Venting After another week of inner darkness and no real hope for things to get better ....

[Praestat_Mori]

.... I think of CTB sooner but later more than ever before. Thoughts about CTB are with me since years and most likely it will be the CO method I'm going to use because this is the most convenient method for me I think. I chose it long before I even knew about SS and I found this forum only lately when I was in a state of very deep depression and darkness. And I'm glad to know now that I'm not alone with probably unsolvable problems that most people out there will not and cannot understand and why sometimes unvonventional decisions are the only solution.

Every time I go to sleep I wish for a natural and peaceful death while sleeping, but the chances are very low this is gonna happen. So now, I'd have a good chance to CTB because nobody could interfere and in a few days I will not be all alone any more, This would make it more difficult then but ofc not impossible.

Weired, before going to sleep I thought deeply about different methods and created pictures in my mind how they would affect me and what I would do shortly before, and by just doing that at a certain point SI kicked in as if this was real *URGS*. I guess, I still have too much of hope left that things still could change and I'm not desperate enough.

There wouldn't be any real issues in my life but a personal existencial crisis which I do not find a way out since years. And this brought me to the point where I am now.

Sorry, this got longer than expected. Thanks everyone who read this up to here.

 

[FuneralCry]

I guess that after all if you have a method planned then you have the option of a way to leave for when the time is right, but of course it certainly is like the survival instinct exists just to prolong suffering and keep us trapped here. I’m also always wishing to just pass away peacefully, the thought of such dying in such a way sounds so incredibly ideal to me but sadly such a thing is just too good to be true in this horrible world, I hate how suicide isn’t more straightforward. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[The anhedonic one]

I go to sleep every night and hope that I never wake up again. I feel like I just don't belong here in this dreadful world. Even from a very young age, I felt uncomfortable being here in this existence. There is something very wrong with this place, and I cannot wait to leave it.
I'm sorry you are going through similar things too. Some of us are just not meant to be here

 

[hockeymum9999]

I feel the same way.

 

[g56f32Z4n8#uExEuU*@]

It is unbearable when - even just by chance - things seem to get a little better, or a woman smiles to you and makes you a compliment, or you feel your body a little healthier or more fit… and you raise your head… and then life hits you again and pushes you down.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

It is unbearable when - even just by chance - things seem to get a little better, or a woman smiles to you and makes you a compliment, or you feel your body a little healthier or more fit… and you raise your head… and then life hits you again and pushes you down.

This is soooo true!!!

 

[starlightsun]

I go to sleep every night and hope that I never wake up again. I feel like I just don't belong here in this dreadful world. Even from a very young age, I felt uncomfortable being here in this existence. There is something very wrong with this place, and I cannot wait to leave it.
I'm sorry you are going through similar things too. Some of us are just not meant to be here

You're right, there is something very wrong with this place.
I don't feel like I belong here either. I think it's reasonable to feel out of place in a messed up world.

 

[OceanBlue]

I go to sleep every night and hope that I never wake up again. I feel like I just don't belong here in this dreadful world. Even from a very young age, I felt uncomfortable being here in this existence. There is something very wrong with this place, and I cannot wait to leave it.
I'm sorry you are going through similar things too. Some of us are just not meant to be here

There is something extremely wrong with this place. Like in The Good Place... everything is made so colorful and outwardly pleasant that you might just miss that it's actually designed to cause you a lot of grief, as it turned out the good place was the bad place. Except in our case, we mostly pretend it's nice.

It's extremely disturbing that a reality like ours can exist. It's not only causing us a lot of suffering, but is nearly mocking us with how we are designed to perpetuate it ourselves; animals can't help it, they breed and suffer (that still includes most humans). It's almost like the universe is supposed to look indifferent, but it's so wrong that there must be something sinister behind it.

And the planet concept is ridiculous, some rock and gass formations floating about like billiard balls and we, weird creatures made out of meat, are sitting in our brick boxes watching changing pictures on tv. I legit feel like I woke up in some horror movie, no one knows why and the majority are in agreement that it's perfectly fine and normal, like some kind of cult where you don't notice/speak of the obvious.

 

[clockwork_cat]

I wish to live inside of my dreams, I've just been sleeping for fourteen hours daily.. I hate that false hope, it's soul shattering.

 

[The anhedonic one]

There is something extremely wrong with this place. Like in The Good Place... everything is made so colorful and outwardly pleasant that you might just miss that it's actually designed to cause you a lot of grief, as it turned out the good place was the bad place. Except in our case, we mostly pretend it's nice.

It's extremely disturbing that a reality like ours can exist. It's not only causing us a lot of suffering, but is nearly mocking us with how we are designed to perpetuate it ourselves; animals can't help it, they breed and suffer (that still includes most humans). It's almost like the universe is supposed to look indifferent, but it's so wrong that there must be something sinister behind it.

And the planet concept is ridiculous, some rock and gass formations floating about like billiard balls and we, weird creatures made out of meat, are sitting in our brick boxes watching changing pictures on tv. I legit feel like I woke up in some horror movie, no one knows why and the majority are in agreement that it's perfectly fine and normal, like some kind of cult where you don't notice/speak of the obvious.

Exactly right. You put this into words superbly.
I also think there is something sinister behind this human freakshow.
We are all puppets in a sadistic game. We are set up to fail and suffer eventually.
Nothing good ever lasts.
The normies of this world disturb me. They walk around oblivious to the obvious cosmic shitfuckery that is all around us.
Sometimes I wonder if it would be better to be one of them: That way I would not suffer as much in this existential nightmare.

 

[hockeymum9999]

I wish to live inside of my dreams, I've just been sleeping for fourteen hours daily.. I hate that false hope, it's soul shattering.

That sounds exactly what I want. I close my eyes and see my stepfather and grandparents smiling down on me. I was very close to them and I miss them dearly. I wish I would not wake up tomorrow morning but just drift peacefully away to be with them.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I wish to live inside of my dreams, I've just been sleeping for fourteen hours daily.. I hate that false hope, it's soul shattering.

That sounds exactly what I want. I close my eyes and see my stepfather and grandparents smiling down on me. I was very close to them and I miss them dearly. I wish I would not wake up tomorrow morning but just drift peacefully away to be with them.

I always lived following the proverb "Don't dream your life - live your dream" but I cannot live my dream in this world any more because there is no fuel for it any more, I wish to live my dream on the other side so much every evening, that this may happen naturally, but this is so unlikely to happen. So sooner or later CTB is inevitable and it must happen in a moment of complete inner darkness, desperation and hopelessness because unfortunately most other things would be great, but this one not to be able to live the life how I want it to be is killing me slowly.