is fully mine, and the peace of mind that has come with it is inexplicable. I feel so alien and so wrong living in such a world where most people are male or female and where my issue is invisible. I have intentionally left out some parts of the story, such as how I feel about my family's grief, the point at which I discovered this site, and if I have tried any recovery methods such as therapy and medication.
I'll be using SN with some weak antiemetics because my Meto was stopped at the customs, and without benzos, but I don't want to talk about the method because it doesn't matter that much.
I want to finish by thanking this wonderful community for existing, because I wouldn't have found my method without it. I cherished the time we talked @complex. Thank you, everyone else, for reading. And I'm sorry if the tenses are weird, because you are seeing this a month from now and I'm writing from the present lol.
I hope that wherever I am going, I find the peace that I couldn't find in this world.
im sorry that you were pushed into ctb so young due to the unfairness and suffering in your life.
at the very point as i had before. I was stupidly also hoping what we had worked through last time would prevent u ending up in this place and that it would ease off and our forward planning wld come into fruit. I know just dreamy thinking as i to plan to leave and no one and nothing will stop me when the right time arrives. I just hope u knew what i had said was true even if u chose to not fight on what I said was true u are all I said!!! 
️ I hope you have found peace 
