irregularreconcile
i'm such a coward; these wretched things i do
- Jun 15, 2023
- 65
Christmas makes me an angry beast. So does everything else that I never consented to existing in my brain, but... today has shown itself to be a challenge.
I'm honestly finding it harder to stay alive now. I know I can't CTB anytime soon, but the peace of knowing my date isn't really applicable anymore. I constantly need to distract myself before I explode far before my peaceful death.
I've been doing these journal entries on SS for a while now, and I am truly thankful I have this community to blurb everything to, where I'm not criminalized for literally fucking dying anymore.
It's hard, though. I thought I was starting to do good. I thought my meds might have "fixed" me, for a brief moment, and then everything crashed down today in full force. I cried and screamed to my partner, expressing that nobody can know what is happening in my mind, but it's horrible. This is no longer bitterness for this time of year, but full on hatred. I despise every single person who gets to spend time with their family this year for the holidays. I honestly wanted to kill someone this morning and wreck the house, I was so angry, but I at least know to have some resolve for this.
It's truly reaching a breaking point, though, and I'm not sure how to describe the feelings of it anymore. There is a speck of relief, knowing I can be seen truly suffering, but it's in no way equal to the amount of bite I have in me. I'm distancing again, tired, cynical.
On a slightly, weird positive note, I go back to work again tomorrow for the first time in almost a year. I'm not physically or mentally well enough to survive a job, but I have to die trying anyways so me and my partner can live on our own, and we can have food. I'm nervous and a little excited, but namely nervous now.
There's so many things I have to discuss, and I wish I could offer more support in the community right now-- I'm sorry I'm not really well enough to do that right now. Despite that, I am endlessly thankful for being able to speak here. Thank you all.
I'm honestly finding it harder to stay alive now. I know I can't CTB anytime soon, but the peace of knowing my date isn't really applicable anymore. I constantly need to distract myself before I explode far before my peaceful death.
I've been doing these journal entries on SS for a while now, and I am truly thankful I have this community to blurb everything to, where I'm not criminalized for literally fucking dying anymore.
It's hard, though. I thought I was starting to do good. I thought my meds might have "fixed" me, for a brief moment, and then everything crashed down today in full force. I cried and screamed to my partner, expressing that nobody can know what is happening in my mind, but it's horrible. This is no longer bitterness for this time of year, but full on hatred. I despise every single person who gets to spend time with their family this year for the holidays. I honestly wanted to kill someone this morning and wreck the house, I was so angry, but I at least know to have some resolve for this.
It's truly reaching a breaking point, though, and I'm not sure how to describe the feelings of it anymore. There is a speck of relief, knowing I can be seen truly suffering, but it's in no way equal to the amount of bite I have in me. I'm distancing again, tired, cynical.
On a slightly, weird positive note, I go back to work again tomorrow for the first time in almost a year. I'm not physically or mentally well enough to survive a job, but I have to die trying anyways so me and my partner can live on our own, and we can have food. I'm nervous and a little excited, but namely nervous now.
There's so many things I have to discuss, and I wish I could offer more support in the community right now-- I'm sorry I'm not really well enough to do that right now. Despite that, I am endlessly thankful for being able to speak here. Thank you all.
