Hello,
I just want to share my thoughts, this is my first post. I feel dejected and horrible, my life is a disaster, ,my mindset is complete poison and it is my fault to a large degree. I am tired of the ups and downs, mid 2022 after I fell into a deep hole for over a year due to an event, I set out to change, I did a lot. The reason I feel like writing this is probably because I don''t communicate honestly and openly with regard to my thoughts and feelings. There is too much to tell, as is with anyone's story, to fully illustrate the path I've gone down, but I just need to let loose at the moment. I never really asked for help, some things I was not even able to be open about. I tried to work on that. In 2022, I wanted to fill in the answers where you have to talk about your life - I could not even do it. That year I worked on that, called hotlines, told things to closer people I never had and new people I met. I got better at being open, but it is still not close to enough. I don't want to cry in front of a therapist. When I called these hotlines, I could always hide it. It was good for me to discuss things more, alas, here I am.
I told myself when, that either I have to fix my life until the end of the year or I have to end it. That was on my 28th birthday, December 2022. I told myself the same thing when I was 25, stopped all substances, worked out - tried. Then something happened which completely broke me, I was already broken, but that really brought things to the surface. My way of doing things for a long time was just to push away the pain, this always turned into a strange amalgamation of narcissistic, depressive, indifferent, avoidant and anxious thoughts and behaviors. I got the help of a coach in mid 2022 when I started my recovery attempt, stopped getting angry, completed cold showers, quit weed/coffee/etc, really tried. The first thing he said to me was "You have to be more in the body". I did not understand what he meant, but I understood soon after.
Still I fell back later that year. To be honest, multiple times I have understood and changed certain things, and still managed to regress in the same manner afterwards. On January 4th I made an appointment with a local psychologist, it was an intake meeting. I had been in the hospital before when I was younger, for major depression. We talked for 45 minutes, better yet, I talked. I had brought a spiral notebook so I would not diverge and really say everything I wanted. Even with people like therapists and coaches, I can't really be open, I want to say so many things, but when I am in the situation, I feel the need to make things sound better than they are. Perhaps part of that is that I really feel better talking with someone in that moment, but it is mostly shame I think. When I in the hospital before, few years ago, I was not even capable to talk openly. Even 2022, when I wanted to fill in the questions from the book "Can't hurt me" by David Goggins, I just couldn't.
When I told the psycho everything, she asked me "What kind of family are you from?". My eyes were watering and I did not have an answer, I looked out the window and around the room. She asked me what I felt, I said "I don't know". I removed my glasses and wiped my face with a tissue from a box she push a little closer to me from the edge of the table. Ultimately, she told me that I would not be a good fit for treatment for her, because it would be very expensive per hour if I came there and that she also is more focused on, I forgot how she put it, basically less extensive treatment. She was right and the experience with her was great, she was very dialed down, really listened. I don't know how to describe it, "meek" but in a good, non disparaging way. She told me how to apply for more "specialized care".
She is right about me being controlled. For formal situations and structured dealing I can really function well, presentations too. Anything where the role is clear, I guess. Interpersonally, on a human level, if I don't put anything on, its a different story in a lot of aspects. I can talk well sometimes, but I am also a naive idiot in a lot of ways, more ways than not probably. A counsellors at University who saw my file but never met me was really surprised when I met her for an organisational request. "I expected you to be really different, from your file" - something like that was what she said. I don't do it fully on purpose, its automatic, I can't help it, like it is some kind of fawning behavior. Maybe because that is what I did all my life or maybe its part of who I am.
Who can I be open to ? The few friends that I isolated myself from so much already, who I feel inferior and ashamed in front of for how my life is and how I am ? My parents who will just get sad, worried and hurt, effects I have had enough on them. To be honest I also experienced some unfavorable things in life, but I am also a dysfunctional, delusional idiot who perpetuated his own problems.
The hurt and pain I would bring upon my parents if I CBT is unspeakable, it would completely shatter them forever. Maybe I am lying to myself, but I strongly belied I would do if it were not for them. Trapped. I told myself the same thing when I was 25. Now I realize even more how much it would crush them. I got SN in March of 2023 (plus the other stuff needed) while being on a month long waiting list for the aforementioned "specialized care". It never came to that, because of insurance that I lost later that year, I was on the waiting list. I had a few talks with psychiatrists here.
The ups and downs in-between hope and the unbearable dips are so tiring. The anhedonia from quitting things is hard. Interestingly, when I started to change things around from the deep low in mid 2022, I only realized how fucked up my situation is after the fact. Sometimes I have hop, but there are enough factors which pull me down. The older I get and the more I read and reflected, I understood better why things became like this.
I am 29 years old, a bachelor student, had two exams today - one of which is open to success, the other almost guaranteed failure. They are my last two, I still might fail the project work too. I am in the last round of a job interview. If I would fail that would mean one more year of University. If I fail, do I pretend to have graduated ? Do I end it all ?
There are people I don't even talk to anymore or other I saw on the street that I avoided inconspicuously. Some of them I talked to don't even care about my ''success' or "failure" - I care. They ask me join them, I decline and I feel guilt. They ask me how I am, people say you should share how you feel, really ? Being totally honest every time would not alienate anyone and have them look at you differently ? Maybe its just me.
The sad thing is it really did not have to be this way, I am nothing special, but I have so much more potential than what I am. At work (side-job) someone had a birthday, I had mine on the same day, I did not say anything and hoped no one else would. I feel so fucking bad every time my age comes up. One problem I had is that I really felt like I did not care about anything anymore. People don't understand what its like to give up on so much in life at a very young age, to really lose belief in a lot of things. People use terms like "feeling sorry for oneself". I never understood what that means, yeah its good to not give up, its good to be resilient but what is "feeling sorry for oneself" ? Am I one of the one's complaining ? Is "feeling sorry for oneself" lying to people about how you feel good ? Is "feeling sorry for oneself" being different and having problems you are so ashamed of and pained by you refuse to even acknowledge them yourself, making it worse ? Is "feeling sorry for oneself" going through a series of cascading failures through the years that leave you feeling like a shell of your former self ? Is "feeling sorry for oneself" feeling the pain of people close to you and being unable to do anything about it ?
If you read this far, I hope there was anything that you could get out of it. I did not read any rules or anything, I just dumped this here. I want to contribute to the recovery forum as well, if I feel better. This place get demonized in the media and I don't agree with everything people say here (as with any forum), I also do not feel indifferent about people going down this path, but I really really appreciate this as a place where open discussion without platitudes are possible. If its accepted I can see myself sharing a lot of things here.
Good night, stay safe
I just want to share my thoughts, this is my first post. I feel dejected and horrible, my life is a disaster, ,my mindset is complete poison and it is my fault to a large degree. I am tired of the ups and downs, mid 2022 after I fell into a deep hole for over a year due to an event, I set out to change, I did a lot. The reason I feel like writing this is probably because I don''t communicate honestly and openly with regard to my thoughts and feelings. There is too much to tell, as is with anyone's story, to fully illustrate the path I've gone down, but I just need to let loose at the moment. I never really asked for help, some things I was not even able to be open about. I tried to work on that. In 2022, I wanted to fill in the answers where you have to talk about your life - I could not even do it. That year I worked on that, called hotlines, told things to closer people I never had and new people I met. I got better at being open, but it is still not close to enough. I don't want to cry in front of a therapist. When I called these hotlines, I could always hide it. It was good for me to discuss things more, alas, here I am.
I told myself when, that either I have to fix my life until the end of the year or I have to end it. That was on my 28th birthday, December 2022. I told myself the same thing when I was 25, stopped all substances, worked out - tried. Then something happened which completely broke me, I was already broken, but that really brought things to the surface. My way of doing things for a long time was just to push away the pain, this always turned into a strange amalgamation of narcissistic, depressive, indifferent, avoidant and anxious thoughts and behaviors. I got the help of a coach in mid 2022 when I started my recovery attempt, stopped getting angry, completed cold showers, quit weed/coffee/etc, really tried. The first thing he said to me was "You have to be more in the body". I did not understand what he meant, but I understood soon after.
Still I fell back later that year. To be honest, multiple times I have understood and changed certain things, and still managed to regress in the same manner afterwards. On January 4th I made an appointment with a local psychologist, it was an intake meeting. I had been in the hospital before when I was younger, for major depression. We talked for 45 minutes, better yet, I talked. I had brought a spiral notebook so I would not diverge and really say everything I wanted. Even with people like therapists and coaches, I can't really be open, I want to say so many things, but when I am in the situation, I feel the need to make things sound better than they are. Perhaps part of that is that I really feel better talking with someone in that moment, but it is mostly shame I think. When I in the hospital before, few years ago, I was not even capable to talk openly. Even 2022, when I wanted to fill in the questions from the book "Can't hurt me" by David Goggins, I just couldn't.
When I told the psycho everything, she asked me "What kind of family are you from?". My eyes were watering and I did not have an answer, I looked out the window and around the room. She asked me what I felt, I said "I don't know". I removed my glasses and wiped my face with a tissue from a box she push a little closer to me from the edge of the table. Ultimately, she told me that I would not be a good fit for treatment for her, because it would be very expensive per hour if I came there and that she also is more focused on, I forgot how she put it, basically less extensive treatment. She was right and the experience with her was great, she was very dialed down, really listened. I don't know how to describe it, "meek" but in a good, non disparaging way. She told me how to apply for more "specialized care".
She is right about me being controlled. For formal situations and structured dealing I can really function well, presentations too. Anything where the role is clear, I guess. Interpersonally, on a human level, if I don't put anything on, its a different story in a lot of aspects. I can talk well sometimes, but I am also a naive idiot in a lot of ways, more ways than not probably. A counsellors at University who saw my file but never met me was really surprised when I met her for an organisational request. "I expected you to be really different, from your file" - something like that was what she said. I don't do it fully on purpose, its automatic, I can't help it, like it is some kind of fawning behavior. Maybe because that is what I did all my life or maybe its part of who I am.
Who can I be open to ? The few friends that I isolated myself from so much already, who I feel inferior and ashamed in front of for how my life is and how I am ? My parents who will just get sad, worried and hurt, effects I have had enough on them. To be honest I also experienced some unfavorable things in life, but I am also a dysfunctional, delusional idiot who perpetuated his own problems.
The hurt and pain I would bring upon my parents if I CBT is unspeakable, it would completely shatter them forever. Maybe I am lying to myself, but I strongly belied I would do if it were not for them. Trapped. I told myself the same thing when I was 25. Now I realize even more how much it would crush them. I got SN in March of 2023 (plus the other stuff needed) while being on a month long waiting list for the aforementioned "specialized care". It never came to that, because of insurance that I lost later that year, I was on the waiting list. I had a few talks with psychiatrists here.
The ups and downs in-between hope and the unbearable dips are so tiring. The anhedonia from quitting things is hard. Interestingly, when I started to change things around from the deep low in mid 2022, I only realized how fucked up my situation is after the fact. Sometimes I have hop, but there are enough factors which pull me down. The older I get and the more I read and reflected, I understood better why things became like this.
I am 29 years old, a bachelor student, had two exams today - one of which is open to success, the other almost guaranteed failure. They are my last two, I still might fail the project work too. I am in the last round of a job interview. If I would fail that would mean one more year of University. If I fail, do I pretend to have graduated ? Do I end it all ?
There are people I don't even talk to anymore or other I saw on the street that I avoided inconspicuously. Some of them I talked to don't even care about my ''success' or "failure" - I care. They ask me join them, I decline and I feel guilt. They ask me how I am, people say you should share how you feel, really ? Being totally honest every time would not alienate anyone and have them look at you differently ? Maybe its just me.
The sad thing is it really did not have to be this way, I am nothing special, but I have so much more potential than what I am. At work (side-job) someone had a birthday, I had mine on the same day, I did not say anything and hoped no one else would. I feel so fucking bad every time my age comes up. One problem I had is that I really felt like I did not care about anything anymore. People don't understand what its like to give up on so much in life at a very young age, to really lose belief in a lot of things. People use terms like "feeling sorry for oneself". I never understood what that means, yeah its good to not give up, its good to be resilient but what is "feeling sorry for oneself" ? Am I one of the one's complaining ? Is "feeling sorry for oneself" lying to people about how you feel good ? Is "feeling sorry for oneself" being different and having problems you are so ashamed of and pained by you refuse to even acknowledge them yourself, making it worse ? Is "feeling sorry for oneself" going through a series of cascading failures through the years that leave you feeling like a shell of your former self ? Is "feeling sorry for oneself" feeling the pain of people close to you and being unable to do anything about it ?
If you read this far, I hope there was anything that you could get out of it. I did not read any rules or anything, I just dumped this here. I want to contribute to the recovery forum as well, if I feel better. This place get demonized in the media and I don't agree with everything people say here (as with any forum), I also do not feel indifferent about people going down this path, but I really really appreciate this as a place where open discussion without platitudes are possible. If its accepted I can see myself sharing a lot of things here.
Good night, stay safe
