Venting A pathetic rant of someone who WAS privileged

[kopebaldy]

I have very terrible mood swings and anger issues.

The only 2 things that can calm me down are foods and videogames. Pretty much what I'm still alive for really.

I work for a relative, manual labor, 12 hrs a day, no day off, most days with no break. Which sounds harsh but as an unskilled worker in a rural area in a third world country, that's a blessing. And hey, the pay is... okay-ish.

Recently, I caused some serious damage dues to my mental issues. The relative lay down an ultimatum that I either give up my PC to pay for the damage or leave the place.

Which is fair, please understand that they have been more kind to me than anyone ever was and have tolerated my shitty behaviors for far longer than anyone ever should or could.

Please don't hate them, they tried their best, they had to take care of their family while looking after my sorry ass in this economy.

But these days I have nothing left to look forward to after finishing work anymore, staring at the wall until sleep time gets boring real quick lol.

My family had money, I had all the resources, opportunities, connections, and backings anyone could ever ask for to be successful. Yet I ruined them all, screwed up everything given to me.

Now I'm 30, no money, no experience, no future.

My mother is 60 years old, I should be taking care of her, all the money she poured into my future is now down the fucking drains because my dumbass couldn't be fucking normal for once.

And at 60 years old, she returned to work because we don't have much money anymore, all thanks to me. She made a terrible fucking investment of her life saving.

Only thing I know is English learning from videogames, which is fucking useless for anything other than complaining ab shit online.

Mom has enough money to give herself a comfortable retirement, but still lives frugally and works her old bones to the ground for my sake.

If I ctb, she would be blaming herself. If I don't, she would be working until she dies of exhaustion.

I'm tired, pals. I don't know how to get out of this mess that I created for myself. So many people got dragged into this mud with me.

I'm fucking tired, pals.

 

[bankai]

Ah man, that was tough to read. Seems like you have a wonderful mother. I'm sorry. I don't hate you. It seems like you're suffering from some disorders.I understand those compulsions and wanting to act out and being aggressive, et cetera. I am similar myself. And my mother also propped me up the same way.And she was relentless. Just a wonderful, wonderful woman. I would have been dead or ended up in prison a long time ago if not for her.

Since I work an office job and work from home most of the time I don't have to socialize much thankfully.
Now life is good.I've held down my job and slowly worked my way up because I know as long as I'm going to stay alive I'll need it.
Things slowly got better. I hope it gets better for you as well.

 

[kopebaldy]

Ah man, that was tough to read. Seems like you have a wonderful mother. I'm sorry. I don't hate you. It seems like you're suffering from some disorders.I understand those compulsions and wanting to act out and being aggressive, et cetera. I am similar myself. And my mother also propped me up the same way.And she was relentless. Just a wonderful, wonderful woman. I would have been dead or ended up in prison a long time ago if not for her.

Since I work an office job and work from home most of the time I don't have to socialize much thankfully.
Now life is good.I've held down my job and slowly worked my way up because I know as long as I'm going to stay alive I'll need it.
Things slowly got better. I hope it gets better for you as well.

She is, I don't deserve her really.

I'm trying my absolute best to behave and send her some money to ease her life some what, but man... I can never tell when my brain gonna flare up again and the noose over there looking hella sexy lol.

 

[bankai]

She is, I don't deserve her really.

I'm trying my absolute best to behave and send her some money to ease her life some what, but man... I can never tell when my brain gonna flare up again and the noose over there looking hella sexy lol.

You know, I don't really hold this against anyone.I know that erratic behavior you're talking about. I am guilty of it too, and it's just because it's part of our makeup. Compulsions and impulsive behavior.
Sometimes overblown reactions to small things, right?
I understand it, I get it. And I'm sorry. It's just terrible luck.I hate it. I don't want to be like this either. But I am. There you go. And I'm sure you don't want to be. But these are the cards we got dealt with.

 

[Abyss Dweller]

I read your post, but what I want to say is more a reaction to the title:

I don't believe firmly in many things but one that I do: it doesn't matter what your personal struggles are they can't be measured on an objective scale really or even if we can it makes no sense/doesn't do anyone any good.

Your struggles are yours and they can be real and can feel overwhelming regardless of what anyone else thinks. You can still struggle even if you consider yourself privileged and it does NOT make you a bad person.

It's on the lines of "eat your dinner cause there are people starving wherever". This kind of.. advice or I don't know what to call it is the biggest HORSESHIT anyone can say to you.