A Question For Those Who Have Attempted

[Deleted member 8975]

My closest attempt: was feeling really sad, lonely, empty, and at peace.

 

[Remember-Me-Not]

I was around 17 — I had just been abused by my mother and sent to my room. I got hit, got stuff taken away, got yelled at. Overall, not a good time. I made a somewhat half-hearted suicide attempt, hoping that by some fucked up chance I do die.

It was a hot summer night. I remember because the plastic bag was trapping all the heat and when I ripped it off, the air felt cool, even though the temperature was probably in the high 70s (Fahrenheit). I realize in hindsight that a single plastic bag would not have done much or taken too long. I chose it because I had heard stories of kids dying by putting a plastic bag over there head.

But I just felt upset because of how helpless I felt. At the time, suicide was a way for me to take revenge on my mother. I wanted her to finally understand that she had pushed me that far.

 

[m!a]

I'm curious as to what the experience is like. What were your "final" thoughts, last day, what did it feel like to start dying, what happened after you came to, etc. I guess in a way its sort of a morbid curiosity for the sake of my own comfort.

(Please let me know if this thread is too personal, I wouldn't want anyone to be uncomfortable.)

I tried to OD and i fell unconscious, i woke up a few hours choking on my own vomit, it was terrifying...

 

[ARW3N]

Sorry for mistakes – google translate.

While suicide is something distant, it is idealized and seems to be something very pleasant, but the closer you get the more unpleasant it becomes, and I would say sobering.

Few months ago. I was unhappy, I was waiting for my parents to leave for a few days, imagining how easy I would hang myself (partial) and all the suffering would end.

When parents left, I made a loop so that I can sit on a stool and the loop squeezes the neck. I tried this several times in one day. It is very scary to lose consciousness knowing that you will die. But always in the process of losing consciousness, I removed the loop. The last time I got up from my stool and took off the loop at the very last moment, as I almost lost consciousness, my eyes grew dim, my ears were ringing and I heard scraps of voices - this is a classic reaction. BUT the SI is so strong that it is almost impossible to fight with it, it seems like a mixture of shock and strong paralyzing fear.

It is incredibly scary - to lose consciousness in this way, this is not quite falling asleep - it is rather a clouding of consciousness with its further loss.

I was so scared that I gave up the idea of suicide for several months, I thought I'd better hang myself after my mother dies, I felt sorry for her - she has very poor health. Maybe I just subconsciously postponed the date, I don't know. But now I'm back to the idea of suicide again. I tried again not so long ago when my parents were leaving, but the fear was so strong that I didn't even do the loop normally and gave up.

SI is a very strong thing, it can be overcome only by willpower or an incredible degree of despair. Therefore, it is advised to drink benzodiazepines or Xanax to calm down, although it seems to me that SI will break through any sedatives. Now I am serious about messages like it is advisable to turn off the phone and chreck that no one is at home, because SI is so strong that you can ask for help, there are stories when neighbors were knocked at the hotel and asked to call an ambulance.

The fear of the sensation of loss of consciousness when hanging is so strong that I choose sodium nitrite, although it is painful. I choose a low dose of SN up to 10 grams (so that there are no severe side effects), and a sleeping pill to die in my sleep.

Yes, suicidal ideation helps us through many a bad night, but the act itself is incredibly daunting because of the SI and the total finality of the act itself. You're right that it's not like falling asleep despite death being poetically described as sleep.

 

[sadeyesWA]

I couldn't sleep. At 3 I decided enough was enough and now is the time. I got up, got a kitchen knife, went outside and began sawing up and down my left arm. I got deep, all the way from wrist to elbow, but there was hardly any blood. I was both surprised and furious that it wasn't working. At that point someone in the house woke up and everything fell apart. The cops came (they were very nice), I went to the hospital and then psych for 14 days. Now I have an ugly scar reminding me how I fucked up. Never again.

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

About a month ago, I made a half hearted attempt doing partial. I either fell asleep or unconscious for a few moments, then shot awake and immediately struggled to untie the belt around my neck realizing I was on my way to ending my life. Major SI.

It was actually quite terrifying. One reason I would prefer N.

I have hearted attempted last month too, I started fading, and then my mom called me and I had to fight with all my might to undo myself it felt like a life force attacking me and my mom said that her lights started flickering and she wanted to check up on me…

I couldn't sleep. At 3 I decided enough was enough and now is the time. I got up, got a kitchen knife, went outside and began sawing up and down my left arm. I got deep, all the way from wrist to elbow, but there was hardly any blood. I was both surprised and furious that it wasn't working. At that point someone in the house woke up and everything fell apart. The cops came (they were very nice), I went to the hospital and then psych for 14 days. Now I have an ugly scar reminding me how I fucked up. Never again.

I've been a cutter for 21 years. Id morbidly love to see the scar

 

[Brianiskillingme]

I took a large amount of sleeping pills. My marriage had just ended due to him having an affair. I thought I had nothing left to live for. I took the pills and layed down in my bed. I feel off to sleep and was thinking it was over. I woke up later hearing strange eerie noises, music etc. I began hallucinating, seeing people who werent there. ( I was alone). Then I began puking blood. That scared me into calling 911. That was a huge mistake, I ended up in a mental hospital for 10 days.

 

[its-about-time]

Once I decided I was going to kill myself with a friend's handgun. He was out of town but his apartment was above the bar I was in. I had a key to get in. I knew where his guns were. I was going to call 911 then shoot my self in the shower. He wouldn't have to find me and it'd be easy to clean. I felt so calm, happy, peaceful. Drunk—ha. A friend I was at the bar with noticed something was up, I hadn't admitted to anything but she refused to leave me alone downtown and basically forced me in her car. I spilled the beans and went to the hospital the next day with my social worker. Forget how many days or weeks I stayed. Every other near-attempt or attempt has been horribly emotional and scary and awful.

I almost died once, on accident. My throat closed up (choked throwing back a shot of alcohol). I was in a foreign country. Nobody would help me. So I locked myself in the bathroom to try to force myself to cough/breathe (I couldn't breathe whatsoever) and lost consciousness sitting on the floor by the toilet. I remember my last thoughts were "I guess this is how I die" and I just felt really accepting and peaceful. It was almost kinda humorous. My vision faded to black then I woke up coughing like crazy.

 

[giffel]

Decently normal day, was drinking and decided it was time to end it via ODing on propanolol (Doesnt work atleast when the dose is about 2g)

Downed the pills with beer and wrote my note, everything was just surreal with an overwhelming feeling of calmness. Afterwards went to sleep, put my favorite music on and fell asleep fairly certain that I wouldn't wake up tomorrow...

But yeah... I woke up after sleeping for 4ish hours + without being able to move for like half a hour. After that settled I figured that Im just gonna go back to sleep, but psychosis after propranolol od is common ig and I got sent to the psych ward after calling for help since I was seeing shadow people.

The calmness that I felt back then, was very nice. When I decide to CTB next time while hopefully succeeding, I hope I will feel the same

You have seen shadow people too ?
The ones who disappear when you get close to them?

 

[FentIsMyWay]

You have seen shadow people too ?
The ones who disappear when you get close to them?

Well I guess you could say disappear, but not really. I thought they were going to kill me so I just stabbed air close to a doorway and shit for half a hour or so. Disappeared with no trace after I walked through the doorway though

 

[Glowarm]

When I attempted, I had no real thoughts, emotions or feelings. Looking back everything just sorta stopped. Actually, I guess I was relieved and mixed with happiness and some sadness. Definitely the normal anxiety I feel was completely gone and that was amazing. I look forward to feeling that again.

 

[nixdeath]

I was afraid of how my partner at the time (we have since broken up) would think of it. Led me to stop it halfway through.

 

[AnnonyBox]

I spent the day depressed, realizing that no relationship I had mattered, that I had either forced everyone I knoe to stop caring, isolated myself, or chosen people who ultimately didn't care about me. I spent a lot of time blaming myself foe things in my past, and all day the thought kept occuring to me that if I wasn't alive I wouldn't have to deal with any more of this. Tried not to cry all day, then went home, took a shower, pretty much went straight to bed and attempted the night-night method. My vision started to go black and I was feeling light headed. I felt sheer terror and quickly undid the knots. After that I laid in bed and cried until I fell asleep.

 

[Intelligent_Panic99]

I think it was a pretty normal day but I had been thinking about ctb a lot. I honestly don't even remember what I did except maybe go to work. I hadn't eaten and I hand one glass of wine. Then I just kind of fell apart (I can't handle alcohol well) because of some family stuff and I think I disassociated due to the extreme emotional state (I'm bipolar) and I was kind of outside of myself instructing my body to take several handfuls of pills. So it was impulsive I guess. Also it was like it was me - but not me, if that makes sense. Texted my therapist about something else. We sometimes texted between sessions so that wasn't unusual but she picked up on something being up. So I ended up in the psyche ward for about 14 days.