Last night, about 11:30. My body betrayed me again. My left ear, screaming like a fucken banshee, a high pitched ring that no matter what I did wouldn't stop. Medical intervention required. This time I hit it with 150mg prednisolone, 1000mg valacyclovir, 400mg pentoxifylline and 1000mg aspirin. Yea, I know that's not doing my stomach much good, but it's better than suffering from permanent high-pitched tinnitus. This morning it's much better, almost gone, but there's still a faint trace of it, and the ear feels nice and cool and somewhat relaxed as opposed to hot and congested and exhausted (like my fucken right side always does). My right side feels better too (but I know it's only temporary, that shit feeling is coming back because the damage is not reversible).
I can believe I am on my 18th episode now, maybe the 19th.
I know that this just cannot continue to happen. Each time I hit myself with massive doses of steroids, I'm slowly draining calcium from my bones that only something like fucken Reclast will ever be able to fix (oh and that can massively worsen tinnitus and high tone hearing loss). Each time I hit myself with steroids I'm slowly, ever so slowly destroying my vision, I already need script glasses. And, the last but not least, I'm slowly losing sexual function, bit by bit, slowly but surely. I know some day soon I will be impotent and will no longer have any real sexual function.
I've decided that eventually this will have to end. I don't know whether that's in 6 months, it's in 1 year, 2, 3, or 5 years, but I know that I am not long here.
It just won't stop. It keeps happening. It just keeps happening. I get a nice wonderful lull, and then this fucken nightmare just plays out...again and again and again and again and again. My sanity is also slowly ebbing, I won't have much left. I am not going into a psych ward to tell them what's going on because they don't fucken care, all they care about is turning me into a defacto prisoner and keeping me locked up, possibly risking my hearing even more because they will take the medications that I used to treat my sudden hearing change/tinnitus onsets. If I have one while I am in there and suffer permanent damage because I am denied treatment then I am only going to end myself once I am released. Like I'll walk under a bus right outside the fucken facility. Poor bus/train driver.
Why can't people get hold of barbiturates? Why are people force to end their lives in such brutal disgusting ways instead of just booking a motel room, and just going to sleep permanently. I KNOW I had that chance when I still had the sodiums of pentobarbital and vinylbarbital, but there gone now, and here I am, left with NOTHING. All I could realistically use would be a makeshift noose. I have gym equipment that I can hang myself from, but fucken hell that's an ugly way to end yourself, it really is a macabre and disgusting way to do it, when I KNOW that there is a MUCH better way to do this.
I can believe I am on my 18th episode now, maybe the 19th.
I know that this just cannot continue to happen. Each time I hit myself with massive doses of steroids, I'm slowly draining calcium from my bones that only something like fucken Reclast will ever be able to fix (oh and that can massively worsen tinnitus and high tone hearing loss). Each time I hit myself with steroids I'm slowly, ever so slowly destroying my vision, I already need script glasses. And, the last but not least, I'm slowly losing sexual function, bit by bit, slowly but surely. I know some day soon I will be impotent and will no longer have any real sexual function.
I've decided that eventually this will have to end. I don't know whether that's in 6 months, it's in 1 year, 2, 3, or 5 years, but I know that I am not long here.
It just won't stop. It keeps happening. It just keeps happening. I get a nice wonderful lull, and then this fucken nightmare just plays out...again and again and again and again and again. My sanity is also slowly ebbing, I won't have much left. I am not going into a psych ward to tell them what's going on because they don't fucken care, all they care about is turning me into a defacto prisoner and keeping me locked up, possibly risking my hearing even more because they will take the medications that I used to treat my sudden hearing change/tinnitus onsets. If I have one while I am in there and suffer permanent damage because I am denied treatment then I am only going to end myself once I am released. Like I'll walk under a bus right outside the fucken facility. Poor bus/train driver.
Why can't people get hold of barbiturates? Why are people force to end their lives in such brutal disgusting ways instead of just booking a motel room, and just going to sleep permanently. I KNOW I had that chance when I still had the sodiums of pentobarbital and vinylbarbital, but there gone now, and here I am, left with NOTHING. All I could realistically use would be a makeshift noose. I have gym equipment that I can hang myself from, but fucken hell that's an ugly way to end yourself, it really is a macabre and disgusting way to do it, when I KNOW that there is a MUCH better way to do this.
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