Almost there

[YellowJasmine]

Darling, and please forgive me if I speak out of turn, but if you love each other - and I believe you do, otherwise you wouldn't have been writing and video chatting and so on while he had been away - and he must love you too or he wouldn't have given you $1000 to keep in touch.

Besides, from your picture you are beautiful and from your posts here you are smart and funny, sharp and brilliantly wicked.

I'm worried you're chucking away one thing - love - that many of us don't get a chance at because you've fallen into a downward spirals and you are ctb when you don't actually want to but you feel you have to.

Please take another day to think if there are any more options. Even if it's asking his grim mother for $$

"Don't throw your love away" The Beatles (quote)

Xxxxxxxxxxx

Exactly.

Absolutely.

Perfectly said.

I think and feel the same. Been worried and have talked about it with someone, but there's not much we can do but express our perspective here. Had I not been broke myself, I'd have handed the money without blinking.

 

[Floraknife]

I know, nothing is ever that simple is it? I'm sorry for trying to make it seem as if it were so easy when it's not. Thank you for thinking about it It's just not often you meet a soul mate and I'd hate for you two not to just have one last chance.

I agree with you about therapy - some people it works for, not for me (am shuddering here at the memory) but there are other ways to heal the bits of you that you don't like xxxxxxxxxxx

Want to just cuddle you xx

Don't be sorry! It's a beautiful thing to have endured so many trials in life and still believe wholeheartedly in the power of love, I respect that, thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. I'll do my best to take them to heart <3

No idea on how to go about self-healing, feels like I've tried everything but I'll happily accept that cuddle and squeeze you right back <3<3<3

 

[Floraknife]

Exactly.

Absolutely.

Perfectly said.

I think and feel the same. Been worried and have talked about it with someone, but there's not much we can do but express our perspective here. Had I not been broke myself, I'd have handed the money without blinking.

What do you mean "been worried and have talked about it with someone"? I'm confused is this in regard to me/my situation??

 

[YellowJasmine]

What do you mean "been worried and have talked about it with someone"? I'm confused is this in regard to me/my situation??

Sorry for not being clear -

Yes your situation has had a big impression on me and I felt so bad that I talked to a friend here on SS about it.

 

[JustAboutDone]

Don't be sorry! It's a beautiful thing to have endured so many trials in life and still believe wholeheartedly in the power of love, I respect that, thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. I'll do my best to take them to heart <3

No idea on how to go about self-healing, feels like I've tried everything but I'll happily accept that cuddle and squeeze you right back <3<3<3

I think you're part way there to being healed because to have endured so damn much and STILL believe wholeheartedly in love is an amazing quality - don't jack it in yet. Most people who have been through what you have would be bitter or angry or vicious - not you. Yes, you may be acting a little crazy at times! You've been through the wringer! Cut yourself some slack!

I think the people on this site would have some ideas on self-healing and how to bring together the bits of you that you don't like

Let's ask them?

 

[JustAboutDone]

Please anyone, who here has some ideas on self-healing?

So, say you don't want therapy but you want to find a way to feel at peace with yourself and forgive yourself for things you've done and move on?

Suggestions PLEASE

 

[Floraknife]

Sorry for not being clear -

Yes your situation has had a big impression on me and I felt so bad that I talked to a friend here on SS about it.

:( Oh dear I'm sorry please don't worry about me, I'm not worth the trouble, it will be okay. Money wouldn't fix any of my problems unless I re-developed the skills to hold down a job... sometimes things just get broken beyond repair. My life and my spirit, for instance. It doesn't suck or hurt any less, but it is a fact of life. I truly believe that my fiance would be better off without me.

 

[YellowJasmine]

Please anyone, who here has some ideas on self-healing?

So, say you don't want therapy but you want to find a way to feel at peace with yourself and forgive yourself for things you've done and move on?

Suggestions PLEASE

I just would like to add one thing - and that is this:

If you are capable of loving another, it means you are capable of love overall. This also means you have love in yourself and therefore, even if you don't see it in daily consciousness, you do have self love as well, other wise there would be nowhere to get it from. It might be hidden, shy or hiding for security, but it's there! You'd have to tend to it, hold it, care for it and be there with it, and slowly it can and will bloom with time.

I'd have many suggestions with regards to healing, which certainly is more than possible even with extreme abuse and no steady life rhythm, but this seems like a crisis with very limited time! For that I really have not much knowledge for which I am so sorry.

I too hope someone might be able to chime in, and soon..!

<3

 

[JustAboutDone]

:( Oh dear I'm sorry please don't worry about me, I'm not worth the trouble, it will be okay. Money wouldn't fix any of my problems unless I re-developed the skills to hold down a job... sometimes things just get broken beyond repair. My life and my spirit, for instance. It doesn't suck or hurt any less, but it is a fact of life. I truly believe that my fiance would be better off without me.

But what does HE believe?
And he is your FIANCE
Which means you made him a promise you would marry him?
If I believed in my heart you 100% wanted to ctb I would send you on your way with my blessings but I don't feel it. I feel you are missing him so much your heart is breaking and you feel you aren't worthy.

But you ARE. You ARE

 

[Kuba]

best wishes to you
im sorry that u have hard life
you are good person
i will pray for you

 

[YellowJasmine]

:( Oh dear I'm sorry please don't worry about me, I'm not worth the trouble, it will be okay. Money wouldn't fix any of my problems unless I re-developed the skills to hold down a job... sometimes things just get broken beyond repair. My life and my spirit, for instance. It doesn't suck or hurt any less, but it is a fact of life. I truly believe that my fiance would be better off without me.

I know

worry doesn't serve anyone or anything <3

Still, I think of you and I feel very very very sad. Because I understand. Better than you could possibly know. Don't worry about me worrying. You are SO worth it, and yet you can't see that now as it is.

I think you are wise and do realize that certain things can transform themselves. You can too. Empty can also be spaceous.

And although I understand that a sum of money would be handing you a fish, not a fishing rod, it can still ease the situation for a while. Especially if you're willing to work a little on the muscles that haven't been in action recently - in this case your holding of a job.

Girl, you're too precious. And that has nothing to do with those timestopping looks.

Edit: Busted. I'm sorry. I don't mean to make you stay around if you don't want to. I'm pro choice, but this sounds like you feel like you're out of choices. Again, apologies if I'm being disrespectful of your choices.

 

[JustAboutDone]

I know

worry doesn't serve anyone or anything <3

Still, I think of you and I feel very very very sad. Because I understand. Better than you could possibly know. Don't worry about me worrying. You are SO worth it, and yet you can't see that now as it is.

Girl, you're too precious. And that has nothing to do with those timestopping looks.

I second this. Flora, you don't see what we see in you. Xxx

 

[YellowJasmine]

Doesnt this make you hate the world.

I want to scream.

 

[lost_soul83]

Hey. So I've been exploring a few different methods but considering my situation at the moment, my only reasonable choice is VSED/chance of hypothermia. Not ideal, but I don't have the means to reliably attempt any other method. I've been toying with the idea of attempting to stick around but at this point it's more effort than I'm worth.

So my plan is to write out and address my notes, pack a bag of the letters from my fiance, books to read, my ID, my journal. Some things to help come to terms with my passing and to pass the time, 1,4b, and leave to sleep on the streets, leaving my key behind. I'm hoping I'll find some place to sleep, read, and write in peace, and if not, the constant moving around will help pass the time, too. This may sound silly to some but I'm facing homelessness and starvation either way and I'd rather not drag out the inevitable. I have nothing. No car, no money, no friends, no family nearby, no life skills.

If I do find some relatively peaceful spot outside, I think once the thirst and hunger really set in I will curl up, and intermittently dose the 1,4b to sleep until I reach dehydration. Hopefully in less than a week, but it could take longer. My phone plan expires tomorrow so I won't be able to contact anyone, I'm not very familiar with this city so it'll be easy to get lost.

Still feels surreal right now as I'm curled up in the bed I share with my fiance, but I've thought through all of my options, and this is the simplest solution to an impossible situation. I've sobbed enough, I've "killed myself with changes trying to make things better" enough, I'm exhausted, depleted, and ready to slip back into the fabric of the universe. Or... You know, whatever. Still have to clean up after myself and pack my things to be easily removed (I want to make it easier on my fiance. I don't imagine he'd want to go through my things once he gets home in May? But I don't know), so I'm not leaving right away, probably much later tonight. Just sort of wanted to let you guys know I won't be around much longer but I've thoroughly enjoyed being a part of such an open-minded and compassionate community, I'm sorry I'm so bad with holding individual conversations but really am thankful to have met everyone on here that I have. Peace to you all.

Very good luck to you honey! At the very least, I hope your transition into infinite is a relatively painless one. Peace be with you!

 

[lost_soul83]

Doesnt this make you hate the world.

I want to scream.

Yes, very much so.

 

[lost_soul83]

Please don't do this....there has to be other quick and painless methods to CTB... You have 1,4 already? Why not take a massive amount of that instead? as long as you have stuff to stop vomiting. VSED is a terrible way to CTB, someone else tried it, not to long back and failed...

Can I ask a stupid question? What are 1,4? And how do you get it/them?

 

[OkTotti]

Can I ask a stupid question? What are 1,4? And how do you get it/them?

No , you can't . This is about Floraknife and her choices.. Don' t deter this thread....

 

[2 be or not]

Please anyone, who here has some ideas on self-healing?

So, say you don't want therapy but you want to find a way to feel at peace with yourself and forgive yourself for things you've done and move on?

Suggestions PLEASE

Anything from Andrew Weil, guided meditations might be of help:

https://www.google.com/search?safe=.......0...1c..64.psy-ab..0.0.0....0.z_k6kElDPbU

 

[Xerxes]

Seeing that you're in the coldest hell hole of America *cough* Michigan...It could be a viable method unless you hate cold. Being so weak because of fasting and not drinking water, plus cold will also dehydrate your body to the point of delirium. Then you'll be tired, and fall asleep somewhere and the frigid temperatures should do the rest. I could never do that, I hate cold. But if your resolve and willpower is strong enough to where survival instinct and your heart will keep you from living, then more power to you.

I'm sad that it has come down to it, but I'm always sad to see all things come to an end. I wish you well in your journey and hope you find your peace in death.

 

[Taylor]

I'm so sorry you have to resort to this method. I'm from Wisconsin, right next to you, and am all too familiar with how brutal and unforgiving the cold is. If there was anything I could do to help you I would do so, I can't stand the thought of you suffering like that. My heart goes out to you, and I hope you find eternal peace.

 

[Floraknife]

Much love to all of you. I'm taking a couple days to think it through (no choice really, 1,4b shipment was delayed) and I'll come back to this thread soon...
I don't know what to do but thank you guys for being so wonderful.

 

[Floraknife]

Yes, very much so.

Guys :( You hardly know me

 

[ReadyasEver]

This is heart wrenching. Pile all that crap on me, I'm old grizzled bear who's going to die anyways. Crap, she's pretty damn close to me, and after reading this thread I feel like driving over that way and filling her fridge full of food and handing her a handful of cash so she can take a deep breathe and not feel so rushed.

 

[sadsoul]

Why is our society and this world so incredibly cruel :( This thread broke my heart, I wish we could somehow help you. The thought of you slowly dying alone in the streets makes me so sad. I'm sorry you're in this horrible situation, you don't deserve this at all, you deserve happiness <3 But I can also understand if you don't feel like you deserve happiness. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you won't be in too much pain. Peace and love to you.

 

[JustAboutDone]

This is heart wrenching. Pile all that crap on me, I'm old grizzled bear who's going to die anyways. Crap, she's pretty damn close to me, and after reading this thread I feel like driving over that way and filling her fridge full of food and handing her a handful of cash so she can take a deep breathe and not feel so rushed.

@ReadyasEver i love you to bits for this - this is the kindest thing and you are lovely.

See, Florabunny, no-one wants you to take yourself onto the mean old streets of Michigan, curl up in a doorway and risk all sorts of grim things happening to you. You are far too special for that.

And, besides, in a few short weeks your fiancé will come after us with a shovel!

Before people start slamming me for being a "gatekeeper" - I'm not. I'm pro choice. But this feels like putting a cat to sleep because you're going on holiday.

Hope you got some sleep, darling girl xx

Xxxx

 

[Guess]

@ReadyasEver

See, Florabunny, no-one wants you to take yourself onto the mean old streets of Michigan, curl up in a doorway and risk all sorts of grim things happening to you. You are far too special for that

Xxxx

Yes! Exactly. You are definitely worth all the amazing things in the world and much much much more

 

[Floraknife]

You guys really are the sweetest community. Thank you for everything, unfortunately I think I've unintentionally given off the impression that these are my only issues? And they're really just the... Catalyst, for me giving up - I've struggled with severe mental illness for a long time, and I've been tired of fighting myself for just as long. I'm a wreck, have been for years. My issues are really, very deep, and it's highly unlikely I'll be able to recover. As much as I love my fiance, I am literally barely functioning and in agony. When the 1,4b gets here I will be going through with my original plan. Love you guys, thanks for letting me get to know you and I'm sending y'all as many hugs as I can.

 

[Floraknife]

This is heart wrenching. Pile all that crap on me, I'm old grizzled bear who's going to die anyways. Crap, she's pretty damn close to me, and after reading this thread I feel like driving over that way and filling her fridge full of food and handing her a handful of cash so she can take a deep breathe and not feel so rushed.

You're a kind man <3<3<3

 

[Floraknife]

Why is our society and this world so incredibly cruel :( This thread broke my heart, I wish we could somehow help you. The thought of you slowly dying alone in the streets makes me so sad. I'm sorry you're in this horrible situation, you don't deserve this at all, you deserve happiness <3 But I can also understand if you don't feel like you deserve happiness. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you won't be in too much pain. Peace and love to you.

It's okay, really. I mean it's not like *okay* okay, but it's okay. I'm looking at it through a "survival of the fittest" lens - I don't have the skills or the willpower to survive, and this is really about as natural a way to transition as it gets. I don't think I'll ever be able to convince myself I deserve happiness so really just saving everyone a lot of time and energy eh. Thank you for the kind words regardless <3 My heart goes back out to you.

 

[ReadyasEver]

Thank you and take a deep breathe. We all are here under dire circumstances, different, but nonetheless serious. I hope you can find some comfort and peace to chart your course.