Almost called a crisis helpline

[BitterlyAlive]

I'm really sorry if my daily posts are annoying. I'm very lonely and this is about the only place I have left.

I just couldn't take it. I took some meds to try and sleep last night and still couldn't sleep for more than an hour at a time. I'd wake up anxious and then manage to fall back asleep, only for the cycle to repeat.

Today I guess the anxiety and sleep issues caught up again. I spent about six hours freaking out, crying, shaking. I didn't have anyone to talk to. I was having horrible intrusive thoughts that just wouldn't stop. I felt like I was losing my mind. I was so scared. Out of pure desperation, I almost called a crisis line. But I'm so afraid of being hospitalized, I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I feel so stupid. Yes, I want to kill myself. But I want to do it on my terms. I don't want to do it impulsively, I don't want to do it in a panic. The most I'll allow myself to do is self harm, and even then I try to keep it very controlled. But my mind kept telling me to take my SN, that I may as well do it now and I'm not serious if I won't do it now, and I couldn't stop ruminating about what a pathetic waste and burden I am. How it's only natural I have no one to turn to because who would want to waste their breath on me? It's horrible to be trapped in that spiral, panicking, and being unable to alleviate the pain.

I wonder if this is in part because I stopped my meds earlier this week... I was on Paxil, known for its nasty withdrawls, but I was on a 20mg dose for three weeks. Would it really be affecting me this badly?

I feel so stupid and annoying for posting this. At least I managed to keep myself from calling the crisis line, I guess...

 

[rt1989526]

I know exactly how you feel, and I wish i had advice to make you feel better but I'm here for the same reason you are. You mentioned Paxil, and let me tell you SSRIs ruined my life and are the main factor why I'm here. My mind and body are destroyed by the SSRI, they should be fucking illegal imo. I will never be the same after that shit.

They are advertised like some miracle drug and I was so desperate and low that I was willing to try anything.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

Sorry you're feelng so low. I don't think you were on enough Paxil or for long enough for that to be an issue. It's probably not been long enough for it to begin to work either.

How long ago did you want to call? How are you feeling now?

 

[Huntfish34]

I'm sorry to hear all of that ,. Can relate to it Soo much... Especially the " pathetic waste and burden " part.

Thoughts and prayers are with you... Be Safe please.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

Are you in a country where they are likely to hospitalize you if they suspect you are seriously suicidal?

It does sound like you could be going through some kind of withdrawal, but it could also be partly psychogenic. But I don't know enough about Paxil to be able to say anything with certainty.

It's horrible to be trapped in that spiral, panicking, and being unable to alleviate the pain.

Yes, I can understand. This isn't enjoyable in the slightest. But it is likely that you will be able to overcome this if the right things are in place.
Can I ask why you stopped taking the meds?

 

[IrRegularjoe]

I can't be the only one who finds them to not be helpful. Especially when they cut you off and say they only have a half hour for a crisis call.

 

[rt1989526]

I can't be the only one who finds them to not be helpful. Especially when they cut you off and say they only have a half hour for a crisis call.

Really there's a time limit? Lol

Fair to assume these ppl get desensitized to the calls after a while and really don't give a shit.

 

[IrRegularjoe]

Really there's a time limit? Lol

I have experienced that. It's awkward.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I'm happy to spend my breath on you, it's not a waste!

I don't find your posts annoying at all. I'm glad you can use this space to get things out and to receive support.

I'm sorry for all you're going through. I have much empathy and compassion. I wish I could fix all that's troubling you, but please know I care enough that I would if I could.

I hope posting brought some relief, as well as getting supportive responses.

I personally have never used a suicide hotline, but I have used other kinds and generally found them to provide some relief in interacting with someone but never any real solutions. I understand the fear of being tracked down and sectioned, it is a risk to call a suicide hotline and I don't know if the benefit outweighs the risks because I don't have any personal experience. But I get reaching out when things are overwhelming and intense. The person on the other end can have much more of an impact than whether they can offer practical solutions. Just feeling heard and acknowledged with compassion can do much.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

I'm happy to spend my breath on you, it's not a waste

If only every person heard this at least once a day...

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I know exactly how you feel, and I wish i had advice to make you feel better but I'm here for the same reason you are. You mentioned Paxil, and let me tell you SSRIs ruined my life and are the main factor why I'm here. My mind and body are destroyed by the SSRI, they should be fucking illegal imo. I will never be the same after that shit.

They are advertised like some miracle drug and I was so desperate and low that I was willing to try anything.

I've been through the wringer with SSRIs. I think I'm done with them. I'm really sorry they messed you up so bad, mate.

Sorry you're feelng so low. I don't think you were on enough Paxil or for long enough for that to be an issue. It's probably not been long enough for it to begin to work either.

How long ago did you want to call? How are you feeling now?

I didn't think I was on long enough, but I'm certainly no clinician. I wanted to call about five hours ago. I'm just tired and worn out now. Thanks for asking, I appreciate it.

I'm sorry to hear all of that ,. Can relate to it Soo much... Especially the " pathetic waste and burden " part.

Thoughts and prayers are with you... Be Safe please. ❤

Thank you. I'm truly sorry you can relate, but at least we have this website for support. I'll try to stay safe.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

My mind and body are destroyed by the SSRI, they should be fucking illegal imo

What effect did they have on you?
Have you completely stopped taking them now?

 

[rt1989526]

Yeah I had to get off them after the side effects. Mostly no energy, anhedonia, PSSD (post SSRI sexual dysfunction). I cannot live in this state and will be gone.

Even depression felt different than now after these fuckin poison pills. I can't even enjoy drinking or smoking weed anymore everything is just completely fucked in my mind in terms of feeling things.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Are you in a country where they are likely to hospitalize you if they suspect you are seriously suicidal?

It does sound like you could be going through some kind of withdrawal, but it could also be partly psychogenic. But I don't know enough about Paxil to be able to say anything with certainty.

Yes, I can understand. This isn't enjoyable in the slightest. But it is likely that you will be able to overcome this if the right things are in place.
Can I ask why you stopped taking the meds?

Yes, they would likely hospitalize me. I've sat with patients who go to the psych hospital after self harming. So... I guess I have good reason to be nervous. I stopped the Paxil because it made me have impulsive urges to hurt and/or kill myself. After attempting suicide impulsively due to meds, I'm a bit nervous about that side effect now. I'm not sure if it's a good reason to stop meds or not, tbh.

I can't be the only one who finds them to not be helpful. Especially when they cut you off and say they only have a half hour for a crisis call.

Only a half hour? Wow, that's cold.

I'm happy to spend my breath on you, it's not a waste!

I don't find your posts annoying at all. I'm glad you can use this space to get things out and to receive support.

I'm sorry for all you're going through. I have much empathy and compassion. I wish I could fix all that's troubling you, but please know I care enough that I would if I could.

I hope posting brought some relief, as well as getting supportive responses.

I personally have never used a suicide hotline, but I have used other kinds and generally found them to provide some relief in interacting with someone but never any real solutions. I understand the fear of being tracked down and sectioned, it is a risk to call a suicide hotline and I don't know if the benefit outweighs the risks because I don't have any personal experience. But I get reaching out when things are overwhelming and intense. The person on the other end can have much more of an impact than whether they can offer practical solutions. Just feeling heard and acknowledged with compassion can do much.

Thank you. I'm really glad you don't find it annoying. I guess the compassion is what makes me keep posting here.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear that and I can relate to that feeling at the critical time of desperation, kind of like your SI is trying to override your rational mind, but ultimately, your rational mind stops your SI enough to avoid making that call. I'm not going to say that it was a good or bad thing, because whatever you do is up to your situation. All I can say is I hope you find peace in whatever decision you decide to take, whether it is to continue fighting or deciding to quit life and be free of suffering.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I'm sorry to hear that and I can relate to that feeling at the critical time of desperation, kind of like your SI is trying to override your rational mind, but ultimately, your rational mind stops your SI enough to avoid making that call. I'm not going to say that it was a good or bad thing, because whatever you do is up to your situation. All I can say is I hope you find peace in whatever decision you decide to take, whether it is to continue fighting or deciding to quit life and be free of suffering.

I think it was a good thing. In that state of mind, anything I would do to hurt myself would be out of control. The last time I hurt myself in that state, I got very drunk and ended up cutting myself pretty badly anyway. Not fun, lol.

 

[ladolcemorte]

I have called hotlines many times. Sometimes the calls have been really helpful. Sometimes not so much. It depends on who is on the other end of the line. As with anything else, there are varying skill levels and certain personalities just "click" with your own.

They typically try to avoid jumping the gun on hospitalization, though it is a possibility.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I have called hotlines many times. Sometimes the calls have been really helpful. Sometimes not so much. It depends on who is on the other end of the line. As with anything else, there are varying skill levels and certain personalities just "click" with your own.

They typically try to avoid jumping the gun on hospitalization, though it is a possibility.

I'm so nervous about being hospitalized, I told myself I would never call a hotline unless I felt like I was in danger. Of course, with those self-imposed restrictions, I'm more apt to be hospitalized if I call. Lol.

It's good to know that you've had a decent experience with them, though.

 

[bigdog]

I called them they are useless completely
They just say go to shrink or find a job or speak to someone

 

[IrRegularjoe]

I called them they are useless completely
They just say go to shrink or find a job or speak to someone

Speak to someone. I wonder if that was the job they have. The stupidity that healthy people come up with.

 

[Breadbfra]

I'm really sorry if my daily posts are annoying. I'm very lonely and this is about the only place I have left.

I just couldn't take it. I took some meds to try and sleep last night and still couldn't sleep for more than an hour at a time. I'd wake up anxious and then manage to fall back asleep, only for the cycle to repeat.

Today I guess the anxiety and sleep issues caught up again. I spent about six hours freaking out, crying, shaking. I didn't have anyone to talk to. I was having horrible intrusive thoughts that just wouldn't stop. I felt like I was losing my mind. I was so scared. Out of pure desperation, I almost called a crisis line. But I'm so afraid of being hospitalized, I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I feel so stupid. Yes, I want to kill myself. But I want to do it on my terms. I don't want to do it impulsively, I don't want to do it in a panic. The most I'll allow myself to do is self harm, and even then I try to keep it very controlled. But my mind kept telling me to take my SN, that I may as well do it now and I'm not serious if I won't do it now, and I couldn't stop ruminating about what a pathetic waste and burden I am. How it's only natural I have no one to turn to because who would want to waste their breath on me? It's horrible to be trapped in that spiral, panicking, and being unable to alleviate the pain.

I wonder if this is in part because I stopped my meds earlier this week... I was on Paxil, known for its nasty withdrawls, but I was on a 20mg dose for three weeks. Would it really be affecting me this badly?

I feel so stupid and annoying for posting this. At least I managed to keep myself from calling the crisis line, I guess...

You're not annoying, absoloutely. We're always here for you, and I agree, this is the only community where people can truly understand you. I agree with everyone else though, SSRI are pure evil and I don't know how they can damage so many people yet be described so many times.
How are you today? :)

 

[DyingAlf]

I don't know which country you are in but I thought I'd share my experiences/limited knowledge of the crisis lines here in the UK in the hope that helps you at all....
The CMHT (community mental health team) crisis line calls are recorded & information can be passed onto any mental health professionals involved in your "care", but even when I was drinking alcohol & taking sleeping pills in preparation to CTB the only thing the woman did was suggest that I go home, take one of my sleeping pills, get a good nights sleep & wake up feeling better in the morning. (She also passed on incorrect information to my care coordinator the next day which still didn't get me hospitalised).
The Samaritans do not record any calls, & while they might call an ambulance in certain situations that is rare & they can't do so if you don't tell them where you are. They are more likely to try to encourage you to phone for an ambulance yourself.

 

[Dcap1]

I texted back and forth with a hotline, offer was to send an ambulance. They were no help at all, but what can they really do?

 

[AmDead]

I have also texted a helpline. Turns out they can track who you are and a policeman showed up at my door. Obviously I turned them down but it took a while to convince them I was okay.
However, if you do not mention any intentions of harming yourself during the hotline call or text, they will just listen. You can talk to them about your insomnia, panic attacks, emotions, without worrying about being hospitalized

 

[XYZ]

I feel so stupid and annoying for posting this. At least I managed to keep myself from calling the crisis line, I guess...

You are neither annoying nor stupid. If someone does not want to read and reply to your posts, they are welcome to read other threads. It's a big forum.

Thx for sharing your story. And btw there's nothing wrong with getting help if that's what you want in that moment, even if it's from a suicide hotline. I know hotlines have been bashed in certain threads (especially older ones and for good reasons) and so you might feel that it's a bit embarassing to say you almost called one. But it's not. I understand what neverending loneliness feels like. How desperate you can feel. Sometimes, it gets so bad that anything is better: even a stranger at the end of a line who doesn't know you and reads from a script. It's all right.

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm always happy to talk to you, and to be there to listen. You're not being annoying by reaching out for support. You're better off posting here than calling a crisis line. They don't help, and they don't understand us. If you say the wrong thing you might get police at your door.

You're loved and not alone.

 

[JB1999]

I called a suicide hotline a few months ago when I was in a really low spot. Just ended up being a waste of time, they cut me off after about 30 minutes of me desperately trying to explain what was going on. Absolute joke

 

[BitterlyAlive]

You're not annoying, absoloutely. We're always here for you, and I agree, this is the only community where people can truly understand you. I agree with everyone else though, SSRI are pure evil and I don't know how they can damage so many people yet be described so many times.
How are you today? :)

Just feel really flat today. Yesterday I was at work all day. I'm kind of upset because I got home and the first thing my relative said to me was that my hair was filthy and gross. :/ But...I managed to sleep better last night, which is good.

I don't know which country you are in but I thought I'd share my experiences/limited knowledge of the crisis lines here in the UK in the hope that helps you at all....
The CMHT (community mental health team) crisis line calls are recorded & information can be passed onto any mental health professionals involved in your "care", but even when I was drinking alcohol & taking sleeping pills in preparation to CTB the only thing the woman did was suggest that I go home, take one of my sleeping pills, get a good nights sleep & wake up feeling better in the morning. (She also passed on incorrect information to my care coordinator the next day which still didn't get me hospitalised).
The Samaritans do not record any calls, & while they might call an ambulance in certain situations that is rare & they can't do so if you don't tell them where you are. They are more likely to try to encourage you to phone for an ambulance yourself.

I'm not in the UK but your experience was helpful regardless. Thank you. It's kind of funny that they seemed like "instead of using your sleeping pills to die, how about you use one to sleep?"

I texted back and forth with a hotline, offer was to send an ambulance. They were no help at all, but what can they really do?

Read off a script, I guess. Listen.

I have also texted a helpline. Turns out they can track who you are and a policeman showed up at my door. Obviously I turned them down but it took a while to convince them I was okay.
However, if you do not mention any intentions of harming yourself during the hotline call or text, they will just listen. You can talk to them about your insomnia, panic attacks, emotions, without worrying about being hospitalized

I would have probably talked about wanting to self harm since I was panicking. Lol, try explaining that to a police officer. But anyway, thank you for sharing your experience.

You are neither annoying nor stupid. If someone does not want to read and reply to your posts, they are welcome to read other threads. It's a big forum.

Thx for sharing your story. And btw there's nothing wrong with getting help if that's what you want in that moment, even if it's from a suicide hotline. I know hotlines have been bashed in certain threads (especially older ones and for good reasons) and so you might feel that it's a bit embarassing to say you almost called one. But it's not. I understand what neverending loneliness feels like. How desperate you can feel. Sometimes, it gets so bad that anything is better: even a stranger at the end of a line who doesn't know you and reads from a script. It's all right.

You're right about people being able to just click on to something else. Thanks.

Yeah, I was pretty embarrassed when I posted this. To be so desperate that I would call a ~crisis hotline~ lol. It's whatever now. Glad I didn't because I would have ended up saying the wrong thing. Thanks for being so kind, mate.

I'm always happy to talk to you, and to be there to listen. You're not being annoying by reaching out for support. You're better off posting here than calling a crisis line. They don't help, and they don't understand us. If you say the wrong thing you might get police at your door.

You're loved and not alone.

Thank you, mate. That's why this is such a good website - we all pretty much get it.

 

[almost_dead]

I called them they are useless completely
They just say go to shrink or find a job or speak to someone

aRe yOu SaD ? tHeN dOnT bE sAD .

 

[BitterlyAlive]

aRe yOu SaD ? tHeN dOnT bE sAD .

Literally my family to me