Help Am I even suicidal?

[distintivocorazon]

I need help getting over guilt & SI. In my first post, I exaplained how I had courage before my moms preganacy but now I feel like I can't kill myself. I'm genuinely tired of living and I haven't found myself to have a peaceful day without either having an anxiety attack or a drastic mood change that just makes a negative toll on everything I do. My mood changes and I cannot eat, sleep, nothing. I feel guilty speaking about suicide because I grew up heavily religious & the concept of me "going to hell" after death keeps me up at night. 3 days ago was supposed to be the day, I felt ready and all. I didn't have an ideal plan, I had a more just do it and get it over with kind of thing.

I planned out everything that day. I callled my dad after months of no communication which ended in a crying fest. Then, I called my bestfriend and spoke with her. We joked about the plan but I was genuine. When she had left to the bathroom, still on the phone, I thought about hanging myself to this this that's in my closet but it wasn't sturdy enough. Then I thought about other possible ways but it's like any time I think or try either the guilt stops me or survival instinct kicks in. I don't know what to do & because of my anxiety I think too much about what'll happen before and after. Looking back on this now, I don't know if I would be valid enough to call myself suicidal if I can't even attempt to CTB properly and it fucking hurts.

 

[Little_Suzy]

Suicidal ideations. Talk to your therapist to rule out medication side effects, or try journaling your mood swings to identify the triggers.

Suicidal ideation is distressing, especially when misunderstood. Especially if you don't want to die by your own hands but keep having visions of your own death, which is presented as the only way to end your pain. SaSu provides a safe space for people to explore their passive and active suicidal emotions.

Suicide - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

 

[distintivocorazon]

Suicidal ideations. Talk to your therapist to rule out medication side effects, or try journaling your mood swings to identify the triggers.

Suicidal ideation is distressing, especially when misunderstood. Especially if you don't want to die by your own hands but keep having visions of your own death, which is presented as the only way to end your pain. SaSu provides a safe space for people to explore their passive and active suicidal emotions.

Suicide - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

Thank you, I'll look into this. I haven't / am told not to do journaling anymore by my therapist because it triggers me ? But regardless of that I'll read into that.