Venting A rant ig?

[kingrat]

Hello. I have been reading some stories of people here and I feel like I'll probably feel a little better if I post some of the stuff I'm thinking.
So, my name is whatever and I'm some years old. I've had somewhat of a not too nice childhood, with a father in prison and a somewhat druggie mom who has made me listen to her fucking around with some random guys. Pretty cliché, but it is what it is. I realizes some years ago, at the beginning of high school, that i got the short end of the stick of families, i somehow thought everything was normal before.
Ever since I was a child I've been thinking about death, and since we were poor i spent my time thinking about the afterlife or running around outside our home, so not the worst childhood, ive never been assaulted or beaten or stuff, just a little neglected maybe.
Around middle school i moved to live with my grandmother, because she saw that my mom wasn't really fit to take care of me. But my grandmother is a person who gets annoyed easily so she loved shouting at me for random stuff, nothing too bad because i know she loves me. Me, personally, im kind of indifferent towards her, or my family as a whole.
A lot of stuff has happened from then to now, the usual teen shit, losing and gaining friends, weed, alcohol, cigarettes, whatever. I've always thought that I'm just gonna do whatever i want and then die before 18. And now, I'm over 18, with no idea what I'm doing here. I graduated, i went to a university, moved cities, and roomed with a friend, but then i realised how much i hate just...idk, everything, just existing as a whole. I don't want to be around people, i dont want people to see me.
A couple of months ago i tried to die, but i chickened out. I dropped out of uni, and now I'm just working a random job that i hate, i talk to three people and ignore the others.
Today starting my vacation from work, so i went back to my grandmother for a couple of days, to see some people and such, and the first thing i heard from her was that i need to cut my hair and that I've gotten fat again. Tbh, true, but i already knew that:/
I've spend around 6-7 years living with the idea of me finally getting the courage to kms, i tell myself that I'll do it any day now, but...obviously that's not happened yet.
I know that people have gone through way worse shit and survived, but maybe I'm just a mentally weak person? I just feel like i have this lack of excitement about living, about experiencing life, and without it i just want it all to end.
Thanks for listening, or thanks for scrolling past my little rant.

 

[TheMetalhead]

Not much happening in your life might also lead to conclusion that life is meaningless, despite my rather drastic past, being abused, sexually harassed at a young age, going through several attempts and whatever, my past doesn't really bother me anymore, I just wanna leave this world mainly because of lack of anything happening to me right now. I hate my job, in 2 weeks I'm about to be unemployed, which is being pointed out by my parents on a daily basis.
We all want our lives to mean something, right?
Personally I'm going to leave on my own terms soon, just gotta sort some things out :D

 

[pole]

I don't think you're mentally weak. what you went through is real and you feel it, no one else does.

It isn't fair to compare and contrast our situations to the next person. your pain is real.

 

[FuneralCry]

Your feelings towards existence really are understandable, I personally just hate existing in general, I see it as being tiresome, pointless and not worth enduring, thinking this way is always a valid way to feel even if other people are in more torturous situations. But anyway best wishes.