BigTimeLoser
Grew screwed, so I screw up everything
- Mar 6, 2026
- 12
I started to pretend to be alright since I was 6-7 YO.
Got raped when I was about 3-4
And I barely recall some molestation in between 5-8 years old.
Got sexually abused from 9-12
I remember almost anything about my childood.
I had no friends, but pretended I did, to not worry my parents.
I was sent to the elementary school consueling, but never got a diagnosis. Might be because of the friends, might be because of the SA/Neglect/Verbal Abuse; but my parents did not cared, and never followed that up.
I'm the youngest of 4, grew without my dad, he worked out of the city, so I had no full time parent figure.
I became highly functional, and became a parentified child. A very "Mature one"
So I had no serious friends to discuss deep shit, or to open up.
Only the adults that relied on my to vet their issues or ask this "Old Soul" boy advise.
When I arrived to my teens, my mom would leave up to 3-4 weeks w/dad. So no one supervised or took care of me, but had such a meaningless, bored life, and myself having no character or actual persona development, did nothing with such freedom.
Actually felt pretty lonely and not cared, as there was nobody to guide me or check on me.
However I was checking on my brothers and kept "Lecturing" my older brothers, since I was helping my parents while they were gone..
I left town for university, and started drinking, doing hard drugs, and my depression worsened. But the highly functional facade never let me down, welp, to me it did, but never let my parents down. They were really proud, and I guess that was enough for me.
They never visited me, actually I came to visit them, since I did no true friends in that city. I wished for death, or to be robbed and murdered, but never actually made a plan to die, just a couple of times wanted to drive off a cliff or to the sea. When I thought things couldn't got any worse, I got raped again at 19 while stupid high, and fell into a worst major depression. I eventually thought I had aids, lost many pounds and kept sweating cold. Never had the nerve to tell anybody, I was scared to open up because I grew up neglected, verbally abused, and emotionally unsupported so vulnerability was not something to me.
Despite the odds, graduated with honors, and got a job in my town. Got sober, because I thought my unlucky days were over, and then I found love, traveled, proposed and married to the love of my life. Life did got better indeed.
But I never actually healed, I was still under the facade, surviving, with all this weight somewhere in my mind and body.. After some years, the relationship was feeling weary, sexual abuse was taking the toll on my sexual life.
Took Psychiatry support and figured out I had ADD, and the worst ever depression still was there. Antidepressants killed the poor libido I had. So more issues raised, Sexual Anxiety, financial struggle because pills+consueling.. Eventually I fucked up my marriage, got in debt, was working 12+ hours shifts, and always pretended to be alright, always maintained my caring love unconditionally and good centered behaviour until I got burned out and dissociated so hard and kept my shit undisclosed, and lost sanity, got into a trance like shit while taking my boy to bed and I tired to molest my SS. Never in my life thought about that or had any issue with intrusive thoughts about it. 6 years of relationship, of life, the life that kept me alive, to the garbage and lost in 5 seconds. I informed my wife right away and left the house. First I made sure he knew it was not his fault, and told my wife to get him and her good help. Now I am a big piece of shit, a fucking danger to society, and lost everything I managed to get despite the odds.. I lost my beautiful wife and SS.
Everything collapsed, my shitty past, my lovely present and the future I pictured evaporated. I deserve no mercy, no compassion, and to be true, I do not wanted to live since a teen. The only thing that kept me afloat, got fucked up by me. I have no meaning in this world no more.
Got raped when I was about 3-4
And I barely recall some molestation in between 5-8 years old.
Got sexually abused from 9-12
I remember almost anything about my childood.
I had no friends, but pretended I did, to not worry my parents.
I was sent to the elementary school consueling, but never got a diagnosis. Might be because of the friends, might be because of the SA/Neglect/Verbal Abuse; but my parents did not cared, and never followed that up.
I'm the youngest of 4, grew without my dad, he worked out of the city, so I had no full time parent figure.
I became highly functional, and became a parentified child. A very "Mature one"
So I had no serious friends to discuss deep shit, or to open up.
Only the adults that relied on my to vet their issues or ask this "Old Soul" boy advise.
When I arrived to my teens, my mom would leave up to 3-4 weeks w/dad. So no one supervised or took care of me, but had such a meaningless, bored life, and myself having no character or actual persona development, did nothing with such freedom.
Actually felt pretty lonely and not cared, as there was nobody to guide me or check on me.
However I was checking on my brothers and kept "Lecturing" my older brothers, since I was helping my parents while they were gone..
I left town for university, and started drinking, doing hard drugs, and my depression worsened. But the highly functional facade never let me down, welp, to me it did, but never let my parents down. They were really proud, and I guess that was enough for me.
They never visited me, actually I came to visit them, since I did no true friends in that city. I wished for death, or to be robbed and murdered, but never actually made a plan to die, just a couple of times wanted to drive off a cliff or to the sea. When I thought things couldn't got any worse, I got raped again at 19 while stupid high, and fell into a worst major depression. I eventually thought I had aids, lost many pounds and kept sweating cold. Never had the nerve to tell anybody, I was scared to open up because I grew up neglected, verbally abused, and emotionally unsupported so vulnerability was not something to me.
Despite the odds, graduated with honors, and got a job in my town. Got sober, because I thought my unlucky days were over, and then I found love, traveled, proposed and married to the love of my life. Life did got better indeed.
But I never actually healed, I was still under the facade, surviving, with all this weight somewhere in my mind and body.. After some years, the relationship was feeling weary, sexual abuse was taking the toll on my sexual life.
Took Psychiatry support and figured out I had ADD, and the worst ever depression still was there. Antidepressants killed the poor libido I had. So more issues raised, Sexual Anxiety, financial struggle because pills+consueling.. Eventually I fucked up my marriage, got in debt, was working 12+ hours shifts, and always pretended to be alright, always maintained my caring love unconditionally and good centered behaviour until I got burned out and dissociated so hard and kept my shit undisclosed, and lost sanity, got into a trance like shit while taking my boy to bed and I tired to molest my SS. Never in my life thought about that or had any issue with intrusive thoughts about it. 6 years of relationship, of life, the life that kept me alive, to the garbage and lost in 5 seconds. I informed my wife right away and left the house. First I made sure he knew it was not his fault, and told my wife to get him and her good help. Now I am a big piece of shit, a fucking danger to society, and lost everything I managed to get despite the odds.. I lost my beautiful wife and SS.
Everything collapsed, my shitty past, my lovely present and the future I pictured evaporated. I deserve no mercy, no compassion, and to be true, I do not wanted to live since a teen. The only thing that kept me afloat, got fucked up by me. I have no meaning in this world no more.
