NoOneLovesMiMi
Just Me
- May 27, 2023
- 114
It's Christmas morning. A very odd one too.
No snow at all...the sun is shining.
But I'm inside reading some of you all posts.
Panicking out of my mind.
Crying at the simplest things.
I think I have cried more these last few weeks than a total of all my 42 years of life.
So many thoughts going through my mind.
One of them was my mom really has no clue.
She knows I lost my job so she's been trying to tell me about places hiring.
But as she spoke all I could think is no.
Jobs are exhausting.
I've been at my old job for 8 years. So to a normal person they could never understand why resumes, interviews and the overall search is overwhelming and depressing. I cant bring myself to do it. But to not be out of the ordinary I went to her house to use the computer to fill out the application so she wouldn't be suspicious of my plans.
My next thought was my friend. Her father passed away right around the beginning of my job troubles. She's not really my friend. I think we just don't mind eachother because we've known each other since elementary school. But she never calls me. Never invites me. Never been to my home. But I thought I wonder if she knew that the last time she would physically see me is the day I mustered up the energy to show up to her dad's funeral.
Then my last thought is my sister. We're not close but I think of her and dream of her often when I do sleep.
She only came to my home to vent about her problems. I believe I said in another post at least I'm glad my last time seeing her that I hugged her.
She actually texted me Merry Christmas today and I don't know why but it did make me cry.
I even almost asked if she would just come sit with me. But I didn't.
All I want is someone to come sit with me. We don't have to talk. Just hold my hand and sit with me.
I also started my period. I'm so mad because I knew it was late because I'm so stressed. But it finally came.
I did laugh a little because my first thought was am I'm going to stick to my plan date which is tomorrow or hold off again for a couple of days.
Can you imagine me being found dead with 4 diapers on to keep from bleeding in the bed.
Only would I worry about being on my period and found
.
I don't wanna be found stinky either. I don't know if it's hormones or what but I swear no matter what I do I smell horrible. I already have a crazy hygiene routine but I've noticed it's not helping.
So not sure yet but I am thinking of waiting till it lightens up a bit because according to my method this could be painful so I don't wanna worry about a period too
The fear and torture of thinking about this all day and all night is excruciating.
It was so bad last night that I lull myself to sleep by repeating over in my head it's gonna work.
I've researched how much I need to drink and how much leaves your body.
So other than pain the dose must be enough for me to die.
I really just want this to work.
I'm tired of surviving and that's what I said in my I'm sorry note.
I've never been living just surviving.
What a unhappy life and a cruel thing to ask people to survive.
Well if you read all this Thankyou
Many of you have said the sweetest things to me that have brought me to tears. I'm very honored to have you all in these moments and I wish I could comfort you as you all have comfort me.
Merry Christmas
No snow at all...the sun is shining.
But I'm inside reading some of you all posts.
Panicking out of my mind.
Crying at the simplest things.
I think I have cried more these last few weeks than a total of all my 42 years of life.
So many thoughts going through my mind.
One of them was my mom really has no clue.
She knows I lost my job so she's been trying to tell me about places hiring.
But as she spoke all I could think is no.
Jobs are exhausting.
I've been at my old job for 8 years. So to a normal person they could never understand why resumes, interviews and the overall search is overwhelming and depressing. I cant bring myself to do it. But to not be out of the ordinary I went to her house to use the computer to fill out the application so she wouldn't be suspicious of my plans.
My next thought was my friend. Her father passed away right around the beginning of my job troubles. She's not really my friend. I think we just don't mind eachother because we've known each other since elementary school. But she never calls me. Never invites me. Never been to my home. But I thought I wonder if she knew that the last time she would physically see me is the day I mustered up the energy to show up to her dad's funeral.
Then my last thought is my sister. We're not close but I think of her and dream of her often when I do sleep.
She only came to my home to vent about her problems. I believe I said in another post at least I'm glad my last time seeing her that I hugged her.
She actually texted me Merry Christmas today and I don't know why but it did make me cry.
I even almost asked if she would just come sit with me. But I didn't.
All I want is someone to come sit with me. We don't have to talk. Just hold my hand and sit with me.
I also started my period. I'm so mad because I knew it was late because I'm so stressed. But it finally came.
I did laugh a little because my first thought was am I'm going to stick to my plan date which is tomorrow or hold off again for a couple of days.
Can you imagine me being found dead with 4 diapers on to keep from bleeding in the bed.
Only would I worry about being on my period and found
.I don't wanna be found stinky either. I don't know if it's hormones or what but I swear no matter what I do I smell horrible. I already have a crazy hygiene routine but I've noticed it's not helping.
So not sure yet but I am thinking of waiting till it lightens up a bit because according to my method this could be painful so I don't wanna worry about a period too
The fear and torture of thinking about this all day and all night is excruciating.
It was so bad last night that I lull myself to sleep by repeating over in my head it's gonna work.
I've researched how much I need to drink and how much leaves your body.
So other than pain the dose must be enough for me to die.
I really just want this to work.
I'm tired of surviving and that's what I said in my I'm sorry note.
I've never been living just surviving.
What a unhappy life and a cruel thing to ask people to survive.
Well if you read all this Thankyou
Many of you have said the sweetest things to me that have brought me to tears. I'm very honored to have you all in these moments and I wish I could comfort you as you all have comfort me.
Merry Christmas
