I don't know what it is. But when I think back on the most pleasant memories I had, there is a certain feeling accompanying them. But I don't think that feeling is of those particular memories, it's more like the memories are reminding me of something else that the feeling is poiting towards. Something that is not out of this life.
It feels like there is something so much better than this life. Million times better. I don't know if I just made it up or it really exist. Maybe the thing I'm most afraid of is that it doesn't exist.
I feel like I'm living a wrong life. Like they made a mystake and put me in the wrong body. Everything about this world, society and about me is just absolutely disgusting somehow. It feels like I'm in hell.
The idea of "awakening" and spirituality at first resonated with me. But over time I just feel like enlightment is not what I'm looking for. I just don't want to live the exact same life, but with different internal experience. It's would be so boring and dissapointing. I want something completely different. I want to be completely free from this life, not just experience it in more unfiltered way. I don't want to "chop wood and carry water", or in my case if as a lonely autistic person, whose life is dissapointing in every single way possible. I just want out. I want to be someone else, not this person with these limitations.
I feel like death might be the solution. But I'm not sure if I didn't just made it up and I'm just chasing a ghost. Maybe there is nothing after I die. I'm not sure if it's worth risking it, but even nothing is probably better than this.
It feels like there is something so much better than this life. Million times better. I don't know if I just made it up or it really exist. Maybe the thing I'm most afraid of is that it doesn't exist.
I feel like I'm living a wrong life. Like they made a mystake and put me in the wrong body. Everything about this world, society and about me is just absolutely disgusting somehow. It feels like I'm in hell.
The idea of "awakening" and spirituality at first resonated with me. But over time I just feel like enlightment is not what I'm looking for. I just don't want to live the exact same life, but with different internal experience. It's would be so boring and dissapointing. I want something completely different. I want to be completely free from this life, not just experience it in more unfiltered way. I don't want to "chop wood and carry water", or in my case if as a lonely autistic person, whose life is dissapointing in every single way possible. I just want out. I want to be someone else, not this person with these limitations.
I feel like death might be the solution. But I'm not sure if I didn't just made it up and I'm just chasing a ghost. Maybe there is nothing after I die. I'm not sure if it's worth risking it, but even nothing is probably better than this.
