Sorry for mistakes – google translate.
While suicide is something distant, it is idealized and seems to be something very pleasant, but the closer you get the more unpleasant it becomes, and I would say sobering.
Few months ago. I was unhappy, I was waiting for my parents to leave for a few days, imagining how easy I would hang myself (partial) and all the suffering would end.
When parents left, I made a loop so that I can sit on a stool and the loop squeezes the neck. I tried this several times in one day. It is very scary to lose consciousness knowing that you will die. But always in the process of losing consciousness, I removed the loop. The last time I got up from my stool and took off the loop at the very last moment, as I almost lost consciousness, my eyes grew dim, my ears were ringing and I heard scraps of voices - this is a classic reaction. BUT the SI is so strong that it is almost impossible to fight with it, it seems like a mixture of shock and strong paralyzing fear.
It is incredibly scary - to lose consciousness in this way, this is not quite falling asleep - it is rather a clouding of consciousness with its further loss.
I was so scared that I gave up the idea of suicide for several months, I thought I'd better hang myself after my mother dies, I felt sorry for her - she has very poor health. Maybe I just subconsciously postponed the date, I don't know. But now I'm back to the idea of suicide again. I tried again not so long ago when my parents were leaving, but the fear was so strong that I didn't even do the loop normally and gave up.
SI is a very strong thing, it can be overcome only by willpower or an incredible degree of despair. Therefore, it is advised to drink benzodiazepines or Xanax to calm down, although it seems to me that SI will break through any sedatives. Now I am serious about messages like it is advisable to turn off the phone and chreck that no one is at home, because SI is so strong that you can ask for help, there are stories when neighbors were knocked at the hotel and asked to call an ambulance.
The fear of the sensation of loss of consciousness when hanging is so strong that I choose sodium nitrite, although it is painful. I choose a low dose of SN up to 10 grams (so that there are no severe side effects), and a sleeping pill to die in my sleep.
