Venting 5 more Months and I’m gone :)

[Bunny Beanie]

For those familiar with me, you know I'm ctb on my birthday which is in 5 months. I have never felt more at peace and happier with my decision!! What a great birthday gift to myself AND my sister would only have to grieve one day out of the year instead of a birth day and a death date. Win win situation. I'm spending money like royalty and using this time like a retired old person ahahah. Trying to enjoy what little there is to enjoy in this world before I meet my peace. Turns out no matter how hard I try to find the joy in little things, there's just nothing for me here. I have to come to peace with that decision so my last 5 months can at least be nice. I want to be nice to myself because after all when I'm dead it's over. Might as well not make me as miserable as possible before I go. I realized being alive is truly not something for me. I will never be able to live my life to the fullest because no matter how hard I try to "heal" from my ptsd… it always wins at the end. Always. I have disorganized attachment. I can't change myself to be a bitch to others even tho everyone in my life deserves for me to smack tf out of them for the way they mistreat me and take me for granted. I suppose that's unfair for me to say since I do advertise like I'm their angel… selfishly I do wish someone would do that above and beyond shit with me. But I know I'll never get it. There's not another me out there and I'm aware. And I can't change who I am. So instead of living out this world that continues to eat me alive, I'm dying out :)! Very relieved !!! Still don't know what my method is gonna be but it will most likely be slitting my throat which will hurt and suck and be long and painful but so was my life. I guess it could be a metaphor. Hanging in the past never worked for me so I can't do that. And no guns for me. Anyways thinking about the sweet end is making me tear up in a good way. My happy ending is finally coming soon!! I've wished for this since I was a kid!!! Let the count down begin!!!

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you'd feel so relieved, I wish you the best of luck, I hope that you find the freedom you search for.

 

[Reuthry]

I wish you peace, I hope you can find what you are looking for. I am also going to ctb soon, after 58 more days and I am free, I hope.