Almost there

[Floraknife]

Hey. So I've been exploring a few different methods but considering my situation at the moment, my only reasonable choice is VSED/chance of hypothermia. Not ideal, but I don't have the means to reliably attempt any other method. I've been toying with the idea of attempting to stick around but at this point it's more effort than I'm worth.

So my plan is to write out and address my notes, pack a bag of the letters from my fiance, books to read, my ID, my journal. Some things to help come to terms with my passing and to pass the time, 1,4b, and leave to sleep on the streets, leaving my key behind. I'm hoping I'll find some place to sleep, read, and write in peace, and if not, the constant moving around will help pass the time, too. This may sound silly to some but I'm facing homelessness and starvation either way and I'd rather not drag out the inevitable. I have nothing. No car, no money, no friends, no family nearby, no life skills.

If I do find some relatively peaceful spot outside, I think once the thirst and hunger really set in I will curl up, and intermittently dose the 1,4b to sleep until I reach dehydration. Hopefully in less than a week, but it could take longer. My phone plan expires tomorrow so I won't be able to contact anyone, I'm not very familiar with this city so it'll be easy to get lost.

Still feels surreal right now as I'm curled up in the bed I share with my fiance, but I've thought through all of my options, and this is the simplest solution to an impossible situation. I've sobbed enough, I've "killed myself with changes trying to make things better" enough, I'm exhausted, depleted, and ready to slip back into the fabric of the universe. Or... You know, whatever. Still have to clean up after myself and pack my things to be easily removed (I want to make it easier on my fiance. I don't imagine he'd want to go through my things once he gets home in May? But I don't know), so I'm not leaving right away, probably much later tonight. Just sort of wanted to let you guys know I won't be around much longer but I've thoroughly enjoyed being a part of such an open-minded and compassionate community, I'm sorry I'm so bad with holding individual conversations but really am thankful to have met everyone on here that I have. Peace to you all.

 

[OkTotti]

Please don't do this....there has to be other quick and painless methods to CTB... You have 1,4 already? Why not take a massive amount of that instead? as long as you have stuff to stop vomiting. VSED is a terrible way to CTB, someone else tried it, not to long back and failed...

 

[Floraknife]

Please don't do this....there has to be other quick and painless methods to CTB... You have 1,4 already? Why not take a massive amount of that instead? as long as you have stuff to stop vomiting. VSED is a terrible way to CTB, someone else tried it, not to long back and failed...

I don't have stuff to stop vomiting. I have 6 Benadryl and about half a gram of OG Kush. That is it. And I don't want to waste it all by just throwing it back up if it'll help me sleep through dehydration. For me, VSED is a better choice than very, very slowly starving to death.

 

[Floraknife]

I appreciate your concern but if I had another option I wouldn't be doing this

 

[OkTotti]

just make sure and read this... this is a person who tried the same thing before you joined this site
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/starvation-dehydration.4694/#post-167481

 

[JustAboutDone]

I appreciate your concern but if I had another option I wouldn't be doing this

That's why I'm not going to say anything except a bit of my heart is going with you to, hopefully, make whatever happens to you as pain free and smooth as possible.

 

[Floraknife]

just make sure and read this... this is a person who tried the same thing before you joined this site
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/starvation-dehydration.4694/#post-167481

I read that post a week or two ago... Fortunately, I have no food, and once I leave the house no water, so I don't have the option of caving. Thank you though

 

[Floraknife]

That's why I'm not going to say anything except a bit of my heart is going with you to, hopefully, make whatever happens to you as pain free and smooth as possible.

Why are you the sweetest?
Thank you, sincerely.

 

[Floraknife]

Out of curiosity, (obviously this is just speculation) what would you guys think would be my chances of success if I were able to get a bottle of vodka with the 1,4b? I need less than a dollar and we might have couch change... Would 6 Benadryl and a bowl of strong indica be enough to keep it down, or not worth the risk?

 

[Ntothed]

Out of curiosity, (obviously this is just speculation) what would you guys think would be my chances of success if I were able to get a bottle of vodka with the 1,4b? I need less than a dollar and we might have couch change... Would 6 Benadryl and a bowl of strong indica be enough to keep it down, or not worth the risk?

You will need an anti emetic, trust me. Don't make the same mistake as all the others who have failed. If you're serious about it get the anti emetic to make sure you keep it down.

 

[therhydler]

I'm so sorry you are in the position that you feel compelled to do this. My heart is with you. If it is your way I hope it will be as peaceful and painless as possible... I will be thinking of you

 

[Circles]

I'm so sorry you're hurting this much. I would advise against it but it seems you're determined. I just hope you can outweigh yours options. Is there anything else? Have you practiced self dehydration? It just seems like a lot of things could end up badly. No plan always go according to plan. Please my friend try not to put yourself through this.

 

[YellowJasmine]

Is there any way that your fiance could support you until you can get on your feet? I know since you're not doing this already, there must be a reason, but this seems such a drastic and tough way for you to go about it all..

You are in my thoughts and I hope you will find solace somewhere, somehow <3

 

[Floraknife]

You will need an anti emetic, trust me. Don't make the same mistake as all the others who have failed. If you're serious about it get the anti emetic to make sure you keep it down.

Meto is over $20 on eBay and I'm scrounging for a $3 bottle of vodka right now...

 

[Floraknife]

I'm so sorry you're hurting this much. I would advise against it but it seems you're determined. I just hope you can outweigh yours options. Is there anything else? Have you practiced self dehydration? It just seems like a lot of things could end up badly. No plan always go according to plan. Please my friend try not to put yourself through this.

Thank you for the kind words... I've never practiced self-dehydration but I have easily fasted for over a week for spiritual purposes in the past, I imagine this won't be too dissimilar. I don't have another choice, really, and once I set foot out of the house I think it'll be smooth enough from there. The hard part is getting myself to leave

 

[Ntothed]

Meto is over $20 on eBay and I'm scrounging for a $3 bottle of vodka right now...

Doesn't sound like fun. But if you're going to do it, do it right. Wait until you have the funds and purchase what you need to be successful. The last thing you want is a failed attempt with addition health problems if it doesn't work. Make sure you do your research and all that fun stuff. If this is really what you want to do I do wish you luck.

 

[Floraknife]

Is there any way that your fiance could support you until you can get on your feet? I know since you're not doing this already, there must be a reason, but this seems such a drastic and tough way for you to go about it all..

You are in my thoughts and I hope you will find solace somewhere, somehow <3

He has been, but I've always felt guilty and weird about it even though he enjoys it, I just feel like I'm not worth supporting. And God, I love him too much. I'm realizing I'm kind of just a miserable person. I don't like being alive and philosophically, I find life pointless. He has a better chance of finding lasting happiness without me. But yeah, anyway he's in jail until May right now, which has been emotionally distressing, too... Ironically enough, his mom is a millionaire but she's really manipulative and being around her makes me so anxious I can't ask her for help. It's just a mess. I'm the worst part of this whole mess and I just want to make it easier on everyone and remove myself from the equation

Thank you very much, that means a lot <3

 

[21Neberg]

Hey. So I've been exploring a few different methods but considering my situation at the moment, my only reasonable choice is VSED/chance of hypothermia. Not ideal, but I don't have the means to reliably attempt any other method. I've been toying with the idea of attempting to stick around but at this point it's more effort than I'm worth.

So my plan is to write out and address my notes, pack a bag of the letters from my fiance, books to read, my ID, my journal. Some things to help come to terms with my passing and to pass the time, 1,4b, and leave to sleep on the streets, leaving my key behind. I'm hoping I'll find some place to sleep, read, and write in peace, and if not, the constant moving around will help pass the time, too. This may sound silly to some but I'm facing homelessness and starvation either way and I'd rather not drag out the inevitable. I have nothing. No car, no money, no friends, no family nearby, no life skills.

If I do find some relatively peaceful spot outside, I think once the thirst and hunger really set in I will curl up, and intermittently dose the 1,4b to sleep until I reach dehydration. Hopefully in less than a week, but it could take longer. My phone plan expires tomorrow so I won't be able to contact anyone, I'm not very familiar with this city so it'll be easy to get lost.

Still feels surreal right now as I'm curled up in the bed I share with my fiance, but I've thought through all of my options, and this is the simplest solution to an impossible situation. I've sobbed enough, I've "killed myself with changes trying to make things better" enough, I'm exhausted, depleted, and ready to slip back into the fabric of the universe. Or... You know, whatever. Still have to clean up after myself and pack my things to be easily removed (I want to make it easier on my fiance. I don't imagine he'd want to go through my things once he gets home in May? But I don't know), so I'm not leaving right away, probably much later tonight. Just sort of wanted to let you guys know I won't be around much longer but I've thoroughly enjoyed being a part of such an open-minded and compassionate community, I'm sorry I'm so bad with holding individual conversations but really am thankful to have met everyone on here that I have. Peace to you all.

I'm so sorry that you've come to this decision, but I completely understand it. Have you thought about saving yourself a lot of pain and CTB by train or jumping instead?

Whatever you do, my thoughts are with you. Sending strength your way

 

[JustAboutDone]

@Floraknife I'm so so sorry your fiancé is in jail, that must be heartbreaking for you; you are doing so damn well to be coping. Have you been allowed to see him at all?
I'm a little worried how he'll be if you disappear without telling him?

 

[Floraknife]

Doesn't sound like fun. But if you're going to do it, do it right. Wait until you have the funds and purchase what you need to be successful. The last thing you want is a failed attempt with addition health problems if it doesn't work. Make sure you do your research and all that fun stuff. If this is really what you want to do I do wish you luck.

I've been doing research for weeks, this isn't an impulse decision. I am unemployed and unemployable due to mental health issues. I am facing homelessness and starvation. I understand what you're saying but I do not have the funds, and I will not have the funds in the future. I have 0 ways of making money besides prostitution at this stage, and that would make everything 100x worse. My question was whether it was worth a shot over VSED, it's not like there would be any health issues, I'd just be out of 1,4b.

 

[Floraknife]

I'm so sorry that you've come to this decision, but I completely understand it. Have you thought about saving yourself a lot of pain and CTB by train or jumping instead?

Whatever you do, my thoughts are with you. Sending strength your way

Thank you kindly <3

I've thought about both of those options yeah, but I live in Ann Arbor and there really aren't any bridges with a reliable height to jump from, and the trains that run through are all Amtrak I believe which have that pointed front? Instead of straight up wheels which seems unnecessarily risky to me

 

[Floraknife]

@Floraknife I'm so so sorry your fiancé is in jail, that must be heartbreaking for you; you are doing so damn well to be coping. Have you been allowed to see him at all?
I'm a little worried how he'll be if you disappear without telling him?

It's a nightmare. He's my best friend, too, which makes all of this so much more painful and difficult... I'm completely heartbroken, and it's an impossible situation. Thank you, though, he left me with $1000 so up until the past month we'd been able to talk on the phone, write letters, and video chat a couple of times (no in-person visitation allowed) which helped a lot, but we were careless and used up a lot of that money on talking to one another, and I have no way to support myself. He's still been writing me letters but the last one I sent him was on Christmas, I've been too heartbroken to tell him what's going on or pretend things are okay.

I'm so worried about that too but I don't know what else to do. I wrote him a letter I'm planning on sending out tonight when I leave home, it's mostly a break up letter telling him that I love him, and I know it will be hard at first, but he'll be better off without me. I'm sure he knows me well enough to know there's more to it but it's all I can do to lessen his pain, at this point

 

[Floraknife]

I'm so sorry you are in the position that you feel compelled to do this. My heart is with you. If it is your way I hope it will be as peaceful and painless as possible... I will be thinking of you

<3 <3

 

[15dec]

I'm so sorry to hear you've had to resort to this decision, you certainly don't deserve the pain you're going through. I hope you can find another method but I understand if you can't. I hope you can find your peace, sending you hugs ♡

 

[JustAboutDone]

It's a nightmare. He's my best friend, too, which makes all of this so much more painful and difficult... I'm completely heartbroken, and it's an impossible situation. Thank you, though, he left me with $1000 so up until the past month we'd been able to talk on the phone, write letters, and video chat a couple of times (no in-person visitation allowed) which helped a lot, but we were careless and used up a lot of that money on talking to one another, and I have no way to support myself. He's still been writing me letters but the last one I sent him was on Christmas, I've been too heartbroken to tell him what's going on or pretend things are okay.

I'm so worried about that too but I don't know what else to do. I wrote him a letter I'm planning on sending out tonight when I leave home, it's mostly a break up letter telling him that I love him, and I know it will be hard at first, but he'll be better off without me. I'm sure he knows me well enough to know there's more to it but it's all I can do to lessen his pain, at this point

Darling, and please forgive me if I speak out of turn, but if you love each other - and I believe you do, otherwise you wouldn't have been writing and video chatting and so on while he had been away - and he must love you too or he wouldn't have given you $1000 to keep in touch.

Besides, from your picture you are beautiful and from your posts here you are smart and funny, sharp and brilliantly wicked.

I'm worried you're chucking away one thing - love - that many of us don't get a chance at because you've fallen into a downward spirals and you are ctb when you don't actually want to but you feel you have to.

Please take another day to think if there are any more options. Even if it's asking his grim mother for $$

"Don't throw your love away" The Beatles (quote)

Xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[MistakesHappen]

Don't know what to say, i'm bad with words.
It is going to be hard and i know that you are aware of it.
I'm going to miss your colorful profile pic in the threads.
Good luck, safe journey, thank you for being part of this Family. Hugs.

 

[Floraknife]

Darling, and please forgive me if I speak out of turn, but if you love each other - and I believe you do, otherwise you wouldn't have been writing and video chatting and so on while he had been away - and he must love you too or he wouldn't have given you $1000 to keep in touch.

Besides, from your picture you are beautiful and from your posts here you are smart and funny, sharp and brilliantly wicked.

I'm worried you're chucking away one thing - love - that many of us don't get a chance at because you've fallen into a downward spirals and you are ctb when you don't actually want to but you feel you have to.

Please take another day to think if there are any more options. Even if it's asking his grim mother for $$

"Don't throw your love away" The Beatles (quote)

Xxxxxxxxxxx

This is very sweet and unashamedly made me cry a bit, I wish it were that simple.

We are very much in love. I hesitate to use the term "soulmate" so seriously, but if they exist, he is mine. We're like opposites that fit perfectly together, smoothing out each other's rough edges, and I've never felt more alive than when I'm with or talking to him. My problem is that I don't love myself, and it's not *entirely* my fault, grew up in a neglective/physically and emotionally abusive household, but I've caused a lot of damage in life because of it. I'm so consumed by guilt and shame that I don't feel I deserve to heal or get better, I hate myself too much to fully receive his love and I couldn't bear to give him false hope and live little longer only to end up back in this spot again.

If I hadn't met him, I unhesitatingly would still want to ctb but meeting him has... Changed everything, in a lot of ways, both good and bad. I don't *want* to die (at least not all the time, not like I used to), but I don't want to be myself as I am right now. And "killing the parts of yourself you don't like" doesn't seem to work for me, I only feel emptier and emptier. I don't believe in therapy. I just don't feel worth all the trouble. Sorry I type so much and thank you for the reminder, I'll continue to think about it while I'm cleaning up, but that's about all I can promise <3<3<3<3

 

[Floraknife]

Don't know what to say, i'm bad with words.
It is going to be hard and i know that you are aware of it.
I'm going to miss your colorful profile pic in the threads.
Good luck, safe journey, thank you for being part of this Family. Hugs.

<3 hugs to you, too. Thanks for having me

 

[JustAboutDone]

I know, nothing is ever that simple is it? I'm sorry for trying to make it seem as if it were so easy when it's not. Thank you for thinking about it It's just not often you meet a soul mate and I'd hate for you two not to just have one last chance.

I agree with you about therapy - some people it works for, not for me (am shuddering here at the memory) but there are other ways to heal the bits of you that you don't like xxxxxxxxxxx

Want to just cuddle you xx

 

[Floraknife]

I'm so sorry to hear you've had to resort to this decision, you certainly don't deserve the pain you're going through. I hope you can find another method but I understand if you can't. I hope you can find your peace, sending you hugs ♡

Eh, pain doesn't seem to care about who deserves what... it's okay, thank you, it's really been a pleasure knowing you. And I hope you make it out of that house and find a life for yourself worth living! But if not, I hope you find your peace, too. Hugs <3<3