I have been alone grandmother's passing. She died of liver cancer, our family found out when it was already in its final stages.
She was the matriarch of my life and effectively assumed the role both my parents opted out of. My parents divorced early, she nursed me as a baby. And if I was in either parents' custody, I'd always be taken care of by her. She was the model of how I wanted to be. Strong, witty, doesn't take anyone's bs, tender, sympathetic and someone who came out of a war torn country with nothing and somehow took care of 4 children and did well for herself with little she had. Nothing short of amazing.
I grew up with a poor idea of what love was, I asked if my own mom loved me at a young age since she would not come for me during her custody weekend. My dad dated a woman who hated me, even though she was the one that came between my parents and I was a reminder of what was there before. The woman cursed me, beat me, almost outright hacked me into pieces with kitchen knife (police came). I always took these things like it was my fault, somethings wrong with me--it must be. I didn't like myself and thought someone else could make a better me.
People didn't trust me after the police incident. Only my grandma would have me. Any time when my life was unstable or I just wanted to hang out n talk about old person stuff, I could be there and it would be okay. When I got around 20 years old she joked I'd go my own way like her son. But I visited her every week, when she sold her house, lived an apartment and lived in an assisted living home. It was good to be someplace with someone who was a kindred soul. Someone who loved me despite everything.
When she passed, my dad told me the wrong day. I went to where the funeral was to be. But nobody was there. I called my dad, then he said "sorry it was canceled, I'll tell you the day". That day never came and I never went. I always feel left behind, I always take a back seat in my parents' book. And robbing me of the funeral was that final message was that I was and will be alone from then on. Even if I reminded myself she'd not always be around, I don't think I'd ever be prepared for this loss.
I have not been able to hold a job, I can't be close to anyone and no one will be close to me. I have great friends and coworkers, but when I'm with them I feel further isolated and alien. I don't belong, even if I can pretend. I ruined my love because of my abandonment issues, drove them away. I don't know what it's like to have a good kind of love and I don't think I can learn. I believe no one wants to do anything with me, after I've attempted suicide 3 times, not that I blame them. I don't hate anyone for what they did or didn't do to me, they cannot help who they are just as I can't help who I am. Things aren't always black and white, good people do bad, bad people do good. Everyone just lives and they go. I'm an inconsolable wretch. I'm alone.
I used to wish to see tomorrow, not anymore.
She was the matriarch of my life and effectively assumed the role both my parents opted out of. My parents divorced early, she nursed me as a baby. And if I was in either parents' custody, I'd always be taken care of by her. She was the model of how I wanted to be. Strong, witty, doesn't take anyone's bs, tender, sympathetic and someone who came out of a war torn country with nothing and somehow took care of 4 children and did well for herself with little she had. Nothing short of amazing.
I grew up with a poor idea of what love was, I asked if my own mom loved me at a young age since she would not come for me during her custody weekend. My dad dated a woman who hated me, even though she was the one that came between my parents and I was a reminder of what was there before. The woman cursed me, beat me, almost outright hacked me into pieces with kitchen knife (police came). I always took these things like it was my fault, somethings wrong with me--it must be. I didn't like myself and thought someone else could make a better me.
People didn't trust me after the police incident. Only my grandma would have me. Any time when my life was unstable or I just wanted to hang out n talk about old person stuff, I could be there and it would be okay. When I got around 20 years old she joked I'd go my own way like her son. But I visited her every week, when she sold her house, lived an apartment and lived in an assisted living home. It was good to be someplace with someone who was a kindred soul. Someone who loved me despite everything.
When she passed, my dad told me the wrong day. I went to where the funeral was to be. But nobody was there. I called my dad, then he said "sorry it was canceled, I'll tell you the day". That day never came and I never went. I always feel left behind, I always take a back seat in my parents' book. And robbing me of the funeral was that final message was that I was and will be alone from then on. Even if I reminded myself she'd not always be around, I don't think I'd ever be prepared for this loss.
I have not been able to hold a job, I can't be close to anyone and no one will be close to me. I have great friends and coworkers, but when I'm with them I feel further isolated and alien. I don't belong, even if I can pretend. I ruined my love because of my abandonment issues, drove them away. I don't know what it's like to have a good kind of love and I don't think I can learn. I believe no one wants to do anything with me, after I've attempted suicide 3 times, not that I blame them. I don't hate anyone for what they did or didn't do to me, they cannot help who they are just as I can't help who I am. Things aren't always black and white, good people do bad, bad people do good. Everyone just lives and they go. I'm an inconsolable wretch. I'm alone.
I used to wish to see tomorrow, not anymore.
