Fir3CannotSpeak
BurnMeWithFire
- May 8, 2023
- 11
I'm not asking anyone to reply to this or even read it, I just feel the need to get it out there in case I CTB and people want to find out why other than the obvious.
I've been bad at writing in my journal and I've been meaning to be more active on here but if I'm being one hundred percent honest, I don't have the energy nor motivation to produce anything so this is kind of just a sleep deprived 6am ramble about something I should've gotten over a while ago.
I made a post I think the day my ex broke up with me and I know that it sounds like a stupid reason to CTB but it goes deeper than just them leaving and there are other factors that contribute to me feeling this way. The problem isn't that they don't love me anymore or that they broke up with me, it's what happened afterwards that really got to me. After they made their grand exit on their birthday after I sent a desperate happy birthday message in order to salvage any sort of connection that we had, a lot of people started coming out and telling me about things that my ex would do behind my back. It turns out that every suspicion that had ever crossed my mind about them and about the relationship as a whole were almost all true. I feel like in the past almost four years, I've been living a lie. I don't even know who the hell I was talking to everyday. I can't believe the things that they did that I used to sit back and let happen because I was so stupidly in love that I couldn't and wouldn't see anything that they did to me as something they did to deliberately hurt me. I can't help buy blame myself for it all, I was too dumb to see it all in front of me and now everyone has first handedly witnessed what an ounce of affection can do to an insecure nobody who wants to badly to be loved. What's making this all so unbearable is that even after I've been presented with all of this evidence and I've finally been dealt the harsh and unmerciful truth, I still love them. I still wait anxiously, watching the message that's been on read since new years and hoping, praying, practically begging for any sign of them. Of course I miss the relationship, but this person was my best friend for six, almost seven, years where they never saw me as their best friend at any point and dropped everything that we'd built for a guy they'd known for four months.
I really don't want to say bad things about them because it makes me feel so unbelievably guilty, as if I've gone against the only thing I've ever known and also I don't want to seem like I'm making myself out to be the victim in the situation. I'll admit that I wasn't nearly the best significant other, I'm bad at communicating, I struggle with substance abuse, I hurt myself and sometimes unintentionally hurt others, I could go on about my flaws but God knows that I tried with every single fiber of my being to try and be as perfect as I possibly could for them. Maybe that was my problem, that I was so caught up in trying to be good enough that, in the end, I never would've been no matter how much of myself I sacrificed. If my inferiority complex was bad before the breakup, it sure has gotten so much worse. It's gotten so bad that it's eating me alive and all I can ever seem to think about is how much happier everyone else around me would be if I disappeared. At least when I was with them, I had a goal. But now I'm just aimlessly drifting through the months, drinking and smoking my brain away until I finally just grow a pair and end it.
Sorry for rambling, I can't get over it no matter how hard I try.
I've been bad at writing in my journal and I've been meaning to be more active on here but if I'm being one hundred percent honest, I don't have the energy nor motivation to produce anything so this is kind of just a sleep deprived 6am ramble about something I should've gotten over a while ago.
I made a post I think the day my ex broke up with me and I know that it sounds like a stupid reason to CTB but it goes deeper than just them leaving and there are other factors that contribute to me feeling this way. The problem isn't that they don't love me anymore or that they broke up with me, it's what happened afterwards that really got to me. After they made their grand exit on their birthday after I sent a desperate happy birthday message in order to salvage any sort of connection that we had, a lot of people started coming out and telling me about things that my ex would do behind my back. It turns out that every suspicion that had ever crossed my mind about them and about the relationship as a whole were almost all true. I feel like in the past almost four years, I've been living a lie. I don't even know who the hell I was talking to everyday. I can't believe the things that they did that I used to sit back and let happen because I was so stupidly in love that I couldn't and wouldn't see anything that they did to me as something they did to deliberately hurt me. I can't help buy blame myself for it all, I was too dumb to see it all in front of me and now everyone has first handedly witnessed what an ounce of affection can do to an insecure nobody who wants to badly to be loved. What's making this all so unbearable is that even after I've been presented with all of this evidence and I've finally been dealt the harsh and unmerciful truth, I still love them. I still wait anxiously, watching the message that's been on read since new years and hoping, praying, practically begging for any sign of them. Of course I miss the relationship, but this person was my best friend for six, almost seven, years where they never saw me as their best friend at any point and dropped everything that we'd built for a guy they'd known for four months.
I really don't want to say bad things about them because it makes me feel so unbelievably guilty, as if I've gone against the only thing I've ever known and also I don't want to seem like I'm making myself out to be the victim in the situation. I'll admit that I wasn't nearly the best significant other, I'm bad at communicating, I struggle with substance abuse, I hurt myself and sometimes unintentionally hurt others, I could go on about my flaws but God knows that I tried with every single fiber of my being to try and be as perfect as I possibly could for them. Maybe that was my problem, that I was so caught up in trying to be good enough that, in the end, I never would've been no matter how much of myself I sacrificed. If my inferiority complex was bad before the breakup, it sure has gotten so much worse. It's gotten so bad that it's eating me alive and all I can ever seem to think about is how much happier everyone else around me would be if I disappeared. At least when I was with them, I had a goal. But now I'm just aimlessly drifting through the months, drinking and smoking my brain away until I finally just grow a pair and end it.
Sorry for rambling, I can't get over it no matter how hard I try.
