Venting A rant of an autistic NEET

[Sadbanana]

I spend most of my days meditating, hoping one day something will click I reach Kensho and I finally escape the suffering. But even if it works that way, I'm really not sure it is gonna work for me. My ego is so full of rage about how humiliating my whole life is. I mean know I'm autistic, so why do I always have to feel so much guilt every time I say something stupid or akward. So many people in my life saw me as something annoying that they ideally wouldn't have to interact with (it is mutual tbh :P).

I didn't choose this life and I would not choose this life. I always felt like I have no control over anything in it. What did I do to deserve this?

I tried having job, but having to interact with people there bringed me too much anxiety and the pay was bad. I was thinking about continuing my studies, but I know I would burn out after a month, maybe after few weeks. My psyche is so fragile now, it takes one thing to break and the only thought I can think of is: "I want to die"

Now I just live with my parents. I'm a NEET. It makes me feel bad about myself, but I have no reason to try to better myself. This life is just not worth of investing my efforts into. Even if I do everything I can, in the end it's still going to be the same anxious, lonely and disappointing life with the difference that I will work nine to five at some shity job.

I used to have hobbies. I used to study drawing. I tried very hard to be really good at it, but after the AI image generators appeared I just lost all motivation. Now that I look back I think I was really hoping that when I'm good at it enough I will be able to get the validation I need, but deep down I always knew it wouldn't change anything.

Now I spend most of a day watching YouTube and doing nothing.
Occasionally I play some games or watch anime. Playing games like Portal 2, Metal gear rising or watching HxH are with no doubt the happiest moments in my life. I'm grateful for each one of them. At those moments I felt free from my loneliness and low self worth.

I had couple of friends, but I could feel they don't like spending time with me, but are too polite to tell me outright. So I cut the contact with them and now I have nobody. Unfortunately I'm not a typical introvert that doesn't need social interaction. When I'm too much alone I feel like my brain is working much slower, creativity becomes impossible and my depression grows exponentially. Still, I have already given up on social life and it will stay this way, I can't afford getting more traumatized.

I don't like going outside. Even if I don't have to interact with other people their presence makes me tense up. When I see some young couple kissing, it always triggers something in me, which causes my negative thoughts to spiral over all my pathetic attempts for a relationship. It phisicaly hurts like some invisible hand was clenching my lungs. It's like reality was telling me: "This could be you, if you weren't so autistic! "

I have tried to learn social skills, I have read many books on it, seen videos, tried to spend more time with people. But it didn't work for me. It seems that due to my aspergers my social skills have a hard limit I can't cross. Long social interactions cause burn down, to the point I feel like I'm losing my mind.

In short, I hate my life. Still, I have to admit there were some genuinely good moments which I'm grateful I got to experience (most of them didn't involve me though, because I was just watching some show or movie xd). I wish I could skip 90% of my life and keep just the good stuff.

If you are still reading this this far, I really appreciate that. I know this is super long, but I really needed to vent it all out.

 

[whenwillthepainstop]

I spend most of my days meditating, hoping one day something will click and I finally escape the suffering. But even if it works that way, I'm really not sure it is gonna work for me. My ego is so full of rage about how humiliating my whole life is. I'm autistic, why do I always have to feel guilt when I say something akward. So many people in my life seen me as something annoying that they ideally wouldn't have to interact with (it is mutual tbh :P).

I didn't choose this life. I would not choose this life. I have no control over anything. Why should I deserve this? I tried having job, but having to interact with people there bringed me too much anxiety and the pay was bad. I was thinking about continuing my studies, but I know I would burn out after a month, maybe after few weeks. My psyche is so fragile now, it takes one thing to break and the only thought I can think of is: "I want to die"

Now I just live with my parents. I'm a NEET. It makes me feel bad about myself, but I have no reason to try to better myself. This life is just not worth of investing my efforts into. Even if I do everything I can, in the end it's still going to be the same anxious, lonely and disappointing life with the difference that I will work nine to five at some shity job.

I used to have hobbies. I used to study drawing. I tried very hard to be really good at it, but after the AI image generators appeared I just lost all motivation. Now that I look back I think I was really hoping that when I'm good at it enough I will be able to get the validation I need, but deep down I always knew it wouldn't change anything.

Now I spend most of a day watching YouTube and doing nothing.
Occasionally I play some games or watch anime. Playing games like Portal 2, Metal gear rising or watching HxH are with no doubt the happiest moments in my life. I'm grateful for each one of them. At those moments I felt free from my loneliness and low self worth.

I had couple of friends, but I could feel they don't like spending time with me, but are too polite to tell me outright. So I cut the contact with them and now I have nobody. Unfortunately I'm not a typical introvert that doesn't need social interaction. When I'm too much alone I feel like my brain is working much slower, creativity becomes impossible and my depression grows exponentially. Still, I have already given up on social life and it will stay this way, I can't afford getting more traumatized.

I don't like going outside. Even if I don't have to interact with other people their presence makes me tense up. When I see some young couple kissing, it always triggers something in me, which causes my negative thoughts to spiral over all my pathetic attempts for a relationship. It phisicaly hurts like some invisible hand was clenching my lungs. It's like reality was telling me: "This could be you, if you weren't so autistic! "

I have tried to learn social skills, I have read many books on it, seen videos, tried to spend more time with people. But it didn't work for me. It seems that due to my aspergers my social skills have a hard limit I can't cross. Long social interactions cause burn down, to the point I feel like I'm losing my mind.

In short, I hate my life. Still, I have to admit there were some genuinely good moments which I'm grateful I got to experience (most of them didn't involve me though, because I was just watching some show or movie xd). I wish I could skip 90% of my life and keep just the good stuff.

If you are still reading this this far, I really appreciate that. I know this is super long, but I really needed to vent it all out.

If it makes you feel any better, human drawing will always be better than ai slop. I drew something the other day, even if AI can try and replicate our art, it won't have the same soul. Also the drawing in my pfp is from Pinterest just to be clear, not mine. I would've made it my own art but I post my art on other social media and I don't want it traced back to me from here.

 

[Sadbanana]

If it makes you feel any better, human drawing will always be better than ai slop. I drew something the other day, even if AI can try and replicate our art, it won't have the same soul. Also the drawing in my pfp is from Pinterest just to be clear, not mine. I would've made it my own art but I post my art on other social media and I don't want it traced back to me from here.

Yeah it makea you feel completely different about a drawing, when you know a real person made it.

 

[Dayrain]

@Sadbanana Thanks for sharing. It's appreciated. My respect for your meditation and social skill learning efforts. Not everybody tries out that much for sure.

 

[eggsbenny]

I don't like going outside. Even if I don't have to interact with other people their presence makes me tense up. When I see some young couple kissing, it always triggers something in me, which causes my negative thoughts to spiral over all my pathetic attempts for a relationship. It phisicaly hurts like some invisible hand was clenching my lungs. It's like reality was telling me: "This could be you, if you weren't so autistic! "

I have tried to learn social skills, I have read many books on it, seen videos, tried to spend more time with people. But it didn't work for me. It seems that due to my aspergers my social skills have a hard limit I can't cross. Long social interactions cause burn down, to the point I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I understand how you feel bro. You're not alone in this. Unfortunately the world is made for NTs, and they don't seem understand people like you and I exist. You seem like a kind human being. I wish nothing but the best for you OP.