voidstar
time heals nothing.
- Jan 7, 2024
- 140
Hey all, it's me again.
And i think i want some input.
Last year I've met the most amazing person I've ever known. We started off as best friends and since I had fallen HARD for him we decided to take it to f+ so we both could be at least a little less lonely. And we both fell HARD. He has adhd just as i do, we just GET each other. I feel the safest I've ever felt with him, he just gets me and respects me and loves me so deeply. I always wanted a relationship with him but didn't push it so we continued on as best friends who meet and fuck and do all this couple stuff together. It's been amazing. And he often told me he can't commit to a new relationship right now since he doesn't have his life in order and needs to figure himself out. Fair enough. He brought up a relationship a lot of times and I turned it down, because i didn't want to force anything. So we've spent weeks together, we work so well together in daily life. I've grown so much. He even helped me move across the country away from my abusive ex partner without me even asking him to. Because he wanted to.
This February he once again broached the relationship topic and he sounded so sincere and sure so I accepted. We then had the most amazing months i could've ever hoped for. The chemistry is great, we've grown so much but apparently there were still nagging thoughts in his head about this and he didn't progress in life with finding an apartment and a better job as he'd liked. We talked a lot. Our feelings really run deep. And then last week he came to spend the night with me and he broke up. It broke me. We stood in the shower, me barely coherent and shaking and crying and he just tenderly washed my hair and my body. He even brought me glutenfree food because I'm celiac. He even helped me clean my room before he left.
Afterwards i was broken. I couldn't lose him. I don't want to live without him, he's the one in a million for me and in my 32 years on this shithole planet i never met anyone like him. We talked a lot, he told me he sees us possibly getting back in the future but that now he needs to be free and figure his shit out. I didn't argue or fight him, i support him and accept it. But it kills me. I'm broken. He still has heavy feelings for me, he never met anyone like me before. Which i feel the same. But he also said even tho his feelings won't likely change there's a possibility that he might meet other people, he's been overweight before and has been doing weightlifting for a year now and finally feels his body and feels good about himself. Slowly.
A few days ago we even agreed to continue to meet occasionally to still sleep with each other because this connection is one of a kind and it always feels so good and safe. We're still best friends. But i can't BEAR the thought of him maybe sleeping with someone else. He said he'd even tell me on the low possibility that it comes to that. But he won't enter a new relationship because he doesn't want one, he only wants me but needs to be free for now to fix his shit. I'm still so broken.
So in two weeks our friend group will get together again for our pen & paper game and we'll take a hotel room together because our hosts flat would be too crowded - also obviously more privacy.
And now here's the thing: i don't want to go on without him. I can't. I've been heavily suicidal in the past, have multiple attempts behind me even before meeting him. I have chronic illnesses (multiple sclerosis for once) and other mental shit like severe depression, BPD, PTSD, etc. Im disabled and can't even work. So I've been like this before. Ive lost my mom about ten years ago and I'm back to living with my dad who turned into a sad alcoholic. There's issues with us losing our house as well.
But I've felt so happy those last few months with him and grew and now it's all ripped from my hands.
My plan is to end it on the last night we'll spend together, I'll use a ratchet and cornbags to kill myself in the bathroom while he's asleep in the bed just behind the door. I've prepared letters, got my ducks in order and now I'm just waiting for the last good weekend in my life. I know this sounds cruel to do that to him but I'm at the end of my rope. And i figured what could it hurt to post here and maybe get some input. Idk. I don't see a point in living anymore, I'd like nothing more to cling to his non-promise of a possible future but the IDEA of him sleeping with someone else or it not working out in the end tears me apart.
I barely ate the last week, i dont sleep longer than 4 hours at most and I've already lost 5kg or more, i was only 53kg before. There's no point to this for me anymore. He is the one. I don't want anyone else. I will never match with someone like him again, he told me I'm the love of his life and he's mine.
God. I'm crying again. I can't let him go.
And i think i want some input.
Last year I've met the most amazing person I've ever known. We started off as best friends and since I had fallen HARD for him we decided to take it to f+ so we both could be at least a little less lonely. And we both fell HARD. He has adhd just as i do, we just GET each other. I feel the safest I've ever felt with him, he just gets me and respects me and loves me so deeply. I always wanted a relationship with him but didn't push it so we continued on as best friends who meet and fuck and do all this couple stuff together. It's been amazing. And he often told me he can't commit to a new relationship right now since he doesn't have his life in order and needs to figure himself out. Fair enough. He brought up a relationship a lot of times and I turned it down, because i didn't want to force anything. So we've spent weeks together, we work so well together in daily life. I've grown so much. He even helped me move across the country away from my abusive ex partner without me even asking him to. Because he wanted to.
This February he once again broached the relationship topic and he sounded so sincere and sure so I accepted. We then had the most amazing months i could've ever hoped for. The chemistry is great, we've grown so much but apparently there were still nagging thoughts in his head about this and he didn't progress in life with finding an apartment and a better job as he'd liked. We talked a lot. Our feelings really run deep. And then last week he came to spend the night with me and he broke up. It broke me. We stood in the shower, me barely coherent and shaking and crying and he just tenderly washed my hair and my body. He even brought me glutenfree food because I'm celiac. He even helped me clean my room before he left.
Afterwards i was broken. I couldn't lose him. I don't want to live without him, he's the one in a million for me and in my 32 years on this shithole planet i never met anyone like him. We talked a lot, he told me he sees us possibly getting back in the future but that now he needs to be free and figure his shit out. I didn't argue or fight him, i support him and accept it. But it kills me. I'm broken. He still has heavy feelings for me, he never met anyone like me before. Which i feel the same. But he also said even tho his feelings won't likely change there's a possibility that he might meet other people, he's been overweight before and has been doing weightlifting for a year now and finally feels his body and feels good about himself. Slowly.
A few days ago we even agreed to continue to meet occasionally to still sleep with each other because this connection is one of a kind and it always feels so good and safe. We're still best friends. But i can't BEAR the thought of him maybe sleeping with someone else. He said he'd even tell me on the low possibility that it comes to that. But he won't enter a new relationship because he doesn't want one, he only wants me but needs to be free for now to fix his shit. I'm still so broken.
So in two weeks our friend group will get together again for our pen & paper game and we'll take a hotel room together because our hosts flat would be too crowded - also obviously more privacy.
And now here's the thing: i don't want to go on without him. I can't. I've been heavily suicidal in the past, have multiple attempts behind me even before meeting him. I have chronic illnesses (multiple sclerosis for once) and other mental shit like severe depression, BPD, PTSD, etc. Im disabled and can't even work. So I've been like this before. Ive lost my mom about ten years ago and I'm back to living with my dad who turned into a sad alcoholic. There's issues with us losing our house as well.
But I've felt so happy those last few months with him and grew and now it's all ripped from my hands.
My plan is to end it on the last night we'll spend together, I'll use a ratchet and cornbags to kill myself in the bathroom while he's asleep in the bed just behind the door. I've prepared letters, got my ducks in order and now I'm just waiting for the last good weekend in my life. I know this sounds cruel to do that to him but I'm at the end of my rope. And i figured what could it hurt to post here and maybe get some input. Idk. I don't see a point in living anymore, I'd like nothing more to cling to his non-promise of a possible future but the IDEA of him sleeping with someone else or it not working out in the end tears me apart.
I barely ate the last week, i dont sleep longer than 4 hours at most and I've already lost 5kg or more, i was only 53kg before. There's no point to this for me anymore. He is the one. I don't want anyone else. I will never match with someone like him again, he told me I'm the love of his life and he's mine.
God. I'm crying again. I can't let him go.
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