Preamble
I'm new here (first thread post), and sorry in advance but I'm going to just give a short vent and early thoughts.
Context
I started on this site not long ago, and believe I found DMC. My plan is as follows:
- Verify DMC source legitimacy
- Verify any considerations/legalities for importing to my country (Canada)
- Plan my communications with friends/family
- Research and Plan for the day
- Schedule the day
The Story/Vent
I'm 33 and have lived with chronic depression and anxiety, as well as other problems (later found out I'm autistic) since I was quite young. I've thought about CTB for a very long time and wrote my first poems and diary entries about it back as an adolescent. I somehow always knew this is what my life trajectory was. I remember being asked about my future when I was a kid and I envisioned myself rotting alone in a shack. I don't think my answer was very comforting to people.
Life with my family had a lot of downs and problems, but I grew up in a Canadian suburb and wasn't poor and so there were some good times. I remember skateboarding and playing outside as a kid. It's the best times life ever offered me. I always knew I was a little "off" though.
As I got older, my social anxieties seem to grew worse. Everyone was starting to become more social and on track for "success" in university/college, whereas I became more reclusive, feared socializing more and started to develop more problems (including health problems later on). I taught myself to code because I wanted a job I could do remotely and never socialize.
I started therpay in 2018 and stayed in it until earlier this year in 2024. I got through some humps, and had a career at one point in time (until layoffs and not finding success in being rehired for 8 months). I've got health problems, no job, burning savings and nothing brings me joy. I can't code anymore, I don't enjoy sports or arts or music like I used to, video games feel boring. I just want out.
I sort of surpassed what I thought I would for myself: I faked being an adult for a while and had a career, but I knew it wasn't sustainable. And especially with my issues and health getting worse, I know that continuing to live will mean massive adjustments and hard times, and I can't pull myself up from my bootstraps to do it.
I've come to peace with my plan, and I'm hoping for the best.
At the very worst, having a plan and the means will bring me peace of mind that I can exit gracefully, should I decide not to.
Anyways - incoherent rant, I apologize, just thank you all for being here with a safe supportive space to talk about these issues
-delacs
Short amendment: I failed two earlier attempts (2017-2018), but using much less reliable means. One was partial suspension, of which I was able to get out of due to discomfort (probably from poor rig/setup).
I'm new here (first thread post), and sorry in advance but I'm going to just give a short vent and early thoughts.
Context
I started on this site not long ago, and believe I found DMC. My plan is as follows:
- Verify DMC source legitimacy
- Verify any considerations/legalities for importing to my country (Canada)
- Plan my communications with friends/family
- Research and Plan for the day
- Schedule the day
The Story/Vent
I'm 33 and have lived with chronic depression and anxiety, as well as other problems (later found out I'm autistic) since I was quite young. I've thought about CTB for a very long time and wrote my first poems and diary entries about it back as an adolescent. I somehow always knew this is what my life trajectory was. I remember being asked about my future when I was a kid and I envisioned myself rotting alone in a shack. I don't think my answer was very comforting to people.
Life with my family had a lot of downs and problems, but I grew up in a Canadian suburb and wasn't poor and so there were some good times. I remember skateboarding and playing outside as a kid. It's the best times life ever offered me. I always knew I was a little "off" though.
As I got older, my social anxieties seem to grew worse. Everyone was starting to become more social and on track for "success" in university/college, whereas I became more reclusive, feared socializing more and started to develop more problems (including health problems later on). I taught myself to code because I wanted a job I could do remotely and never socialize.
I started therpay in 2018 and stayed in it until earlier this year in 2024. I got through some humps, and had a career at one point in time (until layoffs and not finding success in being rehired for 8 months). I've got health problems, no job, burning savings and nothing brings me joy. I can't code anymore, I don't enjoy sports or arts or music like I used to, video games feel boring. I just want out.
I sort of surpassed what I thought I would for myself: I faked being an adult for a while and had a career, but I knew it wasn't sustainable. And especially with my issues and health getting worse, I know that continuing to live will mean massive adjustments and hard times, and I can't pull myself up from my bootstraps to do it.
I've come to peace with my plan, and I'm hoping for the best.
At the very worst, having a plan and the means will bring me peace of mind that I can exit gracefully, should I decide not to.
Anyways - incoherent rant, I apologize, just thank you all for being here with a safe supportive space to talk about these issues
-delacs
Short amendment: I failed two earlier attempts (2017-2018), but using much less reliable means. One was partial suspension, of which I was able to get out of due to discomfort (probably from poor rig/setup).
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