Discussion Your Thoughts Please - Early Childhood Trauma, neglect and Wanting to CTB

[HadEnough1974]

So I'm wondering the following...

Do you feel like you wanting to CTB has to do with early childhood trauma?

When I say trauma, it need NOT be as severe as sexual or physical abuse.

Neglect, constantly moving, bullying, divorce of parents, family conflict, drug abuse by parents and so much more can also cause trauma which later on in adulthood can lead to mental health issues.

So again, the question is: Do you think that your wanting to CTB today may be linked somehow to your childhood experiences? Feel free to share your story.

 

[LittleJem]

Hello @HadEnough1974 thank you for this invitation to share our stories, and also for this interesting question. It feels helpful to reflect on this. I'm trying to get functional enough to research more drugs/treatments and get a few tasks done.

Regarding my suicidality, I used to think it was my childhood trauma. I spent years trying to "heal" my childhood, spending thousands on therapy and self-development workshops. I used to work in the charity sector (so not well paid) and sometimes I would have no money for shoes, but would spend £80 an hour on therapy. During this time, I was hoping for a magic therapy, a magic moment, a magic transformation. I look back on this time as naive, as now I feel my mental illness is probably genetic. My mum indeed had her own mental illness issues (which are different from mine). I do have trauma from that, but I now believe my constant suicidal ideation and misery is due to my genes rather than trauma.

Regardless, it was only last year I read that childhood trauma can cause mental illness (ie in my head because it was trauma it was "curable" but in reality, it was not curable.

I am beginning to wonder if it is curable with MDMA - but that might be wishful thinking. I had one of the most beautiful experiences of my life last weekend on MDMA, and I felt that if I went back into my childhood while on MDMA, and with a good therapist or good friend, this would reset my brain. I don't know if that's true or not, but I would love to try it. Even if it did not cure my depression, it would still be an amazing experience to go back and to heal all of that trauma. It's currently being licensed by the DEA for trauma - and here is just one article on its potential: https://www.psychotherapynetworker....rprising-clinical-benefits-of-mdma-for-trauma and there is more out there online. Saying that, I don't think it will cure my depression, but I am still wishing for a magic answer. I also had Ketamine, and it did help so much for nearly a week - and now my depression is back again and I can't stop crying.If I have any hope, it might be that MDMA can help my trauma, and then if I am lucky, anti-depressants or other anti-depressant supplements will work better. That is my number 1 dream really - not a cure, but to reduce the amount of misery in the foundations of my mind.

My trauma is less than many - it was growing up with a mum who is a compulsive hoarder, was emotionally abusive and neglectful, didn't give me any guidance or empathy. She would call me the "devil incarnate", not give any guidance or empathy or upbringing as such, and would scream at us, mixed with telling us she loved us. Her house is filthy - I cleared maggots of the kitchen when I was 14, and was told "you made this mess." Everything was blamed on me - that I hadn't loved her enough and that I had betrayed her (which I hadn't) with the members of my dad's family (my dad having left when I was little). She would constantly say "you are such a selfish girl" and also that I had "ruined" her marriage and also that she would say to me, "your father doesn't love you enough." Which was all really painful. When I had trouble in my social group at school, I didn't tell her, and also when I got my period. She said to me, "no wonder you don't have any friends, you're such a horrible girl." She had heard from someone else and I was shocked she knew. It was pretty constant fear and discomfort. I always knew she was not right in the head, but the words stuck and sunk in. It was scary and confusing, but I went numb and into survival mode, and felt responsible for my family. Weirdly, the less numb I have become and the less defended, the less angry - the less I can go into survival mode. I also think my depression gets worse as I get older.

She wasn't all bad - she brought me up with art and literature and theatre and I am grateful for all of that, and can set my boundaries with her better now. I once told her (when I was a hippie) that she is my "greatest" teacher. As I had to learn to set boundaries with her - and I used to believe that we came into this lifetime to learn "lessons" we hadn't learned in a previous one. I don't believe in that stuff anymore. When I was a kid, I used to intuitively believe we choose our parents before we are born - as our soul does - and now I don't buy that stuff. Even though when I am on drugs, I believe it again. I have forgiven both my parents, which took many years - but it doesn't cure my depression. Also, I can see it was not my mum's fault - she was not well.

I get suicidal thoughts from the second I wake up to when I go to sleep, occasionally it gets better at 10 pm or 11pnm. Then the next day the same again. The fact that I have found nothing that helps it so far, not therapy and not anything else, it always stops working after two weeks. So I think my brain has factory settings and it just resets to misery no matter what I do...

Back to my research of supplements and drugs in any case :) Hope you are having an okay evening (or even a good one, if that is possible for us all, which hopefully it is sometimes...)

 

[Backwood_tilt]

The Adverse Childhood Experience studies address exactly this topic, and i'd encourage everyone to go out and read about it.

Here are some excerpts from relevant papers:

RESULTS:
Logistic regression analyses indicated that physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, parental incarceration, and family history of suicidality each increased the risk by 1.4 to 2.7 times for suicidal ideation and suicide attempts in adulthood. The accumulation of ACEs increased the odds of suicide ideation and attempts. Compared with those with no ACEs, the odds of seriously considering suicide or attempting suicide in adulthood increased more than threefold among those with three or more ACEs. <SOURCE>

RESULTS:
More than half of respondents reported at least one, and one-fourth reported > or = 2 categories of childhood exposures. We found a graded relationship between the number of categories of childhood exposure and each of the adult health risk behaviors and diseases that were studied (P < .001). Persons who had experienced four or more categories of childhood exposure, compared to those who had experienced none, had 4- to 12-fold increased health risks for alcoholism, drug abuse, depression, and suicide attempt; a 2- to 4-fold increase in smoking, poor self-rated health, > or = 50 sexual intercourse partners, and sexually transmitted disease; and 1.4- to 1.6-fold increase in physical inactivity and severe obesity. The number of categories of adverse childhood exposures showed a graded relationship to the presence of adult diseases including ischemic heart disease, cancer, chronic lung disease, skeletal fractures, and liver disease. The seven categories of adverse childhood experiences were strongly interrelated and persons with multiple categories of childhood exposure were likely to have multiple health risk factors later in life. <SOURCE>

The ACEs included in the study were (1) psychological abuse; (2) physical abuse; (3) sexual abuse; (4) emotional neglect; (5) physical neglect; (6) witnessing violence against a mother or other adult female; (7) substance misuse by a parent or other household member; (8) mental illness, suicide attempt, or suicide death of a parent or other household member; (9) incarceration of a parent or other household member; and (10) parents' separation or divorce.

Researchers found that:

• Men who had experienced four or more ACEs and women who had experienced two or more ACEs had significantly increased risk of attempting suicide at least once, compared to members of each sex with no ACEs.
• Men and women who reported having a parent or relative with mental illness were more likely to have attempted suicide than those who did not.
• Men who had experienced childhood emotional neglect were more likely to have attempted suicide than those who had not.
• Men and women who had experienced childhood sexual abuse were more likely to have attempted suicide multiple times compared to those who had not. <SOURCE>

The rest of the literature goes on to address (individually) some of the experiences you described, but overall i'd say the answer to your question is "Yes".

 

[MachinaArcana]

Domestic violence pretty much non stop during my childhood years.
I have an early memory of my father standing on the balcony while having an argument with my mother (we lived on the 17th floor at the time) with me and my brother, threatening to throw both of us off the balcony, then kill my mom, and then himself. He was dead calm, and seemed dead serious, too.
Countless times I've seen my mom take a knife out of the drawer to defend herself as he was about to beat her up again for the umpteenth time. I tried to defend her, but got smacked around, punched and beaten.
Abused while in catholic school - not raped - but fondled, inspected, by some 50+ year old pig.
The fact that at age 48 I'm still around is a small miracle. But I'm happy my ctb date is set for next week.

It's been a wonderful life, indeed.

 

[mesohappy]

Nah, I had a pretty good childhood.Other than both parents working and being home alone a lot..My problems didn't seem to start until my mid teens. Went through some stressors,plus that whole awkward stage of dealing with becoming an adult and struggling to figure the world out.I guess when I figured it out,thats when I became depressed.First saw the psychotherapist and got meds at 20 years old.

 

[Backwood_tilt]

home alone a lot..

Were you well socialized? I was left alone alot as well and this messed me up.

 

[S1mpleme]

Definitely I think so. Not going to tell everything about my childhood, but at least the fact that whole my life I live alone makes me to CTB. I mean who wants to have life like this? You don't have parents, brother or sister. You don't have dinner together, holidays, nothing. You can just look at other families and dream about a day to be part of it.

 

[mesohappy]

Were you well socialized? I was left alone alot as well and this messed me up.

Yeah,I had friends in school and in the neighborhood,that I played with(and got into a lot of mischief with).Reading some of the posts on this site about what some of you guys went through in your childhoods..Man I couldn't imagine.Almost makes me feel guilty for whining about my own depression and problems.

 

[Backwood_tilt]

Almost makes me feel guilty for whining about my own depression and problems.

Nah, don't let that get to you. I ended up being very well socialized and have a very good circle of friends and confidantes. So even i feel blessed in that way, compared to some of the stories i've read.

We're a pro-choice board, right? It doesn't matter what your reason is. If its good enough for you than its good enough, period.

 

[Secrets1]

Hello @HadEnough1974 thank you for this invitation to share our stories, and also for this interesting question. It feels helpful to reflect on this. I'm trying to get functional enough to research more drugs/treatments and get a few tasks done.

Regarding my suicidality, I used to think it was my childhood trauma. I spent years trying to "heal" my childhood, spending thousands on therapy and self-development workshops. I used to work in the charity sector (so not well paid) and sometimes I would have no money for shoes, but would spend £80 an hour on therapy. During this time, I was hoping for a magic therapy, a magic moment, a magic transformation. I look back on this time as naive, as now I feel my mental illness is probably genetic. My mum indeed had her own mental illness issues (which are different from mine). I do have trauma from that, but I now believe my constant suicidal ideation and misery is due to my genes rather than trauma.

Regardless, it was only last year I read that childhood trauma can cause mental illness (ie in my head because it was trauma it was "curable" but in reality, it was not curable.

I am beginning to wonder if it is curable with MDMA - but that might be wishful thinking. I had one of the most beautiful experiences of my life last weekend on MDMA, and I felt that if I went back into my childhood while on MDMA, and with a good therapist or good friend, this would reset my brain. I don't know if that's true or not, but I would love to try it. Even if it did not cure my depression, it would still be an amazing experience to go back and to heal all of that trauma. It's currently being licensed by the DEA for trauma - and here is just one article on its potential: https://www.psychotherapynetworker....rprising-clinical-benefits-of-mdma-for-trauma and there is more out there online. Saying that, I don't think it will cure my depression, but I am still wishing for a magic answer. I also had Ketamine, and it did help so much for nearly a week - and now my depression is back again and I can't stop crying.If I have any hope, it might be that MDMA can help my trauma, and then if I am lucky, anti-depressants or other anti-depressant supplements will work better. That is my number 1 dream really - not a cure, but to reduce the amount of misery in the foundations of my mind.

My trauma is less than many - it was growing up with a mum who is a compulsive hoarder, was emotionally abusive and neglectful, didn't give me any guidance or empathy. She would call me the "devil incarnate", not give any guidance or empathy or upbringing as such, and would scream at us, mixed with telling us she loved us. Her house is filthy - I cleared maggots of the kitchen when I was 14, and was told "you made this mess." Everything was blamed on me - that I hadn't loved her enough and that I had betrayed her (which I hadn't) with the members of my dad's family (my dad having left when I was little). She would constantly say "you are such a selfish girl" and also that I had "ruined" her marriage and also that she would say to me, "your father doesn't love you enough." Which was all really painful. When I had trouble in my social group at school, I didn't tell her, and also when I got my period. She said to me, "no wonder you don't have any friends, you're such a horrible girl." She had heard from someone else and I was shocked she knew. It was pretty constant fear and discomfort. I always knew she was not right in the head, but the words stuck and sunk in. It was scary and confusing, but I went numb and into survival mode, and felt responsible for my family. Weirdly, the less numb I have become and the less defended, the less angry - the less I can go into survival mode. I also think my depression gets worse as I get older.

She wasn't all bad - she brought me up with art and literature and theatre and I am grateful for all of that, and can set my boundaries with her better now. I once told her (when I was a hippie) that she is my "greatest" teacher. As I had to learn to set boundaries with her - and I used to believe that we came into this lifetime to learn "lessons" we hadn't learned in a previous one. I don't believe in that stuff anymore. When I was a kid, I used to intuitively believe we choose our parents before we are born - as our soul does - and now I don't buy that stuff. Even though when I am on drugs, I believe it again. I have forgiven both my parents, which took many years - but it doesn't cure my depression. Also, I can see it was not my mum's fault - she was not well.

I get suicidal thoughts from the second I wake up to when I go to sleep, occasionally it gets better at 10 pm or 11pnm. Then the next day the same again. The fact that I have found nothing that helps it so far, not therapy and not anything else, it always stops working after two weeks. So I think my brain has factory settings and it just resets to misery no matter what I do...

Back to my research of supplements and drugs in any case :) Hope you are having an okay evening (or even a good one, if that is possible for us all, which hopefully it is sometimes...)

Hi Littlegem, a lot of things in your post resonated with me. Evisceration of the ego by a parent is traumatic as hell but living in a state of victimization is not healthy, I like your perspective.

How do you feel after last weekend's MDMA experience? Can you please explain any positive or negative effects in detail? Did you get what you wanted out of it? How much did you take?

I am leaning towards microdosing this week. Tried to maintain my brain health + avoided psychedelic drugs so I could tackle future obstacles but everything has gone to shit and I'm now thinking outside the box. A traumatic brain injury instigated my recent depression and suicidal behavior, this is what I am attempting to treat, however I also have some acute trauma related to sex and other crappy experiences that are analogous to what you described. I desperately need to find a new lens to view my life through and positive experience to springboard that. Do you have any thoughts or advice based on your own experience? This will be my 1st time meeting molly :)

 

[Backwood_tilt]

....

Trying to externalize the pain. Too bad it only lasts for a few minutes.

you should probably put it in a spoiler and put a Trigger Warning for folks who are susceptible.

 

[MachinaArcana]

you should probably put it in a spoiler and put a Trigger Warning for folks who are susceptible.

fair enough, deleted the post.

 

[TAW122]

I think it is a factor, certainly. However, there are far more things that have gone wrong in my life as well as my disgust for what the world is (and also that I'm being pressured and shamed into conforming with it). I would say if anything, the bullying and stuff may be a reason, but it would be very minor, if at all. I have many other reasons including the ongoing permanent problem of Aspergers and autism that cripples my day to day life, heart breaking incidents that push me a bit past my limit, my own inner struggles that continue to get worse, and more.

 

[LittleJem]

How do you feel after last weekend's MDMA experience? Can you please explain any positive or negative effects in detail? Did you get what you wanted out of it? How much did you take?

Hey - I put a post re MDMA in the recovery thread and namechecked you

 

[IvanK]

Yes, I can trace my suicidal nature to my childhood. I grew up with an alcoholic father. There was constant domestic violence against my mother. Almost 3 times a week. We used to live in constant fear every night. That was for almost 13 years of my childhood.

He left us when I was 14. After he left it was poverty. My mom couldn't get a job. We had almost no money. Sometimes we didn't have money to eat.

I was also constantly bullied at school.

Inspite of all that I was a straight A student. I used to be very confident and happy. Made it to a prestigious university through hardwork. I used to be pretty confident about my future.

It was only at the university that I realized how different I was from other kids who had good parenting. There is a quote, "the fool didn't know it couldn't be done and he did it".
I feel like I was that fool. I just didnt realize how pathetic my situation was until I went to the university.
I developed anxiety and depression. My grades fell for the first time in life. That was 10 years ago. I still suffer from depression. I no longer talk to my father. My mom died. But still I feel like I am a prisoner of my past.
I cannot make friends or keep them.
Recently I came across something called ACE score. ACE stands for Adverse Childhood Experiences. My score is 6. Anyone with a score greater than 4 are 19 times more likely to commit suicide than a normal person if I remember correctly.
Another important thing I understood is that ACE and the associated trauma is likely to be inherited by kids if i choose to have them. And I think its true. I am sure I wouldn't be able to raise a kid properly. So I have decided never to have any kids.
You can learn about ACE by searching for "10 things to know about Adverse Childhood Experiences" on YouTube.

 

[Final Escape]

It wasn't the only factor but it was a major one.

 

[¡!¡!¡!]

I was abused. Many things would have been different if i weren't

 

[Abaigh]

It wasn't the entire reason but It definitely made it worse

 

[faust]

Certainly, yes. But it might be just a top of the iceberg.
However, if my parents wouldn't be so toxic, I wouldn't be who I am now.
It is always much easier to beat a child and deprive him/her of everything instead of looking for the reasons which caused his/her unwanted behavior.
It is very traumatic for a kid when he/she hears a yell towards himself and never hears from parents that he/she is loved or noone give him/her a hug.
It is always convenient to say that a child is a loser and he/she will never reach anything
It is always great to compare him/her to other kids which have love, attention, freedom and just everything they want while he/she has nothing.
If my parents ever cared about my mental health, there would be a better chance to make the clock tick again and possibly live a normal life.
But it is too late.

 

[HadEnough1974]

Hello @HadEnough1974 thank you for this invitation to share our stories, and also for this interesting question. It feels helpful to reflect on this. I'm trying to get functional enough to research more drugs/treatments and get a few tasks done.

Regarding my suicidality, I used to think it was my childhood trauma. I spent years trying to "heal" my childhood, spending thousands on therapy and self-development workshops. I used to work in the charity sector (so not well paid) and sometimes I would have no money for shoes, but would spend £80 an hour on therapy. During this time, I was hoping for a magic therapy, a magic moment, a magic transformation. I look back on this time as naive, as now I feel my mental illness is probably genetic. My mum indeed had her own mental illness issues (which are different from mine). I do have trauma from that, but I now believe my constant suicidal ideation and misery is due to my genes rather than trauma.

Regardless, it was only last year I read that childhood trauma can cause mental illness (ie in my head because it was trauma it was "curable" but in reality, it was not curable.

I am beginning to wonder if it is curable with MDMA - but that might be wishful thinking. I had one of the most beautiful experiences of my life last weekend on MDMA, and I felt that if I went back into my childhood while on MDMA, and with a good therapist or good friend, this would reset my brain. I don't know if that's true or not, but I would love to try it. Even if it did not cure my depression, it would still be an amazing experience to go back and to heal all of that trauma. It's currently being licensed by the DEA for trauma - and here is just one article on its potential: https://www.psychotherapynetworker....rprising-clinical-benefits-of-mdma-for-trauma and there is more out there online. Saying that, I don't think it will cure my depression, but I am still wishing for a magic answer. I also had Ketamine, and it did help so much for nearly a week - and now my depression is back again and I can't stop crying.If I have any hope, it might be that MDMA can help my trauma, and then if I am lucky, anti-depressants or other anti-depressant supplements will work better. That is my number 1 dream really - not a cure, but to reduce the amount of misery in the foundations of my mind.

My trauma is less than many - it was growing up with a mum who is a compulsive hoarder, was emotionally abusive and neglectful, didn't give me any guidance or empathy. She would call me the "devil incarnate", not give any guidance or empathy or upbringing as such, and would scream at us, mixed with telling us she loved us. Her house is filthy - I cleared maggots of the kitchen when I was 14, and was told "you made this mess." Everything was blamed on me - that I hadn't loved her enough and that I had betrayed her (which I hadn't) with the members of my dad's family (my dad having left when I was little). She would constantly say "you are such a selfish girl" and also that I had "ruined" her marriage and also that she would say to me, "your father doesn't love you enough." Which was all really painful. When I had trouble in my social group at school, I didn't tell her, and also when I got my period. She said to me, "no wonder you don't have any friends, you're such a horrible girl." She had heard from someone else and I was shocked she knew. It was pretty constant fear and discomfort. I always knew she was not right in the head, but the words stuck and sunk in. It was scary and confusing, but I went numb and into survival mode, and felt responsible for my family. Weirdly, the less numb I have become and the less defended, the less angry - the less I can go into survival mode. I also think my depression gets worse as I get older.

She wasn't all bad - she brought me up with art and literature and theatre and I am grateful for all of that, and can set my boundaries with her better now. I once told her (when I was a hippie) that she is my "greatest" teacher. As I had to learn to set boundaries with her - and I used to believe that we came into this lifetime to learn "lessons" we hadn't learned in a previous one. I don't believe in that stuff anymore. When I was a kid, I used to intuitively believe we choose our parents before we are born - as our soul does - and now I don't buy that stuff. Even though when I am on drugs, I believe it again. I have forgiven both my parents, which took many years - but it doesn't cure my depression. Also, I can see it was not my mum's fault - she was not well.

I get suicidal thoughts from the second I wake up to when I go to sleep, occasionally it gets better at 10 pm or 11pnm. Then the next day the same again. The fact that I have found nothing that helps it so far, not therapy and not anything else, it always stops working after two weeks. So I think my brain has factory settings and it just resets to misery no matter what I do...

Back to my research of supplements and drugs in any case :) Hope you are having an okay evening (or even a good one, if that is possible for us all, which hopefully it is sometimes...)

Please take the time to watch this and let me know if any of it resonates with you.

His name is John Bradshaw and he's the author of a book called "homecoming."



I saw this when I was 20, I'd really put things into perspective for me. I would like to start a discussion about his methods. Perhaps start a small group and make it into something bigger.

The Adverse Childhood Experience studies address exactly this topic, and i'd encourage everyone to go out and read about it.

Here are some excerpts from relevant papers:







The rest of the literature goes on to address (individually) some of the experiences you described, but overall i'd say the answer to your question is "Yes".

Please take the time to watch this and let me know if any of it resonates with you.

His name is John Bradshaw and he's the author of a book called "homecoming."



I saw this when I was 20, I'd really put things into perspective for me. I would like to start a discussion about his methods. Perhaps start a small group and make it into something bigger.

Domestic violence pretty much non stop during my childhood years.
I have an early memory of my father standing on the balcony while having an argument with my mother (we lived on the 17th floor at the time) with me and my brother, threatening to throw both of us off the balcony, then kill my mom, and then himself. He was dead calm, and seemed dead serious, too.
Countless times I've seen my mom take a knife out of the drawer to defend herself as he was about to beat her up again for the umpteenth time. I tried to defend her, but got smacked around, punched and beaten.
Abused while in catholic school - not raped - but fondled, inspected, by some 50+ year old pig.
The fact that at age 48 I'm still around is a small miracle. But I'm happy my ctb date is set for next week.

It's been a wonderful life, indeed.

Please take the time to watch this and let me know if any of it resonates with you.

His name is John Bradshaw and he's the author of a book called "homecoming."



I saw this when I was 20, I'd really put things into perspective for me. I would like to start a discussion about his methods. Perhaps start a small group and make it into something bigger.

Yes, I can trace my suicidal nature to my childhood. I grew up with an alcoholic father. There was constant domestic violence against my mother. Almost 3 times a week. We used to live in constant fear every night. That was for almost 13 years of my childhood.

He left us when I was 14. After he left it was poverty. My mom couldn't get a job. We had almost no money. Sometimes we didn't have money to eat.

I was also constantly bullied at school.

Inspite of all that I was a straight A student. I used to be very confident and happy. Made it to a prestigious university through hardwork. I used to be pretty confident about my future.

It was only at the university that I realized how different I was from other kids who had good parenting. There is a quote, "the fool didn't know it couldn't be done and he did it".
I feel like I was that fool. I just didnt realize how pathetic my situation was until I went to the university.
I developed anxiety and depression. My grades fell for the first time in life. That was 10 years ago. I still suffer from depression. I no longer talk to my father. My mom died. But still I feel like I am a prisoner of my past.
I cannot make friends or keep them.
Recently I came across something called ACE score. ACE stands for Adverse Childhood Experiences. My score is 6. Anyone with a score greater than 4 are 19 times more likely to commit suicide than a normal person if I remember correctly.
Another important thing I understood is that ACE and the associated trauma is likely to be inherited by kids if i choose to have them. And I think its true. I am sure I wouldn't be able to raise a kid properly. So I have decided never to have any kids.
You can learn about ACE by searching for "10 things to know about Adverse Childhood Experiences" on YouTube.

Please take the time to watch this and let me know if any of it resonates with you.

His name is John Bradshaw and he's the author of a book called "homecoming."



I saw this when I was 20, I'd really put things into perspective for me. I would like to start a discussion about his methods. Perhaps start a small group and make it into something bigger.

Certainly, yes. But it might be just a top of the iceberg.
However, if my parents wouldn't be so toxic, I wouldn't be who I am now.
It is always much easier to beat a child and deprive him/her of everything instead of looking for the reasons which caused his/her unwanted behavior.
It is very traumatic for a kid when he/she hears a yell towards himself and never hears from parents that he/she is loved or noone give him/her a hug.
It is always convenient to say that a child is a loser and he/she will never reach anything
It is always great to compare him/her to other kids which have love, attention, freedom and just everything they want while he/she has nothing.
If my parents ever cared about my mental health, there would be a better chance to make the clock tick again and possibly live a normal life.
But it is too late.

Please take the time to watch this and let me know if any of it resonates with you.

His name is John Bradshaw and he's the author of a book called "homecoming."



I saw this when I was 20, I'd really put things into perspective for me. I would like to start a discussion about his methods. Perhaps start a small group and make it into something bigger.
So it's 4 am and I need to sleep. John Bradshaw first appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show when I was about 20. She had so many interesting people on her show. She saved my life. Of the methods and teachings of John Bradshaw resonates with you, I'd like your input. Give me feedback please. Thank you, im off to bed.

 

[Throwmyselfaway]

My first memory is of a black eye my dad gave my mom. I was 3 and we were at Disney. Much physical abuse. I got more of the psychological and emotional abuse. Saw therapist yesterday and actually diagnosed me with PTSD from it. Slam a door and see me run and hide! I'm 39 and I will hide. Add this with depression and anxiety my head is a mess.

 

[Razor's Edge]

I had early childhood trauma due to religion. This caused major PTSD. I was forced to go to a Christian school from kindergarten to 12th grade. I had to have church 2 times a week. We had family devotion. And to top it off they had a Christian bookstore in our house. I have Always been suicidal since I was in 4th grade, but I didn't have the strength to cut my wrists enough. the store sold terrifying books and comics.
We were allowed to read the comics. However, they were full of horror.
I read one that traumatized me for life. There was this woman, strapped to a table. She had her mouth pried her mouth open and dripped water into her mouth so she was forced to swallow. They proceeded to make her swallow this fabric, it had metal fibers in it. When it got to her belly, knowing she was very pregnant, by the way, and they proceeded to rip the fiber from her stomach, killing the baby and ripping all of her insides. Then they showed these were priests and then they burned her at the stake as a witch, What horror for a 6 year old to see.

This, Alone gave me PTSD.

However, I have had Many life experiences that have also caused more PTSD.

I hope this answers your question.

 

[faust]

Please take the time to watch this and let me know if any of it resonates with you.

His name is John Bradshaw and he's the author of a book called "homecoming."



I saw this when I was 20, I'd really put things into perspective for me. I would like to start a discussion about his methods. Perhaps start a small group and make it into something bigger.


Please take the time to watch this and let me know if any of it resonates with you.

His name is John Bradshaw and he's the author of a book called "homecoming."



I saw this when I was 20, I'd really put things into perspective for me. I would like to start a discussion about his methods. Perhaps start a small group and make it into something bigger.


Please take the time to watch this and let me know if any of it resonates with you.

His name is John Bradshaw and he's the author of a book called "homecoming."



I saw this when I was 20, I'd really put things into perspective for me. I would like to start a discussion about his methods. Perhaps start a small group and make it into something bigger.

Please take the time to watch this and let me know if any of it resonates with you.

His name is John Bradshaw and he's the author of a book called "homecoming."



I saw this when I was 20, I'd really put things into perspective for me. I would like to start a discussion about his methods. Perhaps start a small group and make it into something bigger.

Please take the time to watch this and let me know if any of it resonates with you.

His name is John Bradshaw and he's the author of a book called "homecoming."



I saw this when I was 20, I'd really put things into perspective for me. I would like to start a discussion about his methods. Perhaps start a small group and make it into something bigger.
So it's 4 am and I need to sleep. John Bradshaw first appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show when I was about 20. She had so many interesting people on her show. She saved my life. Of the methods and teachings of John Bradshaw resonates with you, I'd like your input. Give me feedback please. Thank you, im off to bed.

Thank you, when I have power, I will watch the video

 

[mesohappy]

I had early childhood trauma due to religion. This caused major PTSD. I was forced to go to a Christian school from kindergarten to 12th grade. I had to have church 2 times a week. We had family devotion. And to top it off they had a Christian bookstore in our house. I have Always been suicidal since I was in 4th grade, but I didn't have the strength to cut my wrists enough. the store sold terrifying books and comics.
We were allowed to read the comics. However, they were full of horror.
I read one that traumatized me for life. There was this woman, strapped to a table. She had her mouth pried her mouth open and dripped water into her mouth so she was forced to swallow. They proceeded to make her swallow this fabric, it had metal fibers in it. When it got to her belly, knowing she was very pregnant, by the way, and they proceeded to rip the fiber from her stomach, killing the baby and ripping all of her insides. Then they showed these were priests and then they burned her at the stake as a witch, What horror for a 6 year old to see.

This, Alone gave me PTSD.

However, I have had Many life experiences that have also caused more PTSD.

I hope this answers your question.

That was those "Chick publications" comics,The "Alberto" series,huh? I saw/read all of those too!

 

[Tired_M]

Childhood trauma is one of the main reasons I'm so suicidal (because I think I deserve to die).

Basically, I've been abused several times, and I thought it was a normal thing, so I abused someone else in return. I was 7 or 8 back then. And even though I was just a kid, traumatized by my own abuse, I just want to be dead when I think about what I've done.

 

[Talokin]

Childhood trauma can also occur in a home with:
-2 "stable", highly educated parents (who both work in mental-health adjacent fields)
-plenty of healthy food, vacations, and fully-funded college fund
-children are regularly complimented
-no physical violence, no substance abuse (heck, barely any substance USE)

This was my home.
In my mind, there is no reason for me to be extremely miserable.
Have been writing about wanting to die since 1989.

My parents hate each other.
A close family friend was an active pedophile.
It was all covered up.
By high-profile lawyers.

I hate myself in a way that is not even real.
I can easily list my positive traits.

I will write a short suicide-note for the first responders who find me - explaining that my death is truly a blessing to the world.
There will be no note for my "family". Just a statement declaring there be NO ceremony or rememberance around my death.

My existence shall be erased from earth's memory.

Trust me. This isn't me feeling sorry for myself. My mother has recently declared me a white supremacist Nazi. (even though I've only ever voted Democrat, am Jewish, pro-choice, etc....

 

[HadEnough1974]

Hello and I totally agree, dysfunction can be hidden from view. I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I'll write more when I have some time. Hugs

 

[make1wish]

Yes, those experiences you mention are part of the puzzle that's you. But could there be other things contributing as well? Absolutely. We each uniquely interpret and make sense of life. If you;re wondering about it maybe this means you have some desire not to commit suicide. It's within your ability if youre in a good psychotherapy situation to put those pieces together and understand reduce the pain you have now, if that's something you want for yourself.

 

[Talokin]

Not wondering about the other factors.

Have actively known about them for over 2 decades.

I'm extremely sensitive. Physically and emotionally.

Have engaged in an Extremely large amount of therapeutic interventions (traditional, non-traditional, "lifestyle changes".)

I have recently been labelled a NAZI by my family. I used to consider myself "the most liberal person in the room". And I'm usually within 3 hours of NYC. So, well....not a lot of KKK members here. This wouldn't be such a big deal - except for the fact that my family is thoroughly aware that I've been completely isolated from social interaction for over 5 years. So, even if I had become a Nazi, I'm afraid to go outside. Not much Nazi-ing gets done by a person who can barely manage to shower once/week.


Wanna hear what happened last time I tried to get a therapist?
I was again criticized by the woman for being too "conservative". (she was a friend of my family.....it wasn't my choice. I engaged with her to avoid getting locked up).

Also...I'm at the point where I have no income, can barely walk, and am about to have my 10th consecutive birthday with zero social interaction.

Yes, those experiences you mention are part of the puzzle that's you. But could there be other things contributing as well? Absolutely. We each uniquely interpret and make sense of life. If you;re wondering about it maybe this means you have some desire not to commit suicide. It's within your ability if youre in a good psychotherapy situation to put those pieces together and understand reduce the pain you have now, if that's something you want for yourself.

 

[HadEnough1974]

Not wondering about the other factors.

Have actively known about them for over 2 decades.

I'm extremely sensitive. Physically and emotionally.

Have engaged in an Extremely large amount of therapeutic interventions (traditional, non-traditional, "lifestyle changes".)

I have recently been labelled a NAZI by my family. I used to consider myself "the most liberal person in the room". And I'm usually within 3 hours of NYC. So, well....not a lot of KKK members here. This wouldn't be such a big deal - except for the fact that my family is thoroughly aware that I've been completely isolated from social interaction for over 5 years. So, even if I had become a Nazi, I'm afraid to go outside. Not much Nazi-ing gets done by a person who can barely manage to shower once/week.


Wanna hear what happened last time I tried to get a therapist?
I was again criticized by the woman for being too "conservative". (she was a friend of my family.....it wasn't my choice. I engaged with her to avoid getting locked up).

Also...I'm at the point where I have no income, can barely walk, and am about to have my 10th consecutive birthday with zero social interaction.

I'm so sorry for all that you're going through. I'm sure you're not a nazi. However, the idea that there are no nazis in New York... let me see... where is Donald trump from again?