Introduction/venting. Hoping someone will relate and I'm not entirely alone. English is not my first language.
I graduated last december. One of the best universities in the country, for one of those majors that people say "go for this so you're not jobless." Took a damn long time to graduate because of mental health issues. I was diagnosed with bipolar II in my early twenties but the damage was done. Entered university in 2017, left in 2025. I graduated at a shameful 26 years old.
That alone has filled me with a massive sense of shame and inferiority. It was hard to look at people and talk to them and it would often trigger extreme anxiety and harmful thoughts, so I avoided others. Consequently, I was always alone, and sometimes even disliked for being "snobbish". Things did get better after I was medicated, but I never managed to have that university life people talked about. From start to end I spent all my time alone, and I wish I could at least say I had a meal with a friend once.
After university, there came my (official, grown up person, seeking for stability) job search, way too late in the game compared to my peers. It's failing miserably. My CV is decent (had internships, multiple extra activities), but I'm lacking in experience in the field, which tends to be the biggest barrier entry. It's just rejection after rejection. Often I wake up to rejection e-mails and the day is ruined right there. I don't know what else is wanted from me than what I already have.
Honestly, I'm not passionate about my field. It's just something I did to make money. My family is not well off. So not being able to make money at all is making me tear out my hair and regret all those years. I wish more than anything that I could go back and enjoy my youth. I'm even jealous of people that are just getting into college, like they're experiencing a life I was never able to have. I'm really a terrible person like that, and it's hard to be around others my age because I just feel like a massive failure.
"Go to a good university" done. "Pick something with a high demand" Done. "Ignore your passions for profit" Done. Nothing to show for it. I've had thoughts about self-harm and suicide since I was a child, and I just feel like delaying it made my life worse in many levels. I couldn't stop crying in my birthday.
I want to commit suicide but I'm too scared to. I believe I have a good method in hand and I've already written a letter but the thought of failing is just too scary. It's terrible but I often wish to fall ill or die suddenly just so there's not that "she killed herself" grief, which would make my family question what they did wrong. My parents are good people, hardworking people, and they don't deserve it at all, but I really don't think there's another path for me in life if all I do is struggle and fail.
I don't know how to live with these thoughts anymore. I've gone to therapy and taken meds and I still had those thoughts. I exercise, I eat healthy, I talk to my family, and I still want to die. I don't go out, but I talk to online friends everyday and have a rl best friend that lives a little far away now. I have no issues with my appearance. It took me a long time but I graduated. I'm more social and come out as extroverted to others. I laugh a lot and easily. I know there would be people that would miss me. My parents might never recover.
Still it's such a wasted life. It's all I can think of. I hate even seeing myself in the mirror and I want to cut myself all over. I fantasize for hours at a time of redoing the past ten years of my life. But there's no going back and I feel like there's no tomorrow either. I'm mindlessly signing up for jobs and studying for government exams with no guarantee that anything worthwhile will happen. Honestly knowing me it's for sure a failure.
I just really wish I would pass in my sleep so I had no time to be a coward about it.
I graduated last december. One of the best universities in the country, for one of those majors that people say "go for this so you're not jobless." Took a damn long time to graduate because of mental health issues. I was diagnosed with bipolar II in my early twenties but the damage was done. Entered university in 2017, left in 2025. I graduated at a shameful 26 years old.
That alone has filled me with a massive sense of shame and inferiority. It was hard to look at people and talk to them and it would often trigger extreme anxiety and harmful thoughts, so I avoided others. Consequently, I was always alone, and sometimes even disliked for being "snobbish". Things did get better after I was medicated, but I never managed to have that university life people talked about. From start to end I spent all my time alone, and I wish I could at least say I had a meal with a friend once.
After university, there came my (official, grown up person, seeking for stability) job search, way too late in the game compared to my peers. It's failing miserably. My CV is decent (had internships, multiple extra activities), but I'm lacking in experience in the field, which tends to be the biggest barrier entry. It's just rejection after rejection. Often I wake up to rejection e-mails and the day is ruined right there. I don't know what else is wanted from me than what I already have.
Honestly, I'm not passionate about my field. It's just something I did to make money. My family is not well off. So not being able to make money at all is making me tear out my hair and regret all those years. I wish more than anything that I could go back and enjoy my youth. I'm even jealous of people that are just getting into college, like they're experiencing a life I was never able to have. I'm really a terrible person like that, and it's hard to be around others my age because I just feel like a massive failure.
"Go to a good university" done. "Pick something with a high demand" Done. "Ignore your passions for profit" Done. Nothing to show for it. I've had thoughts about self-harm and suicide since I was a child, and I just feel like delaying it made my life worse in many levels. I couldn't stop crying in my birthday.
I want to commit suicide but I'm too scared to. I believe I have a good method in hand and I've already written a letter but the thought of failing is just too scary. It's terrible but I often wish to fall ill or die suddenly just so there's not that "she killed herself" grief, which would make my family question what they did wrong. My parents are good people, hardworking people, and they don't deserve it at all, but I really don't think there's another path for me in life if all I do is struggle and fail.
I don't know how to live with these thoughts anymore. I've gone to therapy and taken meds and I still had those thoughts. I exercise, I eat healthy, I talk to my family, and I still want to die. I don't go out, but I talk to online friends everyday and have a rl best friend that lives a little far away now. I have no issues with my appearance. It took me a long time but I graduated. I'm more social and come out as extroverted to others. I laugh a lot and easily. I know there would be people that would miss me. My parents might never recover.
Still it's such a wasted life. It's all I can think of. I hate even seeing myself in the mirror and I want to cut myself all over. I fantasize for hours at a time of redoing the past ten years of my life. But there's no going back and I feel like there's no tomorrow either. I'm mindlessly signing up for jobs and studying for government exams with no guarantee that anything worthwhile will happen. Honestly knowing me it's for sure a failure.
I just really wish I would pass in my sleep so I had no time to be a coward about it.
