Discussion Your path to suicide.

[Mike]

I need to know.

What exactly has been crushed, destroyed, abandoned or forsaken to make you think that to rid yourself of your life is the only choice? What have you been through? What have you been fighting? And why can't you see yourself defeating it?

I'm kinda lost and very very curious.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

[Deleted member 847]

I could tell you about my mother, about my bullies, but that's really just crap I tell myself to further justify my main reason. If I loved this world I could easily take the violence and humiliation and work hard to get a decent place in society when I'm independent. But no, I hate this world and I find it repulsive. I hate its mechanics: I hate living in a competitive predator vs prey world, I hate lying and playing a character just to not be "weird" or be socially acceptable, I hate social hierarchies, I hate governments, I hate disease, pain, psychological pain, I hate being underestimated or being judged by my credentials, I hate economies, I hate corruption, I hate genetics, getting old basically everything. I don't even think this is all we get, I think there's good evidence for the continuation of consciousness after death, even if most of it is testimonial evidence. Therefore there's no point for me to be here. Society or friends/family might tell you to don't do it bla bla but if you're smart enough you can see through their bullshit and understand they don't want to save you, they want to save themselves from some kind of personal inconvenience. If I'm wrong, if this shithole is really all we get, then there's no point to delay the inevitable.

The only way a pro lifer can save me is by changing society and the laws of the universe

 

[Mike]

I could tell you about my mother, about my bullies, but that's really just crap I tell myself to further justify my main reason. If I loved this world I could easily take the violence and humiliation and work hard to get a decent place in society when I'm independent. But no, I hate this world and I find it repulsive. I hate its mechanics: I hate living in a competitive predator vs prey world, I hate lying and playing a character just to not be "weird" or be socially acceptable, I hate social hierarchies, I hate governments, I hate disease, pain, psychological pain, I hate being underestimated or being judged by my credentials, I hate economies, I hate corruption, I hate genetics, getting old basically everything. I don't even think this is all we get, I think there's good evidence for the continuation of consciousness after death, even if most of it is testimonial evidence. Therefore there's no point for me to be here. Society or friends/family might tell you to don't do it bla bla but if you're smart enough you can see through their bullshit and understand they don't want to save you, they want to save themselves from some kind of personal inconvenience. If I'm wrong, if this shithole is really all we get, then there's no point to delay the inevitable.

The only way a pro lifer can save me is by changing society and the laws of the universe [/QUOTE

Thank you for your time and your reply.

 

[Anarchy]

Similar here. Hate all governments. All governments. Wish for total anarchy. I have violent, intrusive thoughts that would land me in jail if I acted on them. If I ever speak seriously about planning suicide again in real life, I'd be sectioned indefinitely. Section 3: half a year but after that it'd be a year-at-a-time section.
I want to become a notorious criminal a lot of the time. Don't feel guilty about my thoughts. If I talked openly around anyone, they'd lock me up, either in a pysch ward or in prison.
Also extremely paranoid due to being sectioned and just generally being disturbed by authority. Wanted to die the whole time I was sectioned: I was offended; isolated.
Bullied in primary school. Bullied a bit in secondary but mainly isolated. That was because I'm quiet. I barely speak. I'm often so anxious that I physically can't speak - I'm practically mute.
Only ever had two friends. One was self-centered and gave half-hour monologues about herself or gossiped about others.
Dislike most people. Think most people are fake.
Insensitive, offensive parents who threaten to have me sectioned and argue with me a lot and blame me for not getting better.
No friends. No pet. Twin sister but not close at all. And her dog is vicious.
The only person who has ever made a proper effort with me was someone who I worked with in secondary school. They were amazing and I loved them and they were so understanding about everything. Not even a friend - they ignored me a lot for their friends - but I would have died for them. They treated me equally and seemed so caring and concerned and understanding...
If they were part of my life, then I would not want to leave. But they are ignoring me. Just like everyone else.
It's the long holidays so I spend every day in my room playing video-games or staring at a wall or pacing or crying or researching suicide.
I hate phone calls, post, and visitors; I'm always convinced that it'll be the police about my browsing history, come to put me away. So paranoid all the time.
Absolutely no-one to speak to, properly. My daily interaction involves my mum asking me about food and drink and practical stuff and me replying. Haven't enjoyed a conversation in months. The only person I felt comfortable with was the one from school who couldn't care less about me, and who I will never see again.
I'm tired all the time. Always wanted to be an author; now all of my imagination is about violence and suicide rather than stories. Used to love books. When I was younger, I was convinced that I could be paralysed and still live a good life, so long as I could read. Can't read any more - too much effort and energy.
Really want to play guitar - also too much energy. And what's the point in forcing hobbies on myself when I'm always going to be miserably isolated to the point where it's so torturous that I want to die?
I can't speak unless spoken to, as a general rule, and no-one makes the effort with me. I have no-one.
Apart from myself. I love myself. But I'm just not enough. There needs to be someone else who cares, but no-one does. Barely even look at me.
I can't live with the isolation, and the apathy and frustration and anger towards me, and the lack of respect. I can't live my life consciously filtering everything I say so I don't get locked up, on the rare occasion that people speak to me. I can't live with the memories of my old self, and have to deal with the fact that I will never be that person again, and that I ruined that amazing kid's life that was so full of potential. That no-one will ever know who I am, and that no-one will be like me again, so no-one will ever know what it would be like to have me around. That my potential life can never, ever be recreated. I can't live with the memory of the only person I can relate to and love and care about, knowing that they are just a memory and that they will never be a part of my life again. I can't live knowing that I can't ever replace that person, and that I will always be ignored for being practically mute.

 

[JustDie]

Constant loneliness and the feeling of regret and failure every time something mildly bad happens in my life will eventually lead to me killing myself.
I just feel too lonely while trying to find friends throughout the internet and in real life, and I always feel like they don't value the friendship as much as I do, which most of the time is true. My whole life I have been lonely with no friends, and that was terrible, and when I realized that a couple of years ago that I was a lonely fuck with no way of getting friends, I became depressed, then I got hooked out by fake friends for a couple of years. During the time, it didn't feel like fake friends but the way they have departed me so suddenly has shown that they are just fake friends, and so after that I became lonely and depressed again. 2 years ago I had decided to try to talk to other people for once and to get out of my shell, and I did, and I found lots of other fake people. People that I would talk to but they wouldn't talk back to me, people that would just say lol back to me when I tried to start a conversation, people that just didn't like talking to me. That was pretty much all of the people I found, and now I'm here.
During these two years of trying to find people, it has been getting worse and worse. Pretty much lost all of my personality, motivations and will to life and to continue life, and hobbies. Now I am just stuck here trying to find something to distract myself from life as I plan my final moments. Every time I have a little bit of time, I have the urge to kill myself, the need, and this happens quick, in 0.25 seconds I go from bored on youtube to fucking end my life I hate this shit so much. It's a terrible way to live and I need a exit, which would be death.

 

[Final Escape]

Multiple abortions in my 20's, financial problems, poverty, lack of friendships and partner, social isolation, complex ptsd, no meaning to justify the suffering. Tired of surviving but not really living and not having anything to live for. Life was over years ago but my body hasn't got the memo yet.

 

[Makhlebite]

Please stay. You hold infinite potential.

That is an extraordinary claim. It requires extraordinary evidence.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

I need to know.

What exactly has been crushed, destroyed, abandoned or forsaken to make you think that to rid yourself of your life is the only choice? What have you been through? What have you been fighting? And why can't you see yourself defeating it?

I'm kinda lost and very very curious.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Where are you at Mike ?

When would you draw the line ?

I watched my parents go out very slowly with cancer .

I'm not a fan of stoically riding out the last painful moments , days , years ...

I'm a flip flopping possible bipolar ... life time depression 'recovering' alcoholic ...
( spiritual / social trauma ... medicated with booze , and from what I read here I had it easy , compared to pharma medicine ... but thats a moot point , at the thirty year mark )

Social isolation and being emotionally unavailable in company left me in a pit with no desired exit apart from THE exit .

A lack of faith in humanity , bullying fatigue ( yet another philistine telling me to shape up and wave the flag and love it ... so taxing that that is the caliber of the consciousness we are all surrounded by .)

I find myself prochoice but veering towards 'recovery' which around here is a little offensive for some .

i know I find it a bit offensive when I'm on the 'other side' , in shadow , eclipsed , or , as it feels : real.

I just saw an old acquaintance down the street by the same name and thought I'd say hi .

Also - I approve of your avatar .... :)

https://www.paulchefurka.ca/LadderOfAwareness.html

when I'm in shadow , this stuff ( linked above ) is senseless muck . 2day it's sort of ok.


edit to add :

i find the best thing for me is acceptance of my suicidal state of mind,

i like it here because I don't have to pretend it isn't how I feel .

It is a relief.

 

[Final Escape]

That is an extraordinary claim. It requires extraordinary evidence.

Right? It's a nice thing to say but the reality is most people never realize their full potential and I would say it has a lot to do with government influence. When the best interest of individuals is considered more important than the collective then I think more people would not go to waste. As of now we claim to care about children but many children are not being treated as if their best interests really matter.

 

[Tomasnil]

I need to know.

What exactly has been crushed, destroyed, abandoned or forsaken to make you think that to rid yourself of your life is the only choice? What have you been through? What have you been fighting? And why can't you see yourself defeating it?

I'm kinda lost and very very curious.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Its not my only choice i just hate living i cant find anything positive with living.
Material things dont make me happy.
The love i need dont exist. No one is that dumb and desperat. So to me its not my only choice but it ia the best one.

 

[millefeui]

Check my post history if you are interested. There is a thread like this every other day.

But in short, I never liked this life, this world and reality. Everything is so boring and lifeless. Couple that with my distaste towards the malice that comes from humans, plus gender/sexuality/self image issues and the result is myself wanting to die since I was just a kid.

I'd like to be an anime person (girl, I don't want to ever be male) someday. If this is truly impossible then I can only hope for nonexistence.

 

[millefeui]

Please stay. You hold infinite potential.

Oh, you are one of those.

 

[deathwish]

Thank you all for your time and your replies.

Please stay. You hold infinite potential.

Literally how dare you?
What kind of nerve...lack of feeling lack of interest lack of research lack of empathy and presence of ego of gall of ignorance

You don't understand? then read. Why did you make this thread. Blatantly there's a ton of them, asking after our reasons, and you make one, you read a few answers, only to reply with two sentences that dismiss us. I'm curious how you can justify yourself. Curiosity isn't an answer for your behavior.

 

[RainAndSadness]

Thank you all for your time and your replies.

Please stay. You hold infinite potential.

 

[Panda]

Its not my only choice i just hate living i cant find anything positive with living.
Material things dont make me happy.
The love i need dont exist. No one is that dumb and desperat. So to me its not my only choice but it ia the best one.

I think it's a very strange feeling coming to the conclusion that it's not your only option but still the one you want to take, right?

 

[tourmaline]

I doubt anyone here needs to hear any more bullshit about how it gets better. Go be dumb somewhere else please.

 

[Tomasnil]

I think it's a very strange feeling coming to the conclusion that it's not your only option but still the one you want to take, right?

Its better then not knowing

 

[millefeui]

I think it's a very strange feeling coming to the conclusion that it's not your only option but still the one you want to take, right?

Believe it or not, there are plenty of options worse than death. In theory I have many, many options, but I still choose death, since none of the options will get me any closer to what I desire.

Then again no one knows what death truly is, other than a body stopping functioning... If there is more than that, of course.

 

[Severen]

Believe it or not, there are plenty of options worse than death. In theory I have many, many options, but I still choose death, since none of the options will get me any closer to what I desire.

Then again no one knows what death truly is, other than a body stopping functioning... If there is more than that, of course.

Who knows what the fuck happens to everyone after they die. Maybe your soul will travel to another universe where everything looks like anime.

 

[Panda]

Yeah I can't say I believe in anything more, consciousness is born from the brain, not a soul or anything like that. I was just saying it's a very weird feeling, emotionally, to know that despite there being other "options" death is still the one I choose. Dunno how I ended up here but eh it hurts to think about too much.

 

[PsychoPyro]

I need to know.

What exactly has been crushed, destroyed, abandoned or forsaken to make you think that to rid yourself of your life is the only choice? What have you been through? What have you been fighting? And why can't you see yourself defeating it?

I'm kinda lost and very very curious.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Chronic pain. God damnit chronic pain.

 

[Nicoller]

I have a different perspective (but probably not) I survived 2 serious attempts 6yrs ago. I was in intensive care for a week after each attempt.

Those attempts were 100% impulsive. When you are in that moment of utter dispare, pain, ..I can't even describe the feeling, but you see nothing & think nothing. When you want to kill yourself in that moment, thinking about friends, family, pets, whatever, doesn't stop you. The only thing that will stop you is if someone psychically stops you, or you survive.

It feels weird to be planning my suicide now. When the other two attempts where just impulsive acts. What has brought me to this point? Declining mental health care. Besides when you are a burden to those around you, it's easier this way.
They will upset initially, but time heals all.

 

[Mike]

Oh, you are one of those.

I'm afraid I don't know what you mean exactly.

Please elaborate further.

Also thank you for replying.

 

[Mike]

Where are you at Mike ?

When would you draw the line ?

I watched my parents go out very slowly with cancer .

I'm not a fan of stoically riding out the last painful moments , days , years ...

I'm a flip flopping possible bipolar ... life time depression 'recovering' alcoholic ...
( spiritual / social trauma ... medicated with booze , and from what I read here I had it easy , compared to pharma medicine ... but thats a moot point , at the thirty year mark )

Social isolation and being emotionally unavailable in company left me in a pit with no desired exit apart from THE exit .

A lack of faith in humanity , bullying fatigue ( yet another philistine telling me to shape up and wave the flag and love it ... so taxing that that is the caliber of the consciousness we are all surrounded by .)

I find myself prochoice but veering towards 'recovery' which around here is a little offensive for some .

i know I find it a bit offensive when I'm on the 'other side' , in shadow , eclipsed , or , as it feels : real.

I just saw an old acquaintance down the street by the same name and thought I'd say hi .

Also - I approve of your avatar .... :)

https://www.paulchefurka.ca/LadderOfAwareness.html

when I'm in shadow , this stuff ( linked above ) is senseless muck . 2day it's sort of ok.


edit to add :

i find the best thing for me is acceptance of my suicidal state of mind,

i like it here because I don't have to pretend it isn't how I feel .

It is a relief.

I am unable to answer your two questions at the top. Sorry.

Also I'm glad you approve of my avatar. Converge is amazing.

Finally, thank you for replying.

 

[Mike]

Literally how dare you?
What kind of nerve...lack of feeling lack of interest lack of research lack of empathy and presence of ego of gall of ignorance

You don't understand? then read. Why did you make this thread. Blatantly there's a ton of them, asking after our reasons, and you make one, you read a few answers, only to reply with two sentences that dismiss us. I'm curious how you can justify yourself. Curiosity isn't an answer for your behavior.

I by all means did not intend to offend or to anger you. Please forgive me.

I am sorry to use my curiosity as an excuse. I was just very impatient and I needed answers.

Sorry again. I didn't know my post would come off as offensive or ignorant.

 

[Mike]

I doubt anyone here needs to hear any more bullshit about how it gets better. Go be dumb somewhere else please.

None of these posts are bullshit.

My words are real. If they don't resonate, then so be it. At least, they were sincere.

 

[itsallover]

I just don't think I can make it in this world. I'm too dependent, irresponsible, and not aggressive enough.

 

[ghoulish.fool]

I could tell you about my mother, about my bullies, but that's really just crap I tell myself to further justify my main reason. If I loved this world I could easily take the violence and humiliation and work hard to get a decent place in society when I'm independent. But no, I hate this world and I find it repulsive. I hate its mechanics: I hate living in a competitive predator vs prey world, I hate lying and playing a character just to not be "weird" or be socially acceptable, I hate social hierarchies, I hate governments, I hate disease, pain, psychological pain, I hate being underestimated or being judged by my credentials, I hate economies, I hate corruption, I hate genetics, getting old basically everything. I don't even think this is all we get, I think there's good evidence for the continuation of consciousness after death, even if most of it is testimonial evidence. Therefore there's no point for me to be here. Society or friends/family might tell you to don't do it bla bla but if you're smart enough you can see through their bullshit and understand they don't want to save you, they want to save themselves from some kind of personal inconvenience. If I'm wrong, if this shithole is really all we get, then there's no point to delay the inevitable.

The only way a pro lifer can save me is by changing society and the laws of the universe

I don't really have much to add but I really relate to your in depth hate of all of the mechanics of our lives. You summed it up well.

 

[RainAndSadness]

None of these posts are bullshit.

My words are real. If they don't resonate, then so be it. At least, they were sincere.

No they were empty. Platitudes. I don't think anybody in this forum wants to hear them.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

I am unable to answer your two questions at the top. Sorry.

Also I'm glad you approve of my avatar. Converge is amazing.

Finally, thank you for replying.

To be clear I am referring to the graphic .

The way it is designed .

I have no idea what it symbolizes for you .

edit : ok , it's a band . I googled.