Almost a year since my last attempt, what’s changed?

[burninghill]

It's September 10th and my last attempt was November 1st.

Truthfully, things feel no different which hurts a lot. I remember laying in bed every day wondering if anybody would come to save me in time and genuinely just wallowing in how lonely I was and I feel the exact same things now.

I made new friends, even got a boyfriend, then I lost it all and haven't had the energy or desire to get back on my feet.

I've been getting those flashbacks again to the railway when I lay down which I only ever used to get shortly after my attempt, but I just keep getting this deep feeling of being alone and everything being over for me.

I know my life ends in suicide but I will really miss my mum, she's been worried for me recently. That's how I know I'm not ready yet

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

I'm sorry to hear that life hasn't been going well for you and that you feel like that the only end is The End: Featuring the Lovely Burning hill

It's hard to not have that energy to get back up and I get that I've felt it too. Do you think there's anything that would help move you along?

It's a really tough life. Feeling lonely and isolated is a hard thing to deal with and be depressed about. I only got out of my funk with the help of SSRIs and doing anything I could to keep my mind off things.

I'm here if you want to be listened to further.

I hope you can find a life that is worth living for you and if you find that life isn't all that it's jazzed up to be. Then I hope that you'll embrace whatever decision comes along in the future whether it be taking the expressway to nowhere or waiting for the next bit of evangalion media to drop.

Meow,
Goober

 

[Carrot]

Relatable. It's not that we couldn't try to get up [again]. just.. why? what for? Especially if the world doesn't seem to improve. It's an uphill battle, possibly possible, but just easier to not to that.

 

[starlover]

I hear you on the things not seeming to change part. The most painful part of things for me too, since my last attempt.

You think things will be like the movies, and you'll bounce off rock bottom and shoot upwards. But I guess not lol.

Maybe the upwards part is just delayed a bit. We'll rocket up soon I think. I am manifesting.

 

[themisfit]

Do you think there is anything you could do to feel better until you finally get the chance to CTB?

I'm sure you have tried a lot of things before in this sense, but, since you are going to die, why not trying one more time?

It seems to me that it's going to take some time for you to get ready (I've been reading your posts)

So I believe it will be better for you if you find some relief during this long wait

Remember, this is what life is about: trying again. And again. And again

 

[burninghill]

I'm sorry to hear that life hasn't been going well for you and that you feel like that the only end is The End: Featuring the Lovely Burning hill

It's hard to not have that energy to get back up and I get that I've felt it too. Do you think there's anything that would help move you along?

It's a really tough life. Feeling lonely and isolated is a hard thing to deal with and be depressed about. I only got out of my funk with the help of SSRIs and doing anything I could to keep my mind off things.

I'm here if you want to be listened to further.

I hope you can find a life that is worth living for you and if you find that life isn't all that it's jazzed up to be. Then I hope that you'll embrace whatever decision comes along in the future whether it be taking the expressway to nowhere or waiting for the next bit of evangalion media to drop.

Meow,
Goober

Your profile picture is my favourite scene from Steven Universe. Not to be grim but I compiled a bunch of media I really enjoy into my digital suicide note and that scene was a part of it.

I don't think there's really anything that could help move me along, I do wish to connect to people and be listened to but I'm also aware that I'm a large part of why that doesn't happen. I might speak like I want things to get better but at the end of the day I don't really, I just don't want to feel like shit before I die.

Do you think there is anything you could do to feel better until you finally get the chance to CTB?

I'm sure you have tried a lot of things before in this sense, but, since you are going to die, why not trying one more time?

It seems to me that it's going to take some time for you to get ready (I've been reading your posts)

So I believe it will be better for you if you find some relief during this long wait

Remember, this is what life is about: trying again. And again. And again

Getting high would help me but I'm trying to resist that because last time I got high I messaged my friend and they got quite worried. I planned to take a larger dose this time but don't want to experience a hallucination that makes me contact my parents LMAO. Quite a silly thing to be paranoid about but it would truly be the end of me getting high.

The dose I want to take would also be my last portion of pills and I need some to be able to use when I end my life. I can't afford any more.

I really just live to get high

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

Your profile picture is my favourite scene from Steven Universe. Not to be grim but I compiled a bunch of media I really enjoy into my digital suicide note and that scene was a part of it.

Nah it's chill, I had a similar way of doing my suicide note too . I appreciate the concern though.

Thanks, It is a pretty sweet scene, "Well, I think you're pretty great." Is it in your notes because you maybe just want to be comforted, or do you want someone to appreciate you for still being here?

I know if every time I left the house and someone was like "Oh! Goober, there's one more thing I have to mention. I love you. Bye" It would make my day. Though the most I get from this episode is sitting in the rain during the right atmosphere. Do you have anymore clips you like?

I don't think there's really anything that could help move me along, I do wish to connect to people and be listened to but I'm also aware that I'm a large part of why that doesn't happen. I might speak like I want things to get better but at the end of the day I don't really, I just don't want to feel like shit before I die.

If that's how you prefer moving forward then that's fair. Do you want to do anything you like before then? I know I'd want to see the stars and go to the beach, eat a bunch of stuff I like, walk by the many places I've experienced and think of all the times that I've had there and be scandalous in the night. But that's me personally, what about you?

Well, I am generally free. We could talk more if you like, or on Discord if you have that. But if you don't want to then that's okay.

Take care of yourself.

 

[burninghill]

Nah it's chill, I had a similar way of doing my suicide note too . I appreciate the concern though.

Thanks, It is a pretty sweet scene, "Well, I think you're pretty great." Is it in your notes because you maybe just want to be comforted, or do you want someone to appreciate you for still being here?

I know if every time I left the house and someone was like "Oh! Goober, there's one more thing I have to mention. I love you. Bye" It would make my day. Though the most I get from this episode is sitting in the rain during the right atmosphere. Do you have anymore clips you like?

If that's how you prefer moving forward then that's fair. Do you want to do anything you like before then? I know I'd want to see the stars and go to the beach, eat a bunch of stuff I like, walk by the many places I've experienced and think of all the times that I've had there and be scandalous in the night. But that's me personally, what about you?

Well, I am generally free. We could talk more if you like, or on Discord if you have that. But if you don't want to then that's okay.

Take care of yourself.

It was in my suicide note because I really like Pearl and the hard time she has navigating losing somebody who she felt was integral to her identity.

I can't think of any other scenes right now that I enjoy, it's been a while but I'll always remember that one specifically.

I don't really want to do anything in particular before I die, when I've attempted before I normally just go and get some fast food and a fancy drinks first and that's my special sort of treat before I go. Unfortunately I don't really desire anything anymore, so it's hard to pinpoint things that I want.

I can give you my discord :) if you send me a message when you're free I'll shoot it over.