Agony came much faster than i thought. I stopped caring about my plan as much, and i just want to get my hands on a method of death NOW. i dont care to spare anyones feelings with the letters i wanted to set up, i dont care to wait for anyone or anything. if i die now anyway, my friend could still find a new groomsman.
i noticed changes in my thought process. i am somehow unrealistically happy when i am around people. Its actually confusing as to where this energy came from. i think its a coping mechanism? i am also much more impatient and irrational, and impulsive. i constantly shake throughout the day and every waking moment i feel unfathomably happy yet at the close verge of tears. Anyone relate?
Further, i have been accomplishing tasks and to- do lists hyper efficiently. I dont know why? Anything else, i stopped finding enjoyment in. Aside from work and errands, i dont enjoy even playing video games anymore. i look forward to sleep and nothing else. i dont feel like cutting anymore, i dont really feel like even breathing if that makes sense.
i dont feel stress, nor sadness. Is this a brain defense mechanism? i think so.
All that to share my experience if anyone feels the same? Or is doing something similar.
For context, my "grand plan" was to 1. Isolate from anyone and everyone, and start mentally attacking myself to reach agony. Also, research best way to die.
2. Write letters to those that i love as well as buy the necessary materials and have them ready. Also, make a final playlist
3. On the right day, set up my future messages etc. and ctb in my car, alone at a park or something listening to my playlist.
I think I should have switched step one and two, as i underestimated the effect of isolation and mental degradation. Another yap session lol.
i noticed changes in my thought process. i am somehow unrealistically happy when i am around people. Its actually confusing as to where this energy came from. i think its a coping mechanism? i am also much more impatient and irrational, and impulsive. i constantly shake throughout the day and every waking moment i feel unfathomably happy yet at the close verge of tears. Anyone relate?
Further, i have been accomplishing tasks and to- do lists hyper efficiently. I dont know why? Anything else, i stopped finding enjoyment in. Aside from work and errands, i dont enjoy even playing video games anymore. i look forward to sleep and nothing else. i dont feel like cutting anymore, i dont really feel like even breathing if that makes sense.
i dont feel stress, nor sadness. Is this a brain defense mechanism? i think so.
All that to share my experience if anyone feels the same? Or is doing something similar.
For context, my "grand plan" was to 1. Isolate from anyone and everyone, and start mentally attacking myself to reach agony. Also, research best way to die.
2. Write letters to those that i love as well as buy the necessary materials and have them ready. Also, make a final playlist
3. On the right day, set up my future messages etc. and ctb in my car, alone at a park or something listening to my playlist.
I think I should have switched step one and two, as i underestimated the effect of isolation and mental degradation. Another yap session lol.
