I took the meto earlier today. I was going to take the sn an hour later but I fell asleep. I had it measured out in a cup next to my bed when I was ready. When I woke up my roommate shaking me awake and asking me if I took any. I told them the night before that I was thinking of taking it, maybe that was my fault. I just felt so alone, but even after telling the I still felt alone. When they went out I was going to take it it's gone now. I don't think they threw it away, they said they didn't but they took it away somewhere. Maybe that's my fault. I just feel so restless, I want to die so badly. Anyways I don't know what I want maybe I should order some more again I can jump off my apartment rooftop it's a high rise but I'm terrified of heights. I don't know what to do now.
Anyways here's a rant I wrote earlier today if anyone's interested:
Ppl say I'm cold I am. I opened up to a few ppl in my life but it's always just meh in the end. In the end maybe I'm too cold. It's to protect myself. Let yourself be sad and move on. Don't be numb feel. If only I could. I want to drive myself up a wall and come back down and be happy. They don't understand me. How sick I am. I'm so sick and I can't find the cure. I found smth, maybe it's the antidote maybe it's something more. I can't wait to lay down forever. I'm so fucking tired of everything. Let the world burn but in the end it's just me burning. I wish to fade into the abyss. I stare at the sky and I feel calm. I see the lights of the city. That's what a pretty view does to you. I want to die loookg at it. I'm so insane actually what's wrong with me. But the same time like can I get betters what's the point. I'm going to die in the end what time does it matter. I have thing working out kinda for me what's wrong. I'm so ungrateful. I'll never be happy. I want to read the letters again and be reminded when I was happy. I want to collapse and jsut pretend I'm dead. What's the point what's the point. Maybe if I die now I won't have to pretend to care anymore. I won't have to try everyday to be happy. It never works but I try or recently I have been. I'm filled with nothing but sorrow. What do I did what do I do. I'm nothing. No one ever. If I can see it, feel it. I wish I don't know anymore. I wish I can go away a forever. I have plans the next two days. I have a life kinda. Money isn't necessarily an issue, maybe it's lack of passion. I can change job I can do so much but I can't escape. I can't I can't i can't no matter what I change I do I can't change myself I'm too stubborn. What do I want. I want the night to never end. Everlasting night. I want to be at peace. I remember listing to music in my car wanting to die. I remember wanting it so badly. This is a simailr feeling. Trying to hard to feel happy and you are happy almost, but it never leaves my mind and it's calling me and it gets stronger and quieter and I wish I wasn't so weak and I wish a lot of things but no matter what I'll jsut be dead in the end. Yeah it doesn't matter I jsut wanna be happy stop everything everything everything what's the fucking point. Let me die god smite me here. Give me peace. I only believe in you when I'm happy where are you now. It's so loud at night. I like it but Jesus. I can't sleep like this. Maybe I can maybe I'll jsut get sick. Go to the hospital go home kill yourself. Be happy and happy and happy. I'm not high or drunk rn I wish I was. I'm completely sober jsut running off of idk sleep deprivation and anxiety and hate. I'm filled with hate and fear and this overwhelming numbness that threatens to consume me. That is and has been consuming me. Do I want to feel numb, it's all I am it's all I've been. Numb and angry my main emotions. Let me be numb anger fuels me numbness smooths me in the end I jsut want it to all be quiet. I keep replaying songs words famine things in my head, I don't know why. Should I do it. Why not am I right. What do I have tomorrow or the next day or next month or next year. Plans and hope to be better I've been hoping all my life. Maybe maybe maybe it'll change. I always tell myself it changes. I wish it did change I wish a lot of things l.
Fuck everything
Take away my shakiness my axiety the itching in my arms and hands, this restlessness in my bones. All yearning for death. It's screaming at me. I try to ignore but I can't it screams at me. I prefer to be numb. This is so much worse. It's unbearable my own body is telling me to die. I'm telling myself to do but it can't come fast enough
Anyways here's a rant I wrote earlier today if anyone's interested:
Ppl say I'm cold I am. I opened up to a few ppl in my life but it's always just meh in the end. In the end maybe I'm too cold. It's to protect myself. Let yourself be sad and move on. Don't be numb feel. If only I could. I want to drive myself up a wall and come back down and be happy. They don't understand me. How sick I am. I'm so sick and I can't find the cure. I found smth, maybe it's the antidote maybe it's something more. I can't wait to lay down forever. I'm so fucking tired of everything. Let the world burn but in the end it's just me burning. I wish to fade into the abyss. I stare at the sky and I feel calm. I see the lights of the city. That's what a pretty view does to you. I want to die loookg at it. I'm so insane actually what's wrong with me. But the same time like can I get betters what's the point. I'm going to die in the end what time does it matter. I have thing working out kinda for me what's wrong. I'm so ungrateful. I'll never be happy. I want to read the letters again and be reminded when I was happy. I want to collapse and jsut pretend I'm dead. What's the point what's the point. Maybe if I die now I won't have to pretend to care anymore. I won't have to try everyday to be happy. It never works but I try or recently I have been. I'm filled with nothing but sorrow. What do I did what do I do. I'm nothing. No one ever. If I can see it, feel it. I wish I don't know anymore. I wish I can go away a forever. I have plans the next two days. I have a life kinda. Money isn't necessarily an issue, maybe it's lack of passion. I can change job I can do so much but I can't escape. I can't I can't i can't no matter what I change I do I can't change myself I'm too stubborn. What do I want. I want the night to never end. Everlasting night. I want to be at peace. I remember listing to music in my car wanting to die. I remember wanting it so badly. This is a simailr feeling. Trying to hard to feel happy and you are happy almost, but it never leaves my mind and it's calling me and it gets stronger and quieter and I wish I wasn't so weak and I wish a lot of things but no matter what I'll jsut be dead in the end. Yeah it doesn't matter I jsut wanna be happy stop everything everything everything what's the fucking point. Let me die god smite me here. Give me peace. I only believe in you when I'm happy where are you now. It's so loud at night. I like it but Jesus. I can't sleep like this. Maybe I can maybe I'll jsut get sick. Go to the hospital go home kill yourself. Be happy and happy and happy. I'm not high or drunk rn I wish I was. I'm completely sober jsut running off of idk sleep deprivation and anxiety and hate. I'm filled with hate and fear and this overwhelming numbness that threatens to consume me. That is and has been consuming me. Do I want to feel numb, it's all I am it's all I've been. Numb and angry my main emotions. Let me be numb anger fuels me numbness smooths me in the end I jsut want it to all be quiet. I keep replaying songs words famine things in my head, I don't know why. Should I do it. Why not am I right. What do I have tomorrow or the next day or next month or next year. Plans and hope to be better I've been hoping all my life. Maybe maybe maybe it'll change. I always tell myself it changes. I wish it did change I wish a lot of things l.
Fuck everything
Take away my shakiness my axiety the itching in my arms and hands, this restlessness in my bones. All yearning for death. It's screaming at me. I try to ignore but I can't it screams at me. I prefer to be numb. This is so much worse. It's unbearable my own body is telling me to die. I'm telling myself to do but it can't come fast enough
