Venting AE are on their way - from technical point of view, there’s nothing holding me back anymore

[dinosavr]

I don't know what the hell I'm doing, I kind of feel like I'm in some kind of game or a bad movie. I don't know what I really want and I probably won't act on anything anytime soon, until I make up my mind but!!! finally, 6 months after my SN arrived, during a mental breakdown, I managed to find domperidone and it's on its way to my country.
I didn't have to order SN from abroad so this time it's much more stressful and expensive. I had to create PayPal account and all that shit. I can't believe it's real, it's actually on a plane now and it will be delivered to ME. Also, that's the last piece of my plan that was missing. A plan that technically got suspended by the way…
I don't know, I guess maybe I'm counting on getting drunk and deciding to drink it? On the other hand, that increases the risk of vomiting and failing. Maybe another mental breakdown would be enough? I don't know… I hate how stuck I am :( But maybe, hopefully, it will make me feel a little bit closer to the edge.

I just wish I wasn't suicidal at all or I was more suicidal than I have ever been so far. Stupid motherfucking coward!!!!!


(edit)
oh PS I'm having a psychiatrist appointment next week and I'm wondering, this time from a recovery seeker point of view - how much do you guys think I should tell her? Other than recurring suicidal tendencies, my depression has been basically quiet right now. I'm doing fine and god knows why

 

[AbsentMindedHuman]

Im sorry to hear about the trails your mind has been putting you through. You are strong and you will find the best outcome for yourself. If you are in a good place tell your psyciatrist and they can help you, but im sure you are aware of there power to control your life. Do what is best for you. I wish you all the best brother.

 

[LaughingGoat]

You're not a coward, you're human. I would say doing some deep introspection and working to find out what is it you really want would be a good first step. I view the decision to commit to recovery or suicide to both being admirable choices, but not something that needs rushing without gaining a true understanding of yourself.

In regards to talking with your psychiatrist, if recovery is something you want to commit to then it's best to be honest as a legit psychiatrist won't commit someone who says they've had suicidal thoughts in the past. I would omit telling them you have SN or any other method accessible.