Venting A lot of nothing I still have to say.

[greyblue_bian]

I didn't think that the aftermath of being cheated on for 2-3 months behind my back would've made this drastic of a change in my behavior, but I can't ignore it anymore and have to admit that I really don't recognize myself at times. I've sext people and I've gone out to a party and hung out with friends outside of my house, and as much as it isn't frequent or much compared to others, my social life is a lot more alive than it has been in a really long time.

After all that "high" after being cheated on, as grateful as I am to have friends now to help me through this, I've grown really tired. I really don't have much incentive other than for the people I care about to live. I can't tell them this obviously, but I plan on CTB later within this year (hopefully). I'm not sure why but everything my ex-boyfriend said and did to me has run me out dry and now I'm just left here with no life energy to do much of anything for myself. It's too exhausting to talk about him anymore or even to think about him sometimes, but he's always in the back of my my mind. I'm sure he's proud of himself for that, though. I loved him and everything he's ever told me and everything good and well he "did" for me was a lie. I have the kind of deep feeling in my chest or my stomach that just seems really hollow and every time I talk about him and I say his name or I see a picture of him, or just think of him or re-read the screenshots I have of our texts it brings up something there almost like it hurts but it's numb or just far away (?) I'm not entirely sure this makes sense. But, I've had this before. And I had just started getting better when I met him. I thought meeting him was some kind of reward. I thought he had saved me from myself. Clearly, that was not the case. I'm just numb and more apathetic now. I want to get better and I am in therapy, but therapy seems to have become somewhat like a drug, where the good feelings only last for a short while and then I'm back to this. Even then, when I'm feeling fine, I still having this feeling in my gut.

I know I shouldn't expect to get better quickly, but somehow, it's already been a little over a month now since I found out he was cheating on me and he left me. I've also seem to have lost my sense of time and time goes fast a lot of the time and slow when I'm really just wanting to be home, alone, and asleep.

 

[anhedonya]

When people go through difficult things, they can go into a sort of a "manic" state (not saying you experienced literal mania, just an example) and generally exhibit harmful or otherwise denial-esque behaviors. Partying and sexting in itself are not denial behaviors, but closely following what you went through, it definitely reads like you went into a sort of hyper-sexual/mania-esque state to try and deal with it all. There's no shame in this, many people have that reaction to trauma- and many go the other way entirely, hating physical touch and finding love itself disgusting. You have done nothing wrong. I'd say because you mentioned crashing so hard after it all, it's likely a very heightened state (manic-esque) that you're coming down from, you went from a high high to a building low low.

I really am sorry for everything that's happened to you. You deserved better and I wish you could've found the love you deserved in him. I hope you can find reasons to keep living someday, you're always a bright light to be around and it's fun knowing you. I believe in you and I know you'll find better partners in the future :(

 

[greyblue_bian]

When people go through difficult things, they can go into a sort of a "manic" state (not saying you experienced literal mania, just an example) and generally exhibit harmful or otherwise denial-esque behaviors. Partying and sexting in itself are not denial behaviors, but closely following what you went through, it definitely reads like you went into a sort of hyper-sexual/mania-esque state to try and deal with it all. There's no shame in this, many people have that reaction to trauma- and many go the other way entirely, hating physical touch and finding love itself disgusting. You have done nothing wrong. I'd say because you mentioned crashing so hard after it all, it's likely a very heightened state (manic-esque) that you're coming down from, you went from a high high to a building low low.

I really am sorry for everything that's happened to you. You deserved better and I wish you could've found the love you deserved in him. I hope you can find reasons to keep living someday, you're always a bright light to be around and it's fun knowing you. I believe in you and I know you'll find better partners in the future :(

Thank you so much for being here for me. You deserved and still deserve a lot better than everything you've gone and are dealing with now. You've been more than kind and I really appreciate you :)