Discussion Your strangest reason for CTBing?

[Notmadeforthislife]

I don't want to finish my degree. I have ADD so studying is honestly living hell for me, especially without my overpriced medication. I've recently come to the realization that I don't even want to take the path that I'm halfway through.

I have ADD, too. I hate it. It's a curse. My whole life is a mess. At home I'm surrounded by all the chaos I create. I can't keep things organized and everywhere I look there are unfinished tasks or things I never started to begin with. I can hardly remember anything. I can't stay focused. I feel worthless and I basically hate myself. I can't take stimulants, because they've caused me to have psychosis. I don't have any hope of anything changing for the better.
Despite my ADD I managed to finish my degree, but it was all for nothing. I couldn't function in the first job I got and I resigned, because I couldn't handle the stress.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

I'm too lazy to work so I won't get money and I won't survive. I don't even want to finish my education. I'm "lazy" but basically just tired of life. Tired of living, fed up with humanity and the whole system that the worlds works on. I hate it here

Many people use laziness as a euphemism for depression...

 

[Nymph]

Many people use laziness as a euphemism for depression...

Yes, I have depression but my whole life I've just been called lazy. It's now imbedded inside my head. Oh it's not depression, it's just laziness.

 

[coreofanapple]

The house I live in looks and smells awful.

That's not the main reason, but it doesn't help my mood when I feel like I live in a gross flophouse.

 

[InterstateFlowers]

• I'm not beautiful. I don't like the way I look. I know it makes me sound terrible and narcissistic and that I obsess over my looks everyday and I'm sorry but it's just something that's constantly disappointing whenever I look at myself in the mirror. I'm ugly. I'm living life vicariously through a perfect image of myself and that's getting me through the day. Every night, I dream of another life where I'm transported to a world where I can design myself with super detailed character creation and I can just look how I want to exist. I know exactly how I want to look and I just dream of a day where I can wake up to that
• I'm sensitive. It feels like in this world I need to have tough skin to survive. I care about what people say. I get hurt too easily like a child. In terms of maturity, I feel like a kid with a lollipop and everyone's at college even though I'm in college and drive and work. I'm stupid and I hate it. The dirtiness and cruelty of the world just gets to me. It makes me want to cry because I can't do anything and people are suffering yet I want to die.
• Growing old freaks me out. I don't ever want to live long enough to experience it.
• edit: Rabies!! My greatest fear is getting rabies and I won't be allowed to die when symptoms start showing. It's literally nightmare fuel. I live in a first world country and in a suburban area so it's not likely for me to get it but thinking about getting rabies makes me want to shoot myself.

 

[Apathy's Girl]

At this point I think I'm addicted to the idea of dying. Is there a 12 step program for that.

 

[lostangel]

I want to see what's on the other side or even if there is one.

 

[Huntfish34]

I can't say it's really Strange... But kinda like what others have said... I just have a Genuine hatred for myself ,. The hopeless, worthless... And the numerous resentments I can't just seem to fucking " Let Go and Accept ". Like most other people can.

A constant, daily, and Ongoing battle with my own mind,. Feels almost as if I'm dead already. I'm Sick,. What can I say ..

 

[GoneGoneGone]

I saw this question posted a while ago and after a couple of days it hit me...
Being a woman. In a relationship. And working.
I basically had to be waxed, with my hair done, and had my mani pedi done all the time, more for my partner than for myself. We worked around the same place, but if we had to be there by 9, I'd wake up at 6 to shower, put my clothes, do my make-up, have some breakfast, whereas he'd wake up at 8.20, put some perfume on, pull some jeans and grab some bread... So yeah
Then we'd get home and he'd start watching whatever documentaries, and I would start my second shift to cook, clean, and do laundry.
And at work, I always had to look impeccable due to the nature of my job, and work many hours to receive good evaluations. So eventually I prioritized the job and let the relationship go bit by bit...

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

like coreofanapple said, shitty living conditions. everybody leaves their trash outside, which is a field day for rats. also, the walls are thin as hell, so you can hear someone's party or some stupid argument whether you want to or not.

 

[AfraidofEverything]

Strangest reason for me is probably because I'm lonely and fear the future where I won't even have my family and be fully alone. I find myself wishing for some close friendships so I won't have to face things alone or at least have someone to talk to.

Honestly though, I'm with the others that said too lazy to live. I just think of all the problems I have and it seems like so much work so I'd rather just die than deal with it. I wish I was more motivated and didn't feel so tired all the time. Seems no matter how active I try to be or how much stuff I get done I feel like my body moves in slow motion. That and constant anxiety..

 

[ThatOneGuy]

I don't enjoy living my life. There's little objectively wrong with it, and what there is i probably could put in the effort to fix. I just don't want to. I'm lazy and suicide the easy way out. Life's a hassle for what I get out of it.

 

[Anthagonos]

Several different things

• Not being financial independent and depending of an employeer. This sucks because I dont like to work for money and less like selling my time to others. They employ you to earn money.
• Not being temporal independent. I would like to do whatever I would like with my time. I hate going to work a specific amount of hours and in a specific range of time.
• Lack of sex and not having a girlfriend.
• Getting older.
• To be in contact with my mom. I dont like the way she thinks and I have to be constantly in contact with her.
• Don't win the lottery. The last year I had a strong intuition about specific details about the lottery. I wasn't determined. After that I saw how my intuition was correct and I would be able to win some million euros.
• To be an average person.
• Doing everyday the same.
• Don't eat and sport the way I would like.
• To be with average people
• Don't be able to develop projects I have spent several years researching.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

A few years ago I once had extremely intense suicidal thoughts just because I was a minute late to a bus that I needed to get in that would have taken me to a dinner at a restaurant with my family and a family friend that I wasn't even that familiar with. I do see the irony of wanting to CTB for not being able to catch a literal bus though . For some reason I felt so useless and incompetent just because I missed this bus that was going to take me somewhere I had no strong feelings for going to. While waiting for the next bus, I mulled over seriously running into traffic hoping it would take my life but decided against it since I was in a fairly crowded downtown area and cars were not going fast enough at all to kill anyone.

I ended up showing about 15 minutes late after catching the next bus but nobody cared since people were still ordering when I got there. Of all the times I've ever considered taking my own life, this was definitely the dumbest reason.

 

[braketimez]

i have other bigger reasons, but the fact my hair is thinning (diffuse thinning) is actually contributing to me wanting to get it over with sooner.

Besides my more serious reasons... I just don't want to mow my lawn anymore.

This is valid.

 

[Serenity]

My breasts. I hate having breasts - they are very disturbing for me. They don't look like they belong on my body, I have felt this way since I hit puberty. I really want to get them removed, but I'm scared of being rejected by society for not conforming to their expectations of me.

 

[GoneByTomorrow]

Nowadays, literally anything, it could be as insignificant as raining on the day I was intending to go to the beach.

I just can't be bothered to live anymore, it's overwhelming.

 

[Circles]

-My biggest ''strange' reason is just how boring and repetitive life is. People might agree and understand it on SS but anywhere else in real life or online people think having a boring life isn't a good enough reason to kill yourself. But having anhedonia is hell and what's the point of life if you can't find any enjoyment to make up for all the emptiness you feel?

-Screen addiction- Because of how fucking boring and empty my life is especially since I don't enjoy anything I have to resort to spending a portion of my time in front of a screen either tv of using my phone. There's no 'living' for me I literally feel I exist just to spend the majority of my time either asleep or looking at a screen. I've tried to somehow stop or shorten my time using the tv and internet but no matter what I do nothing can pass the time or fill the void as much as tv or the InternetI. Another thing is that I believe it's a silent epidemic how it's everywhere and everyone is addicted to it to some extent. Like for example I hate spending the only quality time I have with my family while they only want to do is watch tv or fiddling on their phone like it's all they want to do it's depressing as fuck. Also i think it's a reason why relationships and friendships are harder to make nowadays and people are even shallower. And to top it off it's only going to get worse in the future as technology advances I'm afraid it'd be like something from Black Mirror or Wall-E. At this point I somewhat wish screens never existed.

-Not having my own land. I hate living so close to people and not feel like I can go out simply walk around whenever and wander around wherever I wanted or something.

-Overpopulation/urbanization and all the problems that come with it. I hate the destruction of nature and the lifeless concrete jungles built over them and whatever nature is left over is being exploited, commercialized and monetized all for profit. I hate how there's no wild places to run away from civilization or people in general. Plus climate change, etc. etc. I believe it's a one reason as to why depression rates are skyrocketing cause of how detached modern civilization is from nature.

-Numerous fears- fear of darkness, death of others, being inside too long, etc.

-How my favorite subject which is history is full of suffering and is always depressing as fuck to learn the more I get older understanding just how fucked life was and still is because of what's happened in the past.

 

[Gamja]

Lack of purpose.
My death will be of no importance and in vain. I ctb because of a project I'm no longer part of, though it's one of many reasons it definitely plays a huge factor. It's crazy how obsessed I am- it's strange and laughable, isn't it? A writer/artist wrote a story for me to draw, then later changed their mind and didn't find a good match in me. Like a singer that was eager to sing the song a singer-songwriter friend wrote for them but the friend wanted to sing it themselves at the end.
I'm a tortured artist that lost their ability to feel pleasure since that incident. Drawing and painting was all I had.
No one understands or actually knows me.

 

[LonelyNick]

Mine is kinda strange too, I have to wait a full year for a simple procedure. I've been in pain daily since January, no pain killers, I lost a 100lbs and I'm about to loose my job. Lost my partner, many friends and so much more. I hate everything and want to die

 

[Mr2005]

My reason is strange. I didn't set up an email address and join a forum. Not until it was too late. I'd be fine now if I had. It's absolutely tragic. The easier it was to fix the worse it is that I didn't. I have no excuses and deserve to die

 

[BPD Barbie]

Aside from my main concerns I guess a contributing factor is my hair has started falling out.

 

[TheQ22]

Mine is kinda strange too, I have to wait a full year for a simple procedure. I've been in pain daily since January, no pain killers, I lost a 100lbs and I'm about to loose my job. Lost my partner, many friends and so much more. I hate everything and want to die

100 llbs - Jesus that's a lot.

 

[LonelyNick]

100 llbs - Jesus that's a lot.

Yup, 100lb since January. Clothes don't fit me, I have 0 energy and I'm cold all the time.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I can't stand making decisions about food & eating @_@ It just never ends. So many opportunities to make a wrong decision every single day.

I can relate.

 

[Painless_end]

Because I don't want to face "life" anymore.

I guess that's not strange, if anything that's probably the most normal CTB reason.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

Aside from my main concerns I guess a contributing factor is my hair has started falling out.

I've had this problem for years, it is very unpleasant.

 

[TheQ22]

Yup, 100lb since January. Clothes don't fit me, I have 0 energy and I'm cold all the time.

Just out of interest, how much do you weigh now? I mean you haven't lost 50% plus of your original body weight I hope? If you have, no wonder you feel awful.

 

[LonelyNick]

Just out of interest, how much do you weigh now? I mean you haven't lost 50% plus of your original body weight I hope? If you have, no wonder you feel awful.

I was at 265 in January, I'm at 155 currently. I didn't exercise more, I didn't change my diet. I'm just puking everything I eat.

 

[Smellanie]

Hmm I guess that all my jobs involved cheating up literal shit. I've worked 2 dog kennel jobs, petco, and now I'm a janitor. It really fucks with my head that my only worth in this world is cleaning up crap left by others lol. So worthless