I was at 90% but loved ones and med increase brought that down to like a 50%, I still think of it every hour of every day but I'm waiting for a holiday to Japan in November which I promised family I'd stay for.
I tentatively chose life 'for now', I'm in this weird place of trying to recover enough to actually make it to Japan and enjoy it, but I'm scared to recover too much as I still want to CTB at some point soon lol. My BPD episodes can cause me to really fall into a big suicidal mess too so that's there. I'm terrified to try a new med which I know will help me, because part of me doesn't want to be helped almost, like stuck in a limbo of well enough to not want to kill myself, but still suffering.
Unless you've already attempted in which case ignore me, I also think people aren't taking into account SI. A lot of people think they are SO ready but SI can be a real pain and we can't know how we'll react in the moment when we eventually are standing there/sitting there about to take our own life, or if we'll panic after we've done the action to end our life.
