cantthinkofusername
wannabe girl
- Feb 25, 2024
- 165
I feel like a lot of the reason I want to CTB is that I want to give my life meaning. I don't think I'm alone in feeling that life is meaningless. After death, there's nothing, and it's as if we never existed at all. No one will ever experience any of this again, and I'll be forgotten one day. It feels pointless. But when I do feel happy, I just don't care about the fact that life is meaningless. I can just live. My therapist told me something that's been bouncing around in my head a lot lately, which is that meaning is for sad people. I've been on an upward trend for a while, since my last attempt. I've been seeing a therapist, and a psychiatrist, and I've been making friends and being less self destructive. I stopped planning to CTB last week. Not because I don't still want to end it, but because I don't think I can really make a decision and set a date, because I'll just change my mind again with this BPD shit. I feel like I won't know until it's time. I want to make a decision: to live or die. But I don't know. I feel like I still can't move on and truly live until I find meaning in life, rather than obstacles to death. I know that there isn't meaning, but I can't bring myself to accept it. I feel like it all just boils down to one decision, at the end of the day. If I can't find meaning in life, then I have to either live or die. Part of me still just wants for this to be over. I feel like if all of this ends, then everything will be okay. Life is so fucking hard. But at the same time, I feel like for the first time in my life I can choose to live and be happy. It just feels like a betrayal. I feel like recovery and change is just another kind of death. I feel like I don't know who or what I am and by choosing to be happy I am abandoning myself. If I choose to be better, then I'm giving up on finding meaning, and that means everything I've been through has been pointless. It means I've wasted years of my life suffering for no reason. I'm not a stronger person for what I've been through, at best, I'm a irreperably broken shell of who I used to be. I can accept the life that I've lived if it culminates in my death. Otherwise, life just feels like journey that's incomplete, not one with a conclusion. I can't accept death if it's not by my choice. I don't know how anyone can accept a finite, meaningless existence. Hundreds of billions of people have lived and died, and I'm just one more. We're here for only a hundred years, and we only experience an infinitesimal fragment of the world in each moment. And when it's all over, it's as if it never happened, and we're forgotten. I can't accept that. I feel like I have to die. I feel like I have to give this life meaning. I don't want to abandon who I am. I don't want to be happy. I feel grateful that things are so much better than they used to be, but I feel pathetic for being unable to accept happiness. Help?
