4 weeks of preparation

[Another Day]

Hi my name is Terrell and I live in Houston, Texas. I posted once about using a gun for my method. I've been a nurse for 20 years but had to resign due to my depression and anxiety. I also suffer from OCD. My depression started in high school and has been with me since. I've been on almost all anti depressants along with various mood stabilizers. I've had relief for brief periods of time. I also received ECT treatments and been in multiple IOP's. My mother committed suicide when I was in college. I still feel guilty today for not helping her as I was going to college and working and I didn't have much time to spend with her. Going through depression myself I probably could have picked up some warning signs. I am also an alcoholic and addict. I was clean for 20 years. Being sober and getting my biology and nursing degree was when i was most happy and and comfortable within my own skin. But as of now I am at a point where feeling hopeless and suicidal take up most of my time every day. I'm at the point where I don't want no help. I've had a CTB plan for the last 2 weeks but haven't been able to get out of bed. But I have found a regimen that I think will work for 4 weeks. I chose 4 weeks because I just recently a handgun but I've never shot a pistol. So I am taken private lessons. So the regimen I've been doing that has given me the energy and focus and I don't encourage it but it has worked for me. So I usually drink a 6 pack of beer around 6p. Then at 9p I do 2 lines of meth and then 1 more at midnight. I then take my Seroquel and Klonipin and go to sleep at 5p. I get up at 10a and I can get out of bed without having to lay there awake for another hour. So for 4 weeks I will follow this regimen. After I get up at 10a I will have breakfast and go to the shooting range every day for 2 hours. Hopefully by then I will be comfortable with my gun and I carry out my CTB. I know from being an addict that doing Meth day after day it will lose its effect so I plan on taking a 2 day vacation each week from Meth during these 4 weeks. I realize no plan is fail proof so this may just be a trial and if doesn't work will then I will see where I can make the necessary changes. If you took the time to read this, I thank you very much. I apologize for the length of this thread and I'm not sure if I can mention drug use so if I did something inappropriate I am truly sorry.

 

[Donewiyhitall]

I don't know if you can mention it either but your post was honest and thoughtful. I don't have any insight on your method but, I wanted you to know I read it and hope someone can chime in with some good advice!

 

[Another Day]

I don't know if you can mention it either but your post was honest and thoughtful. I don't have any insight on your method but, I wanted you to know I read it and hope someone can chime in with some good advice!

Thank you

 

[Cant Maintain]

I heard a tale of one dude dry firing in position with a dummy round every night after smoking some weed over and over and over until his date just to make it routine. Just make sure your chamber and mag is clear of live ammunition if you don't intend to actually do it that day. Just as with firing at the range, make sure you are aware of your target and what might be behind it. Don't put anyone else at risk. <3 I wish you the best and I wish I had more to say. I'm sorry its come to you having to be here to talk about your true feelings, but thank you for being honest.

 

[AJ95]

I heard a tale of one dude dry firing in position with a dummy round every night after smoking some weed over and over and over until his date just to make it routine. Just make sure your chamber and mag is clear of live ammunition if you don't intend to actually do it that day. Just as with firing at the range, make sure you are aware of your target and what might be behind it. Don't put anyone else at risk. <3 I wish you the best and I wish I had more to say. I'm sorry its come to you having to be here to talk about your true feelings, but thank you for being honest.

This sounds like a great idea actually.

I've seen more than a few people talk about having trouble overcoming SI to pull the trigger, maybe this would help?

 

[Rockman]

Sorry to hear you have been in such pain for 20 years. A life 40+ years is unimaginable to me. I hope there will be relief. I used to enjoy fishing as well too one of the most calming activities.

 

[Meditation guide]

I also received ECT treatments

I heard good things about that. I have such severe health problems that when I read about someone who can daily put so much into their bodies and still function I am in awe. Anyway I'm happy that you have focus and are learning how to properly use your gun. I wish I had one. Please keep us posted on how you are doing if you like. I admire how you opened up about your situation here and wish you well.

 

[Another Day]

I heard a tale of one dude dry firing in position with a dummy round every night after smoking some weed over and over and over until his date just to make it routine. Just make sure your chamber and mag is clear of live ammunition if you don't intend to actually do it that day. Just as with firing at the range, make sure you are aware of your target and what might be behind it. Don't put anyone else at risk. <3 I wish you the best and I wish I had more to say. I'm sorry its come to you having to be here to talk about your true feelings, but thank you for being honest.

Thank you. I love seeing you in the chat room.

This sounds like a great idea actually.

I've seen more than a few people talk about having trouble overcoming SI to pull the trigger, maybe this would help?

I'm hoping every thing works out. I have the plan but so many things can happen. I might need to start looking into some backup Methods. I enjoy your conversations in the chat room.

Sorry to hear you have been in such pain for 20 years. A life 40+ years is unimaginable to me. I hope there will be relief. I used to enjoy fishing as well too one of the most calming activities.

Thank you Rockman. I enjoy the calmness also, even if I don't catch any fish I still have a good time especially watching the sunrise. I I use to fish twice a week. But over the last 2 years I've only went once. It really makes me sad that I can't enjoy or even have the desire to fish. Hope you have a great day.

I heard good things about that. I have such severe health problems that when I read about someone who can daily put so much into their bodies and still function I am in awe. Anyway I'm happy that you have focus and are learning how to properly use your gun. I wish I had one. Please keep us posted on how you are doing if you like. I admire how you opened up about your situation here and wish you well.

I heard good things about that. I have such severe health problems that when I read about someone who can daily put so much into their bodies and still function I am in awe. Anyway I'm happy that you have focus and are learning how to properly use your gun. I wish I had one. Please keep us posted on how you are doing if you like. I admire how you opened up about your situation here and wish you well.

Thank you meditation guide. My physical health is starting to deteriorate. I might need to go to the shooting range twice a day just in case I don't maintain the focus and energy for 4 weeks. My main worry is what I'm going to do with my dog, she has been such a great companion.