Venting Almost accepted help. Anyway, what would it take for you to not CTB?

[TrulyNeverCertain]

Kinda feel bad posting cuz it's hard to me to respond and reciprocate right now. Please don't worry about responding if you don't want ^^

I ended up cutting the last 'bridge' I had with someone last night, and almost certainly shared way too much, and got a subsequent wellness check (U.S.).
Hate myself for doing cutting that bridge, but I refuse to take anyone with me as I figuratively sink.
Mislead without lying (lots of omission and redirection again) and got the cops to leave, but I probably wasn't probably wasn't particularly convincing.

I was genuinely so close to being upfront with them after it was over, while they were discussing outside, agreeing/asking to go to the hospital.
Ended up not doing that because that would probably be the worst thing for me right now, plus I can't afford it, especially if I get committed.

I know I need help, I want help. While my desire to CTB keeps flipflopping, my resolve and acknowledgement that I must CTB hasn't faltered.
(My existence and every actuion hurts those I care about, and that almost certainly will never change, no matter how much help I get or work I put in.)
There's nothing left to live for, all my preparations are all but complete, and I don't even know who I can reach out to at this point, especially now that my CTB date is less than a week away.

Idk :3

---

(Humorously and non-seriously) Anywho, how's the weather?

But genuinely, what would it take for you, dear reader, to not CTB?
If there were a 'Big Friendly Button' that could fix everything, what would that button do?
Do you dream of finding a non-CTB escape route?

 

[fightclub17]

Amnesia and a new body.

 

[wolverine]

The right body and enough money to get a proper footing, and perhaps a new magic pill that cures ocd and social anxiety.

 

[Asya]

An income that can afford me basic decent housing in a safe area, basic necessities, and a small/reasonable amount of luxuries to enjoy myself. It's quite simple and it's something that should be afforded to every human. I don't know how things would play out from there due to my decade of trauma as well as many other problems remaining but it would put me in a position to work on it and away from a significant source of my life problems (my family).

 

[FuneralCry]

No, I'd just never wish to suffer in this torturous, harmful existence that just causes all this torture, cruelty and suffering, existence to me is the problem, existence to me is just so evil, it just tortures existing beings and causes all this terrible torture and suffering with no limit as to how much one can be tortured.

To suffer in this existence is just the most dreadful mistake to me and I find it so horrific how the torture of existing can continue for decades longer just for one to face the terrible extreme suffering and agony of old age, existence to me is always an abomination that should never be imposed and it's so horrible how humans torture others by imposing this existence in the first place. Nothing would make me wish to be tortured, I just want peace instead, for me only the peace of non-existence could ever be positive, for me ceasing to exist would be the positive solution to finally be at peace from the dreadful torture of existing.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It would probably need to turn me into a rock or something. The thought of more life here- even as someone with better odds is too exhausting a prospect now. I just want to rest. Plus- no one is immune to the risks of poor health and aging, the economy and all the other dangers out there. Even if we started off in a better position, there's no guarantee we would be protected there on after.

 

[Topaz111]

A new, healthy body/a perfect cure for all my illnesses or at the very least an ability to survive on my own and move out far away from here

 

[inconclusivesorbet]

A way to go back and not inflict all the damage that I had done
Can the button be a time machine.
This version of myself does not deserve love

 

[redndwhite]

Kinda feel bad posting cuz it's hard to me to respond and reciprocate right now. Please don't worry about responding if you don't want ^^

I ended up cutting the last 'bridge' I had with someone last night, and almost certainly shared way too much, and got a subsequent wellness check (U.S.).
Hate myself for doing cutting that bridge, but I refuse to take anyone with me as I figuratively sink.
Mislead without lying (lots of omission and redirection again) and got the cops to leave, but I probably wasn't probably wasn't particularly convincing.

I was genuinely so close to being upfront with them after it was over, while they were discussing outside, agreeing/asking to go to the hospital.
Ended up not doing that because that would probably be the worst thing for me right now, plus I can't afford it, especially if I get committed.

I know I need help, I want help. While my desire to CTB keeps flipflopping, my resolve and acknowledgement that I must CTB hasn't faltered.
(My existence and every actuion hurts those I care about, and that almost certainly will never change, no matter how much help I get or work I put in.)
There's nothing left to live for, all my preparations are all but complete, and I don't even know who I can reach out to at this point, especially now that my CTB date is less than a week away.

Idk :3

---

(Humorously and non-seriously) Anywho, how's the weather?

But genuinely, what would it take for you, dear reader, to not CTB?
If there were a 'Big Friendly Button' that could fix everything, what would that button do?
Do you dream of finding a non-CTB escape route?

View attachment 197329

hey hey :] just wanted to say that i hope you're doing ok (i remember when i first joined here there was some rule against a certain kind of reassurance or something .. my memory is fuzzy lol)

i'd have to think about it. for background, i'm conventionally attractive, come from a very rich family, do very well in school etc. etc. but i also have bpd, chronic pain, a multitude of other things including personal issues. when any of these things are bad, or when i perceive them to be, i find myself thinking "i'd have no problems if i [were attractive] [didn't have ptsd] [did better in school]" and after a couple of years of this i realised that it really wasn't the case.
i considered this for the first time when i let myself really think about my boyfriend. he is probably the most perfect person ive ever known. extremely funny, wise, so attractive, so sweet, physically perfect, makes friends so easily … and he's been actively suicidal almost his whole life. i never understood this, i always thought to myself that i couldn't possibly be upset if i were as good as him. it took me a while to realise that i very nearly was, and i still felt this way.
i think at this stage in my life i can answer most truthfully. i would probably never consider suicide again if i were to get my friends back, or if i were to have a group of friends, and not have to worry about them leaving. i think i could deal with almost anything if i just had people to share it with, or to try to ignore it with. but maybe im wrong