Story am I just selfish ?

[Oceandeath2014]

hey all , I'm new and wanted to share a summary of my story. I'm a young woman from the US. In my childhood, I was constantly verbally and emotionally abused . My forced isolation and Inability to catch a break or get help has caused me to become permanently suicidal. I essentially had to accept my fate, which meant I was so broken down that I lost my identity. Now that things are getting better for me (have first serious relationship, finally trying new things, opportunity for travel) , I thought I'd begin to feel better. I've worked a lot in therapy and have become a better person. But despite all of this , therapy hardly helps with my constant negative thoughts about myself and how im perceived. I experience extreme jealousy About others being prettier than me , having happier relationships, being more talented , etc. I don't have any close friends because of it. I feel bad for not appreciating what I have now. People have told me that I'm attractive and what have you but it never seems to matter. All the words my parents called me are inside of my soul. I can't get over this… I can't take not being adequate… does anyone else relate ? I feel selfish wanting to die when people have things so much worse than I do. I often say my energy is all used up , and now I'm permanently tired and have to sleep forever.

another thing , if anyone wants to chat I'd be open to it because I really don't have much support on this topic , and I can offer my support to you. Thanks.

 

[Al Cappella]

First, welcome to the forums, we're happy to have you, but sorry your situation brought you hear. Yes, I can relate to your story. In my case, being male, it wasn't about looks, it was about intelligence and capability. I was told, frequently, and generally made to feel, that I was incompetent and stupid. To this day the fallout from that remains, I never got over it. I'm not really jealous much, but do wish I could feel what it's like to be confident in that are, never mind successful. Oh well. It'd be easier to pretend I'm a unicorn that can shit rainbows…

Edit: no, you're not selfish

 

[whywere]

HI!! You and I are twins, as so far, as my "parents" wee horrible humans. I have told this on here lots of times, so I will just say that they called me "the mistake" and kicked me out at 18 and never heard from them again, 100% their choice. When they passed on, they left my younger sister a hobby farm and cash, my older brother got 4 million U.S. dollars and I got ZERO.

I totally agree with @Al Cappella that you are NOT selfish one iota. You are a thoughtful, kind and caring soul, your words speak volumes about this.

I am 66, reference point for this post, and it still affects me as to how my "parents" treated me back in the 1960's and early 70's. I never have gotten over it, and probably never will.

BUT you, same as I, have all the loving, caring and so, so kind folks here on SS and I consider this aspect a true blessing.

Sending you lots of huge hugs, and lots and lots of caring, as you are a good friend with a huge heart.

Have a great rest of this week,

Walter

 

[FuneralCry]

There is nothing selfish about suicide at all, we all have the right to exit this world at a time of our own choosing and it is a personal decision when to leave this world. No one needs to justify their reasons for leaving anyway. I'm sorry that you suffer so much, I also feel so tired, the kind of tired that no amount of sleep could ever take away. I just want the peace that death brings. I wish you the best in whatever happens and I hope that you find relief from your suffering.

 

[Rational man]

Yes i can relate. We dont choose parents but they can destroy us..My narcissistic family destroyed me. I never.felt.beautiful inside though friends said i was a really good looking guy but i didn't understand.. Being beautiful means nothing but being beautiful in the heart means everything. I found LOVE and it lasted.a.few.Years. During that time, i felt amazing, that i could share my body and soul with another man. My parent's never could love each other. Of course, im dying now at 36 so life will end. I just wanted to say that you may consider forgiveness for you and others. Be kind to you because you sound like a beautiful person inside too.