hang in there
get it, har har
- Apr 17, 2025
- 157
At these points in the early hours of the morning I am the only one awake. I have always been alone. No one sits and watches the moon cross the sky with me. Hours tick by and I feel a crushing loneliness in my chest like I have been run over by a truck. Each night this happens I feel further cut off from humanity. When I am at work it is worse. Sometimes I will be driving us around at night and just quietly burst into tears so I don't disturb my partner. I am such an enormous pussy when someone dies it haunts me for years. There was a patient I had to run into the intersection to stop because she was trying to die by a vehicle. That is the only time I have not felt alone. I felt like we were going out together. I never think about it but for some reason this song I'm listening to reminded me of that short forgotten moment years ago. The sun is coming up now and it feels like a curtain pulled across a casket. I don't really care if I sound dramatic I am just explaining my feelings. I have to shove them down every day because I am not allowed to feel them. I feel like I am wearing a mask and no one knows who or what I really am. If they knew they would turn away in disgust and horror. I feel like the world would be right if I was dead but I am anchored here by the emotions of others. I am not allowed to die because it would hurt my little siblings too badly. I wish I was dead and I never want to wake up again. I am fucking chained here like an animal against my will and my every instinct says my existence is a blight. No one can help me and nothing I do will ever change that. I'm sitting here bitching and crying so I don't grab my gun and shoot myself right this fucking minute. I can't, and that just makes me feel worse. I want to die.
