Venting I miss being loved so much

[loweroneseyes]

I really miss my ex before I fucked our shit up and she left me. I rationalized that something like this was bound to happen anyway, but. I don't know. I really wanted it to work out.
It's not like I was never unhappy. It's just that I wasn't alone. I still had friends. I could always go to my ex. When I was sad, happy, and so on. I can still go to the few friends I have left now, but I don't want to.

I don't know what she's up to now. To try to move on, I tell myself she's probably already seeing someone else. If she still wanted me, she would have came back for me.

I guess I wanted her to save me. I wanted to be her number one, because she was mine. I got paranoid because it seemed she loved everyone else in the room but me. I don't know if it was true because my actions made it true, or not. I feel like I'm running in circles trying to process the night everything happened. It's so painful.

I guess the relationship was my first love. For the first 5 months, I had one foot out the door. I tried not to love her too much because I was scared of being hurt, but at the same time I felt as though I had been with her forever. At some point, I realized how much I had fallen for her, grew afraid, and just as quickly, she ended things.

The night shit went down in the midst of our friends was traumatizing for both of us. I don't really think there was anything I could have done to stop it. We didn't argue, or fight. I just woke up and I knew it was over. I couldn't help her while she was going through something traumatic, and she couldn't help me.

We used to cuddle so much, be intimate and so on. She was so, so pretty. She would hug me in her sleep, and she always asked me to massage her back or run my fingers through her hair. She would talk all the time about her fantasies of us living together.

She told me once that she wished she met me years earlier. That we could have kept each other company, and then I had felt I had been waiting for her my whole life. But, she doesn't love me romantically anymore. As soon as I knew what was wrong, I would have tried so hard. But it was already over for her. I wasn't good enough. She didn't want to stay with me.

I couldn't stay friends. I couldn't bear it. I kept my cards open and I told her that. It's killing me that I know she isn't coming back. It's been four months since that day.

Because I miss the intimacy the most, I guess I could be with someone else. But I miss feeling like I was with "the one". Someone who got me, who I thought I could open myself up to completely, who I could enjoy being alive with. I was happy for a while. I've never spent Valentine's Day with someone. We weren't even together for a year. It kills me.

I ended up cutting away from my closest friends because of this. I have acquaintances, friends, but nothing compares. It's all surface level, and I won't go any further. I feel like a corpse already.
I have a few real life friends. They are people I enjoy being with, yet all are in that infuriating stage of "I will never go to them for help". So, I'm lonely.

I feel as though what little positive progress I had made, those glimmers of hope I had seen in the future, had been destroyed.

I don't really want to give up yet. I'm 19 and I don't doubt that someone else will come along. But I am damaged, enough to make me unlovable. I don't want to find someone else. I want to be with them. But, that's not happening.

Before, even if I got abused by my family, even if things got so painful I wanted to die, even if I seemingly had nothing ahead of me, "at least I had her". There was a few times they were physically next to me after one such instance, and sat with me in silence while I curled up into a ball. If someone could still like me even through that, I thought it could have lasted at least a little longer. Now it's just me and my family, every day the same as the last, having lost what was important to me.

The loneliness really is a killer. I cried and screamed when I was alone in the house, but no one could hear me. Can't scream anymore because people are home. My friends don't check on me, I've always felt like a bother whenever I initiated those sorts of talks anyways. My feelings are pointless.

I fear that the rest of my life will be me repeating this loop, getting my hopes up that maybe, just maybe this time will be better -- only to be inflicted with some new anguish to relive over and over, on top of the old ones. I don't want to love again if it's just gonna be like that. I don't want to *live* like that.

Even though every year of my conscious life has been filled with so much pain that I don't know what to do with myself, I still haven't given up on my dreams. The things I hope for, things I work on. Things I have to do before I decide to say I'm done. But all that is a hope, and I fear that I may end up being driven to ctb whether I really wanted to do it or not. It's just a matter of how long I can keep swimming.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Relatable. I'm sorry for your suffering. First few breakups are really rough, plus you had family problems like me, so they were the only person who made things better at the time.

 

[FakeSmileGuy]

I get how you feel man. Heartbreak is scary. I'm 18, I have a girlfriend now, but we only have a few weeks to spend with each other. We can't spend the summer together and she has to go live far away right after that.

I truly love her, I love to kiss her and hold her and touch her beautiful hair, but I'm so damn afraid of losing her. There is gonna be a lot of distance between us for a very long time and I'm scared she'll lose feelings. I'm scared that I won't be strong enough to do long distance. I'm scared of breaking her heart. Scared of mine breaking.

I'm young, and I know the chances of us staying together are slim. No matter how hard we try, I know that it won't be the same once she's gone. No matter how much we text I won't be able to feel her soft curls, look into her brown eyes, hold her hand. I know we will break up. But I don't want it to happen.

I'm so damn scared of life without her. She is everything. I didn't know what love was before I met her. I've never known love like this, I don't think I'm ready for the pain when we break up.

I'm sorry you had to deal with this pain. I'm so scared of it. I didn't know love could be so beautiful and so cruel. I hope you find another love. With time I believe you will find someone just as special as her.

Also, I get how it feels when your friends aren't enough. It's truly painful to not have someone to talk to. I'm not happy with the fact that the only place I can talk about this is SS, but at least I have a place to say something.

Sorry about the rant. I needed to let it out :(

 

[escape_from_hell]

Relate to a lot of what you say.
Especially foot out the door being afraid of being hurt. Two long term relationships had sapped my trust and joy and I thought I could shield myself. Really loved my last girlfriend of seven years, but those prior experiences brought me so much doubt and anxiety. And I fucked up the best thing in my life by moving away thinking it would end anyway. Self-fulfilling prophecy.

Miserable now and see how irreplaceable it was. Crying nearly two hours out of every day for two years now and fighting demons and addictions. No such loss from the others. Because they did not become my family despite a lot of time wasted. And then I left the real family I built from my own anxiety, doubts, poor decision making.

There's that beautiful 'free will' everyone preaches about and loves. Some of us are too dumb for such a gift, it is self-destructive in our incapable hands. And it is the vehicle which makes me 'deserve' the inevitable misery and hopefully soon enough death.

You're only 19 so take advantage of the energy you may have. I'm twice your age and the will is drying out. You can rebuild.
The hard part is differentiating what is legit. What to pour your efforts, love, and soul into because there are many vampires and bottomless pit humans in this world, friends and lovers alike. That wisdom comes too late for some of us dummies it seems, a cruel joke.

 

[Rational man]

You echo the feelings that so many of us have experienced; in the name of love. This rollercoaster ride we call love is obviously full of highs and lows and for me, time was the penultimate healer after a brutal breakup. Raw emotions gave way to acceptance and the realisation that new people will come into our lives if we allow it. Unfortunately, im sick now so I have just one or two friends.

 

[Clowndollie]

I feel this. He was truly the one for me and I'm scared I'll never find something like that again. Even though he hurt me a lot, I still don't want it any other way.