Help Absorbing the identity of book/movie characters and losing grip with reality, what's happening???

[przeciwwymiotne]

I have thought about how to describe it but I still don't really know. I have to say that I have some traits of schizotypal personality disorder but don't have the full disorder. That's what my therapist said among other things but we're still in the process of diagnosing.

So, I absorb the narrator in books to the point where I (F19) have had sexist and unruly thoughts about underaged girls seen on the street after reading Houllbeq (he writes such characters often and the narrator describes the thoughts)
Rn I'm reading Brothers Karamazov by Dostoyevsky and I'm having weird thoughts and experiences regarding religion. Had a panic attack yesterday because I felt like one of the peasants who came to a monastery to beg for a blessing.
I had to stop reading Tokarczuk with her magical realism because it was messing with my mind too much.

I often feel like I'm on the edge of disappearing and losing my identity. Like I have to hold onto something not to fly away.

Same with movies. I've been Emma Stone from Poor Things, I've been Nathan Fielder from The Curse (literally was afraid I'm going to fly away like he did), I've been Julianne Moore from May December with pedophilic thoughts again. Felt like I'm in a cartoon after watching the newest Spider man movie.

I sometimes dissociate a bit when there's a lot of hard emotions in my. My vision goes blurry and I just don't feel anything. I was used to it and this was my go-to coping mechanism.
Yesterday I had the biggest dissociation episode ever. I literally felt like a child, like a younger version of me. I was so lost in my body. Why is it so big? When did I get so big? Where's my mom? I was crying and barely even talking. Conscious all the time but couldn't snap out of it for quite a while. I remember all my dissociation episodes and this one was the scariest. Terrifying truly.

What the fuck is happening with me?

 

[777puppy777]

Hi I think I may be able to help you. So I'm diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and it sounds like what I deal with. But it can also be dissociation as well. I'm not sure I'm not a doctor but it does sound like your mind is taking you to wild places. I'm not sure if you're looking for advice but when this happens and you start to get scared or uncomfortable put the material away, try grounding. Whatever that may be whether it's reading, gardening, meditating, eating, chatting with a friend, playing with a pet if you have one, hell even counting your fingers. You can also go online and try to find other grounding techniques.

It seems you don't like this, I would consider explaining this to your doctor and maybe even have someone you trust come with you to help you explain and explain it to them and get some good medicine, start off on a low dose and work your way up. Make sure to get good sleep and eat well and some sunlight, I know that's basic as hell but I deal with this and I understand your pain. This is what I do. I hope this was of help. Stay safe.