Football, no joke, i mean, it's far from a true reason tbh, but most of my actual reasons to ctb are things i wouldn't consider strange, so this is the closest that i can actually write in a "strangest reason for ctbing" thread.
Like, i'm typing this immediately after we lost a final to a rival, for like, the 3rd time in a row or something, conceding a goal at the very end.
The last finals gave me the same exact feeling too, in the last one i had to desperately take a bunch of antidepressants even tho i knew their effect wasn't immediate, i just needed something.
Like, i know it might sound really dumb, so please don't judge, i'll try to explain, i understand it's stupid, but it makes me miserable exactly because i know it's something that doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things, football, supporting a team and such.
Because, like, this is something that to me could bring me joy if it went my way, so when it consistently goes in a way that actively seems to try to make me miserable, like, it feels like there is a God and he despises me or something, cuz the feeling i get is "Not even something so meaningless can go the way i want it to, even the smallest thing just has the obligation to make me sad everytime", it gives me that feeling, and it's a very awful one.
Today was an especially crappy day, because classes have returned, college is back, so the main trigger to my depression, anxiety and panic attacks is back, i'm hating it, and also today i tried fapping and felt no pleasure at all (sorry if this was disgusting to read to anyone, i know i'm a degenerate pervert fuck, but i thought it was important to point this out for context), so i think i've just lost one of my main coping mechanisms that gave me some pleasure in the middle of so much emptyness, so like, i knew this final would happen today, and i thought to myself "Hey, if we win this time, i think i'm going to feel happy, there's something that i can see possibly making me happy!", only to lose *again*, in the last minute *again*, to our main rivals *again*, so pretty much, for it to go as wrong as it could possibly go... *again*...
It feels like an orchestraded sick joke, like absolutely nothing can go right, not even the most meaningless thing, i can only imagine how the actually meaningful things are going to go...
